I'm Cycling Next Month!!!!

I'm so fucking excited!!!  I spoke to my nurse at the RE's today and she told me that we will most likely start cycling before my next period!  That's one month sooner than I thought we would be cycling and puts me in a perfect spot for where I want to be birth month-wise (so psyched it just happened to work out that way).  I'm praying that this will all work out and that it will give me a take home baby.  We are so ready (well, as ready as we'll ever be; is anyone ever really truly ready?) to be parents.  

My meds are worked out for now.  One good thing that came out of that horrible experience two weeks ago (see my last post) is that I was able to cut my Ativan dose in half since I had already gone through all the withdrawals.  I will have to cut it out completely before I start cycling but that shouldn't be too hard since it is only half a miligram at this point.  I will cut it in half next week and then cut it out altogether.  I am taking ten miligrams of Lexapro and will continue on with that permanently.  I am going to see my psychiatrist next week to get clearance from her for my RE.  They want a letter stating what my treatment will be during my pregnancy.  I will keep close contact with her so that if my dosage needs to be upped at all we can do that.  I hope the appointment goes well; I think it should.

Next Friday I am getting a saline sonogram as well as all the results from our genetic counselor.  We will also have all of our other test results back by then.  So far, I think we are looking at slight MFI (low morph) but considering that they have said people can often get pregnant naturally with that I am feeling a diagnosis of "unexplained infertility" in our future.  But I guess we will see and know by next Friday!!!!  Then we will also get to determine whether we are going to go with IUI or IVF.  Honestly, I'm hoping for IVF.  I want the embryos for the future so that we don't have to go through this shit again when we want to try for a second child, especially considering my age.  

This is all very exciting.  I think, for the first time in two years, things are finally starting to look up for us, at least a little bit.  I don't want to jinx anything, and I'm sure it won't be the last time we experience hard times, but I have to say that these past two years very nearly broke us (as people, not our marriage--that's now stronger than ever).  I feel like if I can live through all of that then I can live through anything.

On a Related Note........

Now for the not so awesome stuff.  My meds are seriously screwing with me.  I haven't slept in two weeks.  Last night I only slept for two hours.  I finally had a nervous breakdown when my husband got up.  School starts in three weeks.  I can't go back feeling like this.  My heart pounds all day, my whole body is shaking, my head is foggy and dizzy and my eyes hurt and have a hard time focusing.  This is not right.  The RE told me that he does not want me taking Ativan during pregnancy but that he was fine with the Lexapro.  So I have not been taking the Ativan because I am afraid of getting addicted to it (it is a controlled substance and it is easy to get addicted--I have in the past because I took one each morning upon waking.  I managed to get off of it pretty easily but I was already taking my SSRIs for a long time at that point).  I cut my Lexapro dose in half because I felt it was too much and it was most definitely screwing with me way too much.  The problem is now I don't know what's happening--am I having withdrawals from that?  From the Ativan?  Do I have to just stop the Lexapro altogether?  I am beyond frustrated because I feel like no one can help me.  I just keep having bad reaction to antidepressants now--even after taking them for so many years!!  Honestly, the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life was to wean off of them.  My life has been hell ever since (for other reasons) and because of the fact that I've not been medicated I have not been coping with everything very well.  I had such high hopes after leaving Mayo and am literally devastated that the treatment plan is going like this.  I was doing great with the small increments until just over two weeks ago.  I am now going to look for a psychiatrist who specializes in reproductive psychiatry and can help me with treatment now, during and after pregnancy.  I am well aware that this all needs to be under control before I can start cycling with the RE so I am really hoping that we can figure something out.  Fuck.  It just never, ever stops or gets any easier, does it?.........
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So I just got back from seeing my psychiatric nurse practitioner and my therapist AND I also spoke on the phone with a psychiatric nurse at the Mayo Clinic.  I was completely freaking out when I wrote the first half of this post this morning, so I am a bit more stable now.  Everyone is in agreement that I am suffering from withdrawals, all of my own idiotic doing.  My doctor at Mayo told me to slowly raise my dosage of Lexapro by 5 mgs at a time which I had been doing.  But at 15 it started to get to be too much and by 20 (target dosage) it was ridiculous.  I couldn't handle it (even though that is the dose I took for ten years before stopping it in 2012).  So I called and she told me to take 15.  But I'm an asshole and thought "I felt best when I was at 10" so I decided I was going to do that.  Terrible.  Then I just abruptly stopped the Ativan even though I know that it is addictive as I mentioned before--but I didn't think about any of this.  I didn't think "I may just be having withdrawals" because I freaked out thinking that it was all affecting me the way everything else has this past year and I spiraled.  This is what happens.  So now I will stay on 10 mgs of Lexapro and hopefully continue on that permanently.  I will resume the Ativan for now and taper off once the Lexapro has taken full effect.  Now maybe I can get some goddamn sleep and stop trying to do everything myself.  I need to remember that these doctors all know what they are talking about.

The End.

We're Going to the RE!

Well I finally decided that it was better to make an appointment while I am not in school yet just in case I have to do a lot of running around.  I want to take as little time off as possible in order to make sure that any sick time I have goes to future maternity leave if needed.  I figured it has certainly been plenty of time--that's 6 months with charting and temping and 10 months of unprotected sex.  I'm 35 now so the 6 months is enough.  I was going to wait until October to make the appointment but at this point I'm done.  I just want to see what they have to say.  MH was fighting me on it a little bit but my feeling is if they say they see nothing then I suppose we'll keep trying for another couple of months before we move on to treatment.  But what if they do find something?  At this point we don't have time to waste anymore.  My age is a huge factor and I DON'T want to just wait around without any knowledge anymore.  So we're going on Friday.  We have viewed the videos on their website and sent them all our medical history and filled out all the paperwork.  We're fucking going.  And I'm very excited!  I'm nervous--but excited.  I just want to have a plan at this point.

I am doing a little better health wise, but I'm having some trouble adjusting to my meds.  I was fine at 5 and 10 mgs but when I went up to 15 and now 20.....I'm having a hard time.  I am not sleeping--like, waking up every half hour not sleeping.  And also some other stuff.  I'm hoping it will pass, but I may have to scale back.  I'm going to contact my doctor.  I will of course share all of this with the RE and I realize that it's not ideal for me to be going through this while trying to get pregnant but I don't even care.  I know it will all get worked out soon.  I've felt worse than this and I've been through worse!  Again; no time to fucking waste anymore.  Time to get this show on the road!  MH starts his new job on August 25th, I go back to work September 2nd.  I'd like to have an idea of where I stand with meds and TTC by then.

Some words about destressing.........

So if you haven't read my last post(s) I have been sick for basically two years straight with crazy mystery illnesses that while very real were hugely exacerbated by stress.  Since I have come to the final realization that yes, I will need to take SSRIs for the rest of my life, I know that will be a huge thing that will help me feel better.  MH has bipolar disorder which is pretty well under control, but if you know anything about bipolar disorder, just like depression there are flareups.  They are more frequent and more serious than with regular depressive disorder, but we do okay.  Here's the kicker: in the past two years since I have been off my meds and I have been sick and had crazy shit happen with jobs and he hates his job and is dealing with his own mood disorder.........well shit, it has been SO HARD to try and hold each other up!  I mean damn near impossible.  The summer before I got sick (2012) we made a big move out of the metropolitan area into the mountains to try and find respite from the craziness down there.  We have been very happy with our move; we rented a little house on a lake.  Everything is quiet, people are nicer and the pace of life is real slow and pleasant.  The problem is that everyone up here pretty much commutes back down to the area we moved from because that's where the jobs are.  So we wake up super early, fight through the hour commute (sometimes more if there is an accident or if the traffic is really bad for some reason unbeknowst to anyone ever) and drag ourselves to jobs that are overly stressful.  Then we fight through the commute again.

Life is just crazy.  I know that there is no such thing as a life without stress.  I just think things in our society have gotten way out of control and there really feels like no way around it sometimes.  You have to work so much harder nowadays to make less money and everything is just so fucking expensive.  Especially where we live.  Plus everyone is competing for space in this congested area and people are pissed off and angry all the time.  We are trying to figure out what the best solution is.  While we truly do love it here and have friends and NYC and MH's family closeby, sometimes I think that it is not the healthiest thing for us to be living here.  Sometimes I think we would do a lot better living in, say California.  My mom lives there, so we would still have family.  But there would be fresh air and sunshine year round, warmer weather and fresh produce available year round.  Plus the lifestyle is so much more laid back (we would be moving about an hour and a half north of LA, so none of that nonsense).  Even though we would miss it here sometimes I just think that health wise it might be a wise decision.  MH hates the winter.  He is very affected by it and his mood is much worse during the dark, cold months.  He despises shoveling and snow.  I don't mind it; in fact I even like it!  But I do admit that it gets old after a while and I think if we just made a point to come out at Christmas every year then we could get our time in the snow and cold and really appreciate it and then come home.  My mom is also a huge support for us and would absolutely die to have us live near her.  I have always thought of myself as so "east coast" but I don't really know if that's necessarily the healthiest thing for me in a lot of respects.  When I go to CA I'm always like "this shit is so slow!" but isn't that better really?  I mean, out here everyone is constantly in a rush and the stress is enough to make your head explode.

Don't get me wrong--again; I know there is no such thing as a life without stress.  I don't expect that we will go live on some tropical island and never have to work again and live life like every day is vacation (but wouldn't that be nice?).  If we could get jobs close to home and never have to worry about leaving the mountain then I wouldn't worry.  But it's not reality.  Since beginning this post MH got a new job that he is very excited about.  But still with the commute.  My job is absolutely ridiculous as far as stress is concerned.  I am looking into getting into a different line of work altogether.  I don't even know what I am doing.

But anyway, those are my thoughts for the day.  If we did move it wouldn't be for another year; maybe next summer.  I just need to see how things play out for us.

Aaaaaaand she lands........oof.

Well for those who have been following me I apologize for taking so long to write again.  For those who give no fucks, well here I am again.  Heeeeere's Cat!

So it happened.  I made it through to the last day of school.  It was pure torture.  On many levels. But more on that later.  On the last day of school I brought with me a suitcase and a bag.  When the clock struck one my cousin picked me up from school and took me directly to the airport where I boarded a plane that brought me to Minnesota.  The next day, first thing in the morning I saw my new doctor.  At the Mayo Clinic.

Yes friends, I finally made it to Mayo.  My mom met me there and spent the entire week there with me. I had all the tests and saw all the doctors.  This was unlike any experience I have ever had before.  First of all, I totally expected to be overwhelmed, stressed, confused and hurried which turned out to be anything BUT the case.  The Mayo Clinic was like a well oiled machine, with everything laid out in such an organized fashion that it was almost impossible to get lost.  There was no hurrying.  No stress.  No rushing.  It was so mellow.  There was live music in various areas in the buildings and everyone was so nice.  Although to be fair, I have heard that "Minnesota Niceness" is an actual thing.  But the best thing was that I felt so good about the quality of care that I received.  All these doctors worked together as a team to help me put all the pieces together.  My situation is multifaceted and complex but is ultimately manageable.

Basically what I have is a funtional GI disorder called "funtional dyspepsia".  I knew it was a functional problem; I had been saying it since the beginning.  I am not allergic to any foods, I don't have an autoimmune disease, I don't have leaky gut.  MY GUT IS NOT FUNCTIONING RIGHT!!!!!  Too many people scared the shit out of me forever, trying to tell me I had any number of issues until I finally had to just stop talking to people about it.  Which really sucks.  But I digress.........anyway functional dyspepsia is when your body is actually fine but thinks it isn't and starts acting like it has an ulcer and stuff.  It's likely a reaction to stress, and my surgery was a stressful "event" that happened in my body and it didn't get a chance to reprogram.  Anyway, I will spare you the details but basically I have to watch my breathing, eat smaller meals, chew my food really well, make sure I don't go too long without eating and I have to take this herbal supplement before I eat called Iberogast (yup, my GI prescribed me an herbal supplement).  And I have to go back on my depression medication.  The mind/gut connection is fierce in me, and I need to get my shit together.  So I'm taking small steps to get back on Lexapro and stay on it forever.  Through pregnancy, breastfeeding, everything.  No more being without serotonin.  Because it's just been so bad.  So hopefully I can start feeling better.

There it is!  It's crazy to think that everything is over and I no longer have to be a professional sick person.  No more running around to a million doctors or trying to figure out what's wrong.  It's over.

Back on meds

Well, I did it.  I went to my psychiatrist's office and got Prozac.  We'll see how it works out.  I'm mostly afraid it will give me terrible side effects.  Last year I tried going back on for a bit and Zoloft and even Lexapro which I took for eleven years gave me horrible racing heart beat.  It was awful.  I couldn't sleep and I felt like shit; it was wracking my whole body.  I just want this to work because I know that if and when the time comes and I need to make the choice I can stay on Prozac through pregnancy.  So we'll see what happens.  I am very hopeful but of course I still feel like shit (obviously).  I just don't want this to be my life anymore on any level.

The Last Straw

I am going back on meds I think.  I have been unmedicated for a year and a half with a short time in the middle where I went back on them.  I literally can't do life anymore.  I started a new job this week which is great but I remember how hard it is to work when I feel like such shit.  My stomach hurts so bad that when I walk around I just hug my arms around it.  It is huge all the time.  I still don't know what's wrong.  My gastroenterologist put me on antibiotics to try and change the flora in my gut.  I got a nice yeast infection from those for Valentine's day.  I also had a complete and total meltdown last night.

I told my husband that I felt that I must deserve all this shit.  That I've tried so hard in my life to do the right things and be a good person and it's just gotten me nowhere.  I got sick with my pelvic pain last year and lost my job and my best friend.  As soon as that was over this began.  I just can't take it anymore.  I told him I didn't deserve him.  I was mean to him because he was complaining about his job; I told him I couldn't have that conversation anymore.  He is miserable because he hates his job.  I am miserable because I am sick and can do nothing about it, because I am going to be 35 in three months and am still childless, because my husband is miserable and because I am straight up depressed.

I can't believe I didn't see it sooner.  I have taken no joy in any of the things I like to do for months.  I am a singer by nature; it's what I do, it's who I am.  I am a music teacher.  H and I met through music.  I sing in an a cappella group and I used to love practicing and working on music; now it's a chore.  Cooking and baking were big hobbies of mine, but food makes my stomach worse so even though I eat it always gives me anxiety and worry.  So that's out.  I don't want to do anything.  I used to be so passionate about so many things in my life; now the only thing I have been passionate about is getting healthy so we could start a family................

But that's out for now too.  I realize that in big huge bright lights now.  We are avoiding until I get better and until we can figure out our shit.  I told my husband last night that once my benefits kick in in April he should quit his job, even if he doesn't have anything else lined up.  I just can't deal with him and his job misery anymore.  He has no idea if he wants to work for himself or find another job.  I really don't give a shit what he does as long as he is happy and making some money.  I would be perfectly happy to be the main breadwinner.  I feel terrible that I am so mean and short about this with him and I know it isn't really me to be this impatient and cranky and straight bitchy.  I know that in reality it is because I don't feel good and I am getting to the last straw with it.

I am hoping that if I got back on meds it will help me cope a little better and just help me to get through.    When (if) the time comes for me to think about pregnancy again I will cross that bridge when I come to it.  The issue is that the last time I went on meds I had terrible trouble with racing heartbeat.  Even when I took Lexapro, which I had taken for eleven years prior to being off of them.  I hope I can find something I can handle this time around again.  But whatever helps me is what I will do.  I can't stand living this way anymore.

Side effects

So, in my recent searches for all things Lexapro related, I have come across some pretty shady stuff, some of which was positively shocking to me.  The main thing I found so shocking was the side effect list I found here: http://www.theroadback.org/lexapro_side_effects.aspx

UNBELIEVABLE!!!!  Okay, now whatever this "The Road Back" program is, I have no idea, nor do I intend to buy their book or anything to do with it, however, this list of side effects is amazing to me, and here's why:

1. Excessive sweating/night sweats.  Are you kidding me????  I get major night sweats and have since I was in my early twenties.  Hmmmm......started taking it at age 22.  Interesting.  I have always wondered about that, because I also tend to sweat a lot when I get hot (I get hot very easily).  I never used to sweat like that.  But again, this has been ten years--I just never thought about it.
2. Irregular heartbeat.  I have been told by doctors that I have an irregular heartbeat.
3. Carpal tunnel symdrome.  This is a BIG one!  I had bilateral carpal tunnel surgery in 2007.  In my former life I groomed dogs, and figured my carpal tunnel syndrome to be a result of that (gripping clippers and brushes (left hand), scissoring (right hand), squeezing nail clippers).  My five year career came to an end because of it (I hated it anyway, but still.....) and I tried everything before I finally got surgery.  It was awful.
4. Migraines.  I get those too--ouch.
5. Restless legs syndrome.  Okay, now I have literally never told anyone about this--not even my husband--because I feel like it's so ridiculous.  Everyone (including my husband and myself) makes fun of those commercials so bad--it's like "get some excercise!  Stretch your legs!  Damn!  They have a pill and a 'syndrome' for everything!"  But at night sometimes, no matter how much I have or have not walked, stretched or exercised, I get this feeling like I have to move my legs and stretch them when I am sitting on the couch.  It's a feeling I can't really explain, and nothing seems to help until I lay flat and stretch out and go to sleep.  I never say anything, because it's not all that bad--but still!!!
6. Weight gain.  I'm fat.  The end.
7. Nighttime teeth clenching/grinding.  Another thing I've been doing since my early twenties.  At times it was so bad that I had to wear a hockey guard to bed.

Okay.  Now, could most of these symptoms have been caused by other things?  Perhaps.  I guess I will find out if they stop or go away after I have it completely out of my system.  Interesting.