Aaaaaaand she lands........oof.

Well for those who have been following me I apologize for taking so long to write again.  For those who give no fucks, well here I am again.  Heeeeere's Cat!

So it happened.  I made it through to the last day of school.  It was pure torture.  On many levels. But more on that later.  On the last day of school I brought with me a suitcase and a bag.  When the clock struck one my cousin picked me up from school and took me directly to the airport where I boarded a plane that brought me to Minnesota.  The next day, first thing in the morning I saw my new doctor.  At the Mayo Clinic.

Yes friends, I finally made it to Mayo.  My mom met me there and spent the entire week there with me. I had all the tests and saw all the doctors.  This was unlike any experience I have ever had before.  First of all, I totally expected to be overwhelmed, stressed, confused and hurried which turned out to be anything BUT the case.  The Mayo Clinic was like a well oiled machine, with everything laid out in such an organized fashion that it was almost impossible to get lost.  There was no hurrying.  No stress.  No rushing.  It was so mellow.  There was live music in various areas in the buildings and everyone was so nice.  Although to be fair, I have heard that "Minnesota Niceness" is an actual thing.  But the best thing was that I felt so good about the quality of care that I received.  All these doctors worked together as a team to help me put all the pieces together.  My situation is multifaceted and complex but is ultimately manageable.

Basically what I have is a funtional GI disorder called "funtional dyspepsia".  I knew it was a functional problem; I had been saying it since the beginning.  I am not allergic to any foods, I don't have an autoimmune disease, I don't have leaky gut.  MY GUT IS NOT FUNCTIONING RIGHT!!!!!  Too many people scared the shit out of me forever, trying to tell me I had any number of issues until I finally had to just stop talking to people about it.  Which really sucks.  But I digress.........anyway functional dyspepsia is when your body is actually fine but thinks it isn't and starts acting like it has an ulcer and stuff.  It's likely a reaction to stress, and my surgery was a stressful "event" that happened in my body and it didn't get a chance to reprogram.  Anyway, I will spare you the details but basically I have to watch my breathing, eat smaller meals, chew my food really well, make sure I don't go too long without eating and I have to take this herbal supplement before I eat called Iberogast (yup, my GI prescribed me an herbal supplement).  And I have to go back on my depression medication.  The mind/gut connection is fierce in me, and I need to get my shit together.  So I'm taking small steps to get back on Lexapro and stay on it forever.  Through pregnancy, breastfeeding, everything.  No more being without serotonin.  Because it's just been so bad.  So hopefully I can start feeling better.

There it is!  It's crazy to think that everything is over and I no longer have to be a professional sick person.  No more running around to a million doctors or trying to figure out what's wrong.  It's over.

It's been a while.......

It's been too long since I've blogged.  I keep thinking about it, but then I forget or I realize that I have something better to do.  Or, if I'm being honest, I just haven't fucking felt like it considering I have nothing new to say.  But now I think maybe it's time to come back into the game.

Things are a little weird for me right now.  That's all I can say.  It's not all bad, some of it is really good.  But it's just......weird.  Different.  Almost like I can feel the tides changing.  Which is great because I reeeeeally need it.

My job is likely going to become permanent.  That's great; I just wish it were closer to being my dream job.  I know sometimes you have to "make" your dream job, as in I need to find ways to make it be better.  But I don't see that happening, since what I don't like about it is teaching pre-K-1.  2 is almost acceptable.  3 is okay but not my favorite.  4 is where the fun starts and for me continues up through 8 even though they are challenging.  Honestly I just don't really like teaching general music; I just want to teach choir and music history/music appreciation.  But this job is manageable for me and fun and I really like the faculty and adminsitration, plus the kids are nice and I could see myself feeing comfortable in the culture of the district.  It is very small.  So I like it, am glad it will become permanent and will be happy to go back next year but I will still be applying to things that come up that I feel I might like better or that are closer (right now I have about a 45-50 minute commute).

I have made an appointment to go to the Mayo clinic in Minnesota as soon as school gets out.  My NYC doctor is blowing me off and I've had it.  Mayo has the number one gastroenterology department in the country; I read an article in the fall that sounded like what I think I have where this girl had been to many doctors before the helped her at Mayo; I also know someone who went there when she had no luck with the doctors in her town and they helped her.  So I'm going.  Part of me feel like I might be jumping the gun a little considering that I live near NYC and so many hospitals and doctors, but I just don't know where else to go.  I went to a New Jersey doctor who was totally lame, then moved on to my current doctor who is at NYU Langone--like, where do you go from there???  Who can I look for that would have more knowledge than there?  I'm not doubting that someone exists, it's just that I don't know who they might be or where/how to find out.  I am fully 100% convinced at this point that this is muscular and somehow related to my surgery and I can't even get ahold of my doctor to discuss it with him.  I started these special stretching sessions to see if it would help and it made it worse within a week.  Do I know for certain that is why I got worse?  No.  But do I know for certain that is NOT why I got worse?  No.  Ergo Mayo.  Enough fucking around and taking shots in the dark.  Take me to the experts and let me get on with my life.

So that's where I am now.  H is miserable at his job but that isn't going to change for a little while.  But we're working on it.  Some new musical possibilities are on the horizon, but I'll save it for another post.

God/The Universe

Can go fuck itself.  I have in the past been such a spiritual person and as much as I want to try and go back to it I just struggle with it too much now.  I just can't believe that all this crap would happen to me if there really were such thing as a higher power watching over me.  I know it could be worse--I know that.  I know I could be dying or hungry or whatever.  But my life has just been this trickle down of awfulness since summer of 2012 and everything that transpires just ends up being worse than the thing before.  I have tried over and over again to be positive and change the way I think about things but higher power is honestly just too much for me to accept.  Stanley's death just nailed the coffin for that as far as I'm concerned.  Just fuck everything.

I had a terrible weekend.  My husband had to work so I pretty much stayed home alone all weekend with Mingus and Lulu and cried.  I miss my cat so much it is hard to breathe sometimes.  I feel like I've had a piece of my heart ripped out.  I keep thinking about how I left him there, dead, and couldn't do anything about it.  I feel moments where I think I should have at least tried to get him to the big hospital for tests, but then I go back to knowing how bad it was and how much he truly was suffering and would have continued to suffer.  I think about how horrible it would have been to be thinking about him all alone at the house all day while I was at work, worrying that today would be the day I would come home and find him dead and not know what happened.  I think about how much money I would have spent and he would have ended up dying anyway.  I think about panicking and taking him back and forth to the vet.  I loved that cat so much there just aren't even enough words to express it.  And I feel like I failed him.  I should have taken his ashes.  I shouldn't have thrown out his food dish in a moment of feeling like I couldn't look at it there.  I should have gotten a lock of his fur.  All I have left is this beautiful paw print.  I feel so guilty even though deep down I know I shouldn't.  I think beating myself up about it just makes me feel like I might have someone to be mad at (me).  I don't know what else to do.

My stupid stomach illness isn't getting better.  I am going to see my doctor on Wednesday (thank goodness) but I am terrified of what he is going to say at this point.  I have been through elimination diets.  I have had rounds of antibiotics.  I have had every test ever.  What am I supposed to do?!?!  I want to go back to TTC.  Part of me just feels like, screw it, what is the worst that can happen?  I mean if it hasn't happened by now it probably won't anyway.  I am so discouraged by everything.  And to top it all off, I am pretty sure I am having an anovulatory cycle or a really long one.  I got my positive OPK on the day Stanley died and the day after.  That was over a week ago and still no O.  I know it is obviously because of the stress.  I just fucking hate my body in every way right now.

I actually do have some good news though, which is that I really like my new job.  I didn't think I was going to, and to be honest I almost didn't apply for it because I didn't want it.  Which is of course why I think I ended up getting it.  But it is working very well for me and seems to be a good fit which surprises me more than anyone I'm sure.  It's a lot of fun so far and the kids are great.  Perhaps my Stanley is guiding them to be good for me.  I guess we'll see how it progresses.

The Drawing Board.......

I don't even know what the phrase "back to the drawing board" would even be for me right now.  I had to stop the Prozac after three days because it was giving me the same effects as the other meds.  Thumping, wracking heart beat, lightheadedness and weird eyesight things.  So I got some new stuff called supposedly "created for patients just like me".  Well today is day three and guess what?  Same thing.  I don't know what to do anymore.  Obviously I'm going to stop taking it, but I don't know where that leaves me.  What if I just can't tolerate meds anymore?  I'm just going to have to go back to the natural/herbal drawing board.  I just want to feel like my old self again, and I'm afraid I won't ever be able to because I respond so badly to meds.

On another note, my gastroenterologist is being really strange.  He usually gets back to me right away when I email him, but I emailed him on Sunday and again on Tuesday and then I called on Wednesday.   I still haven't heard back from him.  This is just very unusual and odd and I'm starting to worry.   What do you do when you are seeing one of the best doctors in all of New York City and they can't help you?  Where would you even go?  I am sure if he can't help me he will give me a referral.  At least that's what I hope.

I am losing hope a little more every day that we will be able to have a family.  I need this taken care of so we can start seeing the RE.  I don't even know what to do about anything anymore; it is so discouraging.  I mean, maybe with H's bipolar disorder and my depression/anxiety disorder it is best that we don't raise kids.  Maybe we are just not strong enough.  Maybe this is the universe telling us that we need to take care of each other and ourselves and that all we can really handle is cats.  I don't know.

I am freaking out about starting my new teaching job.  I have been shadowing the teacher I am replacing for the past two weeks and it seems like it will be good but a lot of work.  I am not afraid of doing a lot of work, but I feel so shitty that I am worried I won't do a good job.  I feel like I am caught between a rock and a hard place.  H has realized that as much as he would like (and I would like) for him to be able to quit his misery-making job after my benefits kick in in April that it would be very ill advised.  The reality is that we both have health conditions that require constant attention and we can't be without health insurance.  If I don't get a permanent postition for September then I will lost my insurance as of August 31st, and if he doesn't have a job with benefits then we are fucked.  I am glad he has come to this conclusion because I feel terrible since I was the one to suggest he quit in April.  I would love to see him leave this job but we are unfortunately once again stuck between that rock and hard place.

Things are tough.  They really are.  Last night I just cried and cried while listening to this song after dinner.  H hugged me and said this should be our mantra right now.   I am trying.  Truly I am.

I love this video because it is so real.  This is H and me right now.