It's been a while.......

It's been too long since I've blogged.  I keep thinking about it, but then I forget or I realize that I have something better to do.  Or, if I'm being honest, I just haven't fucking felt like it considering I have nothing new to say.  But now I think maybe it's time to come back into the game.

Things are a little weird for me right now.  That's all I can say.  It's not all bad, some of it is really good.  But it's just......weird.  Different.  Almost like I can feel the tides changing.  Which is great because I reeeeeally need it.

My job is likely going to become permanent.  That's great; I just wish it were closer to being my dream job.  I know sometimes you have to "make" your dream job, as in I need to find ways to make it be better.  But I don't see that happening, since what I don't like about it is teaching pre-K-1.  2 is almost acceptable.  3 is okay but not my favorite.  4 is where the fun starts and for me continues up through 8 even though they are challenging.  Honestly I just don't really like teaching general music; I just want to teach choir and music history/music appreciation.  But this job is manageable for me and fun and I really like the faculty and adminsitration, plus the kids are nice and I could see myself feeing comfortable in the culture of the district.  It is very small.  So I like it, am glad it will become permanent and will be happy to go back next year but I will still be applying to things that come up that I feel I might like better or that are closer (right now I have about a 45-50 minute commute).

I have made an appointment to go to the Mayo clinic in Minnesota as soon as school gets out.  My NYC doctor is blowing me off and I've had it.  Mayo has the number one gastroenterology department in the country; I read an article in the fall that sounded like what I think I have where this girl had been to many doctors before the helped her at Mayo; I also know someone who went there when she had no luck with the doctors in her town and they helped her.  So I'm going.  Part of me feel like I might be jumping the gun a little considering that I live near NYC and so many hospitals and doctors, but I just don't know where else to go.  I went to a New Jersey doctor who was totally lame, then moved on to my current doctor who is at NYU Langone--like, where do you go from there???  Who can I look for that would have more knowledge than there?  I'm not doubting that someone exists, it's just that I don't know who they might be or where/how to find out.  I am fully 100% convinced at this point that this is muscular and somehow related to my surgery and I can't even get ahold of my doctor to discuss it with him.  I started these special stretching sessions to see if it would help and it made it worse within a week.  Do I know for certain that is why I got worse?  No.  But do I know for certain that is NOT why I got worse?  No.  Ergo Mayo.  Enough fucking around and taking shots in the dark.  Take me to the experts and let me get on with my life.

So that's where I am now.  H is miserable at his job but that isn't going to change for a little while.  But we're working on it.  Some new musical possibilities are on the horizon, but I'll save it for another post.

God/The Universe

Can go fuck itself.  I have in the past been such a spiritual person and as much as I want to try and go back to it I just struggle with it too much now.  I just can't believe that all this crap would happen to me if there really were such thing as a higher power watching over me.  I know it could be worse--I know that.  I know I could be dying or hungry or whatever.  But my life has just been this trickle down of awfulness since summer of 2012 and everything that transpires just ends up being worse than the thing before.  I have tried over and over again to be positive and change the way I think about things but higher power is honestly just too much for me to accept.  Stanley's death just nailed the coffin for that as far as I'm concerned.  Just fuck everything.

I had a terrible weekend.  My husband had to work so I pretty much stayed home alone all weekend with Mingus and Lulu and cried.  I miss my cat so much it is hard to breathe sometimes.  I feel like I've had a piece of my heart ripped out.  I keep thinking about how I left him there, dead, and couldn't do anything about it.  I feel moments where I think I should have at least tried to get him to the big hospital for tests, but then I go back to knowing how bad it was and how much he truly was suffering and would have continued to suffer.  I think about how horrible it would have been to be thinking about him all alone at the house all day while I was at work, worrying that today would be the day I would come home and find him dead and not know what happened.  I think about how much money I would have spent and he would have ended up dying anyway.  I think about panicking and taking him back and forth to the vet.  I loved that cat so much there just aren't even enough words to express it.  And I feel like I failed him.  I should have taken his ashes.  I shouldn't have thrown out his food dish in a moment of feeling like I couldn't look at it there.  I should have gotten a lock of his fur.  All I have left is this beautiful paw print.  I feel so guilty even though deep down I know I shouldn't.  I think beating myself up about it just makes me feel like I might have someone to be mad at (me).  I don't know what else to do.

My stupid stomach illness isn't getting better.  I am going to see my doctor on Wednesday (thank goodness) but I am terrified of what he is going to say at this point.  I have been through elimination diets.  I have had rounds of antibiotics.  I have had every test ever.  What am I supposed to do?!?!  I want to go back to TTC.  Part of me just feels like, screw it, what is the worst that can happen?  I mean if it hasn't happened by now it probably won't anyway.  I am so discouraged by everything.  And to top it all off, I am pretty sure I am having an anovulatory cycle or a really long one.  I got my positive OPK on the day Stanley died and the day after.  That was over a week ago and still no O.  I know it is obviously because of the stress.  I just fucking hate my body in every way right now.

I actually do have some good news though, which is that I really like my new job.  I didn't think I was going to, and to be honest I almost didn't apply for it because I didn't want it.  Which is of course why I think I ended up getting it.  But it is working very well for me and seems to be a good fit which surprises me more than anyone I'm sure.  It's a lot of fun so far and the kids are great.  Perhaps my Stanley is guiding them to be good for me.  I guess we'll see how it progresses.