So if you haven't read my last post(s) I have been sick for basically two years straight with crazy mystery illnesses that while very real were hugely exacerbated by stress. Since I have come to the final realization that yes, I will need to take SSRIs for the rest of my life, I know that will be a huge thing that will help me feel better. MH has bipolar disorder which is pretty well under control, but if you know anything about bipolar disorder, just like depression there are flareups. They are more frequent and more serious than with regular depressive disorder, but we do okay. Here's the kicker: in the past two years since I have been off my meds and I have been sick and had crazy shit happen with jobs and he hates his job and is dealing with his own mood disorder.........well shit, it has been SO HARD to try and hold each other up! I mean damn near impossible. The summer before I got sick (2012) we made a big move out of the metropolitan area into the mountains to try and find respite from the craziness down there. We have been very happy with our move; we rented a little house on a lake. Everything is quiet, people are nicer and the pace of life is real slow and pleasant. The problem is that everyone up here pretty much commutes back down to the area we moved from because that's where the jobs are. So we wake up super early, fight through the hour commute (sometimes more if there is an accident or if the traffic is really bad for some reason unbeknowst to anyone ever) and drag ourselves to jobs that are overly stressful. Then we fight through the commute again.
Life is just crazy. I know that there is no such thing as a life without stress. I just think things in our society have gotten way out of control and there really feels like no way around it sometimes. You have to work so much harder nowadays to make less money and everything is just so fucking expensive. Especially where we live. Plus everyone is competing for space in this congested area and people are pissed off and angry all the time. We are trying to figure out what the best solution is. While we truly do love it here and have friends and NYC and MH's family closeby, sometimes I think that it is not the healthiest thing for us to be living here. Sometimes I think we would do a lot better living in, say California. My mom lives there, so we would still have family. But there would be fresh air and sunshine year round, warmer weather and fresh produce available year round. Plus the lifestyle is so much more laid back (we would be moving about an hour and a half north of LA, so none of that nonsense). Even though we would miss it here sometimes I just think that health wise it might be a wise decision. MH hates the winter. He is very affected by it and his mood is much worse during the dark, cold months. He despises shoveling and snow. I don't mind it; in fact I even like it! But I do admit that it gets old after a while and I think if we just made a point to come out at Christmas every year then we could get our time in the snow and cold and really appreciate it and then come home. My mom is also a huge support for us and would absolutely die to have us live near her. I have always thought of myself as so "east coast" but I don't really know if that's necessarily the healthiest thing for me in a lot of respects. When I go to CA I'm always like "this shit is so slow!" but isn't that better really? I mean, out here everyone is constantly in a rush and the stress is enough to make your head explode.
Don't get me wrong--again; I know there is no such thing as a life without stress. I don't expect that we will go live on some tropical island and never have to work again and live life like every day is vacation (but wouldn't that be nice?). If we could get jobs close to home and never have to worry about leaving the mountain then I wouldn't worry. But it's not reality. Since beginning this post MH got a new job that he is very excited about. But still with the commute. My job is absolutely ridiculous as far as stress is concerned. I am looking into getting into a different line of work altogether. I don't even know what I am doing.
But anyway, those are my thoughts for the day. If we did move it wouldn't be for another year; maybe next summer. I just need to see how things play out for us.
Saturday, July 26, 2014
Saturday, July 12, 2014
Aaaaaaand she lands........oof.
Well for those who have been following me I apologize for taking so long to write again. For those who give no fucks, well here I am again. Heeeeere's Cat!
So it happened. I made it through to the last day of school. It was pure torture. On many levels. But more on that later. On the last day of school I brought with me a suitcase and a bag. When the clock struck one my cousin picked me up from school and took me directly to the airport where I boarded a plane that brought me to Minnesota. The next day, first thing in the morning I saw my new doctor. At the Mayo Clinic.
Yes friends, I finally made it to Mayo. My mom met me there and spent the entire week there with me. I had all the tests and saw all the doctors. This was unlike any experience I have ever had before. First of all, I totally expected to be overwhelmed, stressed, confused and hurried which turned out to be anything BUT the case. The Mayo Clinic was like a well oiled machine, with everything laid out in such an organized fashion that it was almost impossible to get lost. There was no hurrying. No stress. No rushing. It was so mellow. There was live music in various areas in the buildings and everyone was so nice. Although to be fair, I have heard that "Minnesota Niceness" is an actual thing. But the best thing was that I felt so good about the quality of care that I received. All these doctors worked together as a team to help me put all the pieces together. My situation is multifaceted and complex but is ultimately manageable.
Basically what I have is a funtional GI disorder called "funtional dyspepsia". I knew it was a functional problem; I had been saying it since the beginning. I am not allergic to any foods, I don't have an autoimmune disease, I don't have leaky gut. MY GUT IS NOT FUNCTIONING RIGHT!!!!! Too many people scared the shit out of me forever, trying to tell me I had any number of issues until I finally had to just stop talking to people about it. Which really sucks. But I digress.........anyway functional dyspepsia is when your body is actually fine but thinks it isn't and starts acting like it has an ulcer and stuff. It's likely a reaction to stress, and my surgery was a stressful "event" that happened in my body and it didn't get a chance to reprogram. Anyway, I will spare you the details but basically I have to watch my breathing, eat smaller meals, chew my food really well, make sure I don't go too long without eating and I have to take this herbal supplement before I eat called Iberogast (yup, my GI prescribed me an herbal supplement). And I have to go back on my depression medication. The mind/gut connection is fierce in me, and I need to get my shit together. So I'm taking small steps to get back on Lexapro and stay on it forever. Through pregnancy, breastfeeding, everything. No more being without serotonin. Because it's just been so bad. So hopefully I can start feeling better.
There it is! It's crazy to think that everything is over and I no longer have to be a professional sick person. No more running around to a million doctors or trying to figure out what's wrong. It's over.
So it happened. I made it through to the last day of school. It was pure torture. On many levels. But more on that later. On the last day of school I brought with me a suitcase and a bag. When the clock struck one my cousin picked me up from school and took me directly to the airport where I boarded a plane that brought me to Minnesota. The next day, first thing in the morning I saw my new doctor. At the Mayo Clinic.
Yes friends, I finally made it to Mayo. My mom met me there and spent the entire week there with me. I had all the tests and saw all the doctors. This was unlike any experience I have ever had before. First of all, I totally expected to be overwhelmed, stressed, confused and hurried which turned out to be anything BUT the case. The Mayo Clinic was like a well oiled machine, with everything laid out in such an organized fashion that it was almost impossible to get lost. There was no hurrying. No stress. No rushing. It was so mellow. There was live music in various areas in the buildings and everyone was so nice. Although to be fair, I have heard that "Minnesota Niceness" is an actual thing. But the best thing was that I felt so good about the quality of care that I received. All these doctors worked together as a team to help me put all the pieces together. My situation is multifaceted and complex but is ultimately manageable.
Basically what I have is a funtional GI disorder called "funtional dyspepsia". I knew it was a functional problem; I had been saying it since the beginning. I am not allergic to any foods, I don't have an autoimmune disease, I don't have leaky gut. MY GUT IS NOT FUNCTIONING RIGHT!!!!! Too many people scared the shit out of me forever, trying to tell me I had any number of issues until I finally had to just stop talking to people about it. Which really sucks. But I digress.........anyway functional dyspepsia is when your body is actually fine but thinks it isn't and starts acting like it has an ulcer and stuff. It's likely a reaction to stress, and my surgery was a stressful "event" that happened in my body and it didn't get a chance to reprogram. Anyway, I will spare you the details but basically I have to watch my breathing, eat smaller meals, chew my food really well, make sure I don't go too long without eating and I have to take this herbal supplement before I eat called Iberogast (yup, my GI prescribed me an herbal supplement). And I have to go back on my depression medication. The mind/gut connection is fierce in me, and I need to get my shit together. So I'm taking small steps to get back on Lexapro and stay on it forever. Through pregnancy, breastfeeding, everything. No more being without serotonin. Because it's just been so bad. So hopefully I can start feeling better.
There it is! It's crazy to think that everything is over and I no longer have to be a professional sick person. No more running around to a million doctors or trying to figure out what's wrong. It's over.
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