Now for the not so awesome stuff. My meds are seriously screwing with me. I haven't slept in two weeks. Last night I only slept for two hours. I finally had a nervous breakdown when my husband got up. School starts in three weeks. I can't go back feeling like this. My heart pounds all day, my whole body is shaking, my head is foggy and dizzy and my eyes hurt and have a hard time focusing. This is not right. The RE told me that he does not want me taking Ativan during pregnancy but that he was fine with the Lexapro. So I have not been taking the Ativan because I am afraid of getting addicted to it (it is a controlled substance and it is easy to get addicted--I have in the past because I took one each morning upon waking. I managed to get off of it pretty easily but I was already taking my SSRIs for a long time at that point). I cut my Lexapro dose in half because I felt it was too much and it was most definitely screwing with me way too much. The problem is now I don't know what's happening--am I having withdrawals from that? From the Ativan? Do I have to just stop the Lexapro altogether? I am beyond frustrated because I feel like no one can help me. I just keep having bad reaction to antidepressants now--even after taking them for so many years!! Honestly, the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life was to wean off of them. My life has been hell ever since (for other reasons) and because of the fact that I've not been medicated I have not been coping with everything very well. I had such high hopes after leaving Mayo and am literally devastated that the treatment plan is going like this. I was doing great with the small increments until just over two weeks ago. I am now going to look for a psychiatrist who specializes in reproductive psychiatry and can help me with treatment now, during and after pregnancy. I am well aware that this all needs to be under control before I can start cycling with the RE so I am really hoping that we can figure something out. Fuck. It just never, ever stops or gets any easier, does it?.........
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So I just got back from seeing my psychiatric nurse practitioner and my therapist AND I also spoke on the phone with a psychiatric nurse at the Mayo Clinic. I was completely freaking out when I wrote the first half of this post this morning, so I am a bit more stable now. Everyone is in agreement that I am suffering from withdrawals, all of my own idiotic doing. My doctor at Mayo told me to slowly raise my dosage of Lexapro by 5 mgs at a time which I had been doing. But at 15 it started to get to be too much and by 20 (target dosage) it was ridiculous. I couldn't handle it (even though that is the dose I took for ten years before stopping it in 2012). So I called and she told me to take 15. But I'm an asshole and thought "I felt best when I was at 10" so I decided I was going to do that. Terrible. Then I just abruptly stopped the Ativan even though I know that it is addictive as I mentioned before--but I didn't think about any of this. I didn't think "I may just be having withdrawals" because I freaked out thinking that it was all affecting me the way everything else has this past year and I spiraled. This is what happens. So now I will stay on 10 mgs of Lexapro and hopefully continue on that permanently. I will resume the Ativan for now and taper off once the Lexapro has taken full effect. Now maybe I can get some goddamn sleep and stop trying to do everything myself. I need to remember that these doctors all know what they are talking about.
The End.
Showing posts with label Mayo Clinic. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mayo Clinic. Show all posts
Monday, August 11, 2014
Saturday, July 12, 2014
Aaaaaaand she lands........oof.
Well for those who have been following me I apologize for taking so long to write again. For those who give no fucks, well here I am again. Heeeeere's Cat!
So it happened. I made it through to the last day of school. It was pure torture. On many levels. But more on that later. On the last day of school I brought with me a suitcase and a bag. When the clock struck one my cousin picked me up from school and took me directly to the airport where I boarded a plane that brought me to Minnesota. The next day, first thing in the morning I saw my new doctor. At the Mayo Clinic.
Yes friends, I finally made it to Mayo. My mom met me there and spent the entire week there with me. I had all the tests and saw all the doctors. This was unlike any experience I have ever had before. First of all, I totally expected to be overwhelmed, stressed, confused and hurried which turned out to be anything BUT the case. The Mayo Clinic was like a well oiled machine, with everything laid out in such an organized fashion that it was almost impossible to get lost. There was no hurrying. No stress. No rushing. It was so mellow. There was live music in various areas in the buildings and everyone was so nice. Although to be fair, I have heard that "Minnesota Niceness" is an actual thing. But the best thing was that I felt so good about the quality of care that I received. All these doctors worked together as a team to help me put all the pieces together. My situation is multifaceted and complex but is ultimately manageable.
Basically what I have is a funtional GI disorder called "funtional dyspepsia". I knew it was a functional problem; I had been saying it since the beginning. I am not allergic to any foods, I don't have an autoimmune disease, I don't have leaky gut. MY GUT IS NOT FUNCTIONING RIGHT!!!!! Too many people scared the shit out of me forever, trying to tell me I had any number of issues until I finally had to just stop talking to people about it. Which really sucks. But I digress.........anyway functional dyspepsia is when your body is actually fine but thinks it isn't and starts acting like it has an ulcer and stuff. It's likely a reaction to stress, and my surgery was a stressful "event" that happened in my body and it didn't get a chance to reprogram. Anyway, I will spare you the details but basically I have to watch my breathing, eat smaller meals, chew my food really well, make sure I don't go too long without eating and I have to take this herbal supplement before I eat called Iberogast (yup, my GI prescribed me an herbal supplement). And I have to go back on my depression medication. The mind/gut connection is fierce in me, and I need to get my shit together. So I'm taking small steps to get back on Lexapro and stay on it forever. Through pregnancy, breastfeeding, everything. No more being without serotonin. Because it's just been so bad. So hopefully I can start feeling better.
There it is! It's crazy to think that everything is over and I no longer have to be a professional sick person. No more running around to a million doctors or trying to figure out what's wrong. It's over.
So it happened. I made it through to the last day of school. It was pure torture. On many levels. But more on that later. On the last day of school I brought with me a suitcase and a bag. When the clock struck one my cousin picked me up from school and took me directly to the airport where I boarded a plane that brought me to Minnesota. The next day, first thing in the morning I saw my new doctor. At the Mayo Clinic.
Yes friends, I finally made it to Mayo. My mom met me there and spent the entire week there with me. I had all the tests and saw all the doctors. This was unlike any experience I have ever had before. First of all, I totally expected to be overwhelmed, stressed, confused and hurried which turned out to be anything BUT the case. The Mayo Clinic was like a well oiled machine, with everything laid out in such an organized fashion that it was almost impossible to get lost. There was no hurrying. No stress. No rushing. It was so mellow. There was live music in various areas in the buildings and everyone was so nice. Although to be fair, I have heard that "Minnesota Niceness" is an actual thing. But the best thing was that I felt so good about the quality of care that I received. All these doctors worked together as a team to help me put all the pieces together. My situation is multifaceted and complex but is ultimately manageable.
Basically what I have is a funtional GI disorder called "funtional dyspepsia". I knew it was a functional problem; I had been saying it since the beginning. I am not allergic to any foods, I don't have an autoimmune disease, I don't have leaky gut. MY GUT IS NOT FUNCTIONING RIGHT!!!!! Too many people scared the shit out of me forever, trying to tell me I had any number of issues until I finally had to just stop talking to people about it. Which really sucks. But I digress.........anyway functional dyspepsia is when your body is actually fine but thinks it isn't and starts acting like it has an ulcer and stuff. It's likely a reaction to stress, and my surgery was a stressful "event" that happened in my body and it didn't get a chance to reprogram. Anyway, I will spare you the details but basically I have to watch my breathing, eat smaller meals, chew my food really well, make sure I don't go too long without eating and I have to take this herbal supplement before I eat called Iberogast (yup, my GI prescribed me an herbal supplement). And I have to go back on my depression medication. The mind/gut connection is fierce in me, and I need to get my shit together. So I'm taking small steps to get back on Lexapro and stay on it forever. Through pregnancy, breastfeeding, everything. No more being without serotonin. Because it's just been so bad. So hopefully I can start feeling better.
There it is! It's crazy to think that everything is over and I no longer have to be a professional sick person. No more running around to a million doctors or trying to figure out what's wrong. It's over.
Saturday, May 3, 2014
It's been a while.......
It's been too long since I've blogged. I keep thinking about it, but then I forget or I realize that I have something better to do. Or, if I'm being honest, I just haven't fucking felt like it considering I have nothing new to say. But now I think maybe it's time to come back into the game.
Things are a little weird for me right now. That's all I can say. It's not all bad, some of it is really good. But it's just......weird. Different. Almost like I can feel the tides changing. Which is great because I reeeeeally need it.
My job is likely going to become permanent. That's great; I just wish it were closer to being my dream job. I know sometimes you have to "make" your dream job, as in I need to find ways to make it be better. But I don't see that happening, since what I don't like about it is teaching pre-K-1. 2 is almost acceptable. 3 is okay but not my favorite. 4 is where the fun starts and for me continues up through 8 even though they are challenging. Honestly I just don't really like teaching general music; I just want to teach choir and music history/music appreciation. But this job is manageable for me and fun and I really like the faculty and adminsitration, plus the kids are nice and I could see myself feeing comfortable in the culture of the district. It is very small. So I like it, am glad it will become permanent and will be happy to go back next year but I will still be applying to things that come up that I feel I might like better or that are closer (right now I have about a 45-50 minute commute).
I have made an appointment to go to the Mayo clinic in Minnesota as soon as school gets out. My NYC doctor is blowing me off and I've had it. Mayo has the number one gastroenterology department in the country; I read an article in the fall that sounded like what I think I have where this girl had been to many doctors before the helped her at Mayo; I also know someone who went there when she had no luck with the doctors in her town and they helped her. So I'm going. Part of me feel like I might be jumping the gun a little considering that I live near NYC and so many hospitals and doctors, but I just don't know where else to go. I went to a New Jersey doctor who was totally lame, then moved on to my current doctor who is at NYU Langone--like, where do you go from there??? Who can I look for that would have more knowledge than there? I'm not doubting that someone exists, it's just that I don't know who they might be or where/how to find out. I am fully 100% convinced at this point that this is muscular and somehow related to my surgery and I can't even get ahold of my doctor to discuss it with him. I started these special stretching sessions to see if it would help and it made it worse within a week. Do I know for certain that is why I got worse? No. But do I know for certain that is NOT why I got worse? No. Ergo Mayo. Enough fucking around and taking shots in the dark. Take me to the experts and let me get on with my life.
So that's where I am now. H is miserable at his job but that isn't going to change for a little while. But we're working on it. Some new musical possibilities are on the horizon, but I'll save it for another post.
Things are a little weird for me right now. That's all I can say. It's not all bad, some of it is really good. But it's just......weird. Different. Almost like I can feel the tides changing. Which is great because I reeeeeally need it.
My job is likely going to become permanent. That's great; I just wish it were closer to being my dream job. I know sometimes you have to "make" your dream job, as in I need to find ways to make it be better. But I don't see that happening, since what I don't like about it is teaching pre-K-1. 2 is almost acceptable. 3 is okay but not my favorite. 4 is where the fun starts and for me continues up through 8 even though they are challenging. Honestly I just don't really like teaching general music; I just want to teach choir and music history/music appreciation. But this job is manageable for me and fun and I really like the faculty and adminsitration, plus the kids are nice and I could see myself feeing comfortable in the culture of the district. It is very small. So I like it, am glad it will become permanent and will be happy to go back next year but I will still be applying to things that come up that I feel I might like better or that are closer (right now I have about a 45-50 minute commute).
I have made an appointment to go to the Mayo clinic in Minnesota as soon as school gets out. My NYC doctor is blowing me off and I've had it. Mayo has the number one gastroenterology department in the country; I read an article in the fall that sounded like what I think I have where this girl had been to many doctors before the helped her at Mayo; I also know someone who went there when she had no luck with the doctors in her town and they helped her. So I'm going. Part of me feel like I might be jumping the gun a little considering that I live near NYC and so many hospitals and doctors, but I just don't know where else to go. I went to a New Jersey doctor who was totally lame, then moved on to my current doctor who is at NYU Langone--like, where do you go from there??? Who can I look for that would have more knowledge than there? I'm not doubting that someone exists, it's just that I don't know who they might be or where/how to find out. I am fully 100% convinced at this point that this is muscular and somehow related to my surgery and I can't even get ahold of my doctor to discuss it with him. I started these special stretching sessions to see if it would help and it made it worse within a week. Do I know for certain that is why I got worse? No. But do I know for certain that is NOT why I got worse? No. Ergo Mayo. Enough fucking around and taking shots in the dark. Take me to the experts and let me get on with my life.
So that's where I am now. H is miserable at his job but that isn't going to change for a little while. But we're working on it. Some new musical possibilities are on the horizon, but I'll save it for another post.
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