Aaaaaaand she lands........oof.

Well for those who have been following me I apologize for taking so long to write again.  For those who give no fucks, well here I am again.  Heeeeere's Cat!

So it happened.  I made it through to the last day of school.  It was pure torture.  On many levels. But more on that later.  On the last day of school I brought with me a suitcase and a bag.  When the clock struck one my cousin picked me up from school and took me directly to the airport where I boarded a plane that brought me to Minnesota.  The next day, first thing in the morning I saw my new doctor.  At the Mayo Clinic.

Yes friends, I finally made it to Mayo.  My mom met me there and spent the entire week there with me. I had all the tests and saw all the doctors.  This was unlike any experience I have ever had before.  First of all, I totally expected to be overwhelmed, stressed, confused and hurried which turned out to be anything BUT the case.  The Mayo Clinic was like a well oiled machine, with everything laid out in such an organized fashion that it was almost impossible to get lost.  There was no hurrying.  No stress.  No rushing.  It was so mellow.  There was live music in various areas in the buildings and everyone was so nice.  Although to be fair, I have heard that "Minnesota Niceness" is an actual thing.  But the best thing was that I felt so good about the quality of care that I received.  All these doctors worked together as a team to help me put all the pieces together.  My situation is multifaceted and complex but is ultimately manageable.

Basically what I have is a funtional GI disorder called "funtional dyspepsia".  I knew it was a functional problem; I had been saying it since the beginning.  I am not allergic to any foods, I don't have an autoimmune disease, I don't have leaky gut.  MY GUT IS NOT FUNCTIONING RIGHT!!!!!  Too many people scared the shit out of me forever, trying to tell me I had any number of issues until I finally had to just stop talking to people about it.  Which really sucks.  But I digress.........anyway functional dyspepsia is when your body is actually fine but thinks it isn't and starts acting like it has an ulcer and stuff.  It's likely a reaction to stress, and my surgery was a stressful "event" that happened in my body and it didn't get a chance to reprogram.  Anyway, I will spare you the details but basically I have to watch my breathing, eat smaller meals, chew my food really well, make sure I don't go too long without eating and I have to take this herbal supplement before I eat called Iberogast (yup, my GI prescribed me an herbal supplement).  And I have to go back on my depression medication.  The mind/gut connection is fierce in me, and I need to get my shit together.  So I'm taking small steps to get back on Lexapro and stay on it forever.  Through pregnancy, breastfeeding, everything.  No more being without serotonin.  Because it's just been so bad.  So hopefully I can start feeling better.

There it is!  It's crazy to think that everything is over and I no longer have to be a professional sick person.  No more running around to a million doctors or trying to figure out what's wrong.  It's over.

Mother's Day

Well, it is Mother's Day.  I honestly don't know how I feel or where I even belong.  I'm not necessarily infertile.......but I have not been pregnant yet.  We started trying almost two years ago.......but have not been able to try the whole time.  I want to try........but want to be healthy before we do again.  All of our one year testing came back fine (at one year and five months)........but we can't go any further than that until I am better or at least have answers as to what is wrong with me.

So fuck today.  I had a little breakdown today which I honestly wasn't excpecting.  I had dreams about Stanley last night and I woke up crying.  I cannot forgive myself for not giving him a proper burial/cremation.  He deserved better than just being thrown in with all the other animals and being scattered in some park.  I still miss him terribly.  I am terrified that I will never feel good again.  I know I need to stop, but I can't help feeling like going to Mayo in June is my last hope.  What if they can't help me?  What if they don't know anyone who can?  What if they just tell me this is the way it's going to be forever; that there's nothing that can be done?  What if they do something to screw me up even worse?  I just don't understand why all of this had to happen to me.  It has stolen the last two years of my life.  And to make matters worse I am going to be 35 in a week and a half.  Old.  Advanced maternal age.  And not even one child to show for it.  I am worried that my husband will always be miserable in his work.  I am worried that I will never find a job that is truly right for me, one that I'm not just settling for.  I want so badly to be able to go back on depression medication but I react so poorly to it now that I don't know if I can/should stand it.  Perhaps the side effects will dissipate if I give it two weeks?  I don't know.  And I have put on some weight so that my pants are fitting kind of tight.  Not good.  Why do things have to be so tough right now and when the fuck are they going to get better?  I feel like I need big changes.  I have no friends around me anymore.  I think people are tired of hearing about my problems.  I try really hard not to talk about it much, but when people ask how I am feeling what am I supposed to do?  Lie?  I try to just brush it off and say as little as I can.  I try to remain positive.  I think the bottom line is too that most people my age are busy with families that H and I don't have.

So honestly.....fuck everything right now.

It's been a while.......

It's been too long since I've blogged.  I keep thinking about it, but then I forget or I realize that I have something better to do.  Or, if I'm being honest, I just haven't fucking felt like it considering I have nothing new to say.  But now I think maybe it's time to come back into the game.

Things are a little weird for me right now.  That's all I can say.  It's not all bad, some of it is really good.  But it's just......weird.  Different.  Almost like I can feel the tides changing.  Which is great because I reeeeeally need it.

My job is likely going to become permanent.  That's great; I just wish it were closer to being my dream job.  I know sometimes you have to "make" your dream job, as in I need to find ways to make it be better.  But I don't see that happening, since what I don't like about it is teaching pre-K-1.  2 is almost acceptable.  3 is okay but not my favorite.  4 is where the fun starts and for me continues up through 8 even though they are challenging.  Honestly I just don't really like teaching general music; I just want to teach choir and music history/music appreciation.  But this job is manageable for me and fun and I really like the faculty and adminsitration, plus the kids are nice and I could see myself feeing comfortable in the culture of the district.  It is very small.  So I like it, am glad it will become permanent and will be happy to go back next year but I will still be applying to things that come up that I feel I might like better or that are closer (right now I have about a 45-50 minute commute).

I have made an appointment to go to the Mayo clinic in Minnesota as soon as school gets out.  My NYC doctor is blowing me off and I've had it.  Mayo has the number one gastroenterology department in the country; I read an article in the fall that sounded like what I think I have where this girl had been to many doctors before the helped her at Mayo; I also know someone who went there when she had no luck with the doctors in her town and they helped her.  So I'm going.  Part of me feel like I might be jumping the gun a little considering that I live near NYC and so many hospitals and doctors, but I just don't know where else to go.  I went to a New Jersey doctor who was totally lame, then moved on to my current doctor who is at NYU Langone--like, where do you go from there???  Who can I look for that would have more knowledge than there?  I'm not doubting that someone exists, it's just that I don't know who they might be or where/how to find out.  I am fully 100% convinced at this point that this is muscular and somehow related to my surgery and I can't even get ahold of my doctor to discuss it with him.  I started these special stretching sessions to see if it would help and it made it worse within a week.  Do I know for certain that is why I got worse?  No.  But do I know for certain that is NOT why I got worse?  No.  Ergo Mayo.  Enough fucking around and taking shots in the dark.  Take me to the experts and let me get on with my life.

So that's where I am now.  H is miserable at his job but that isn't going to change for a little while.  But we're working on it.  Some new musical possibilities are on the horizon, but I'll save it for another post.

God/The Universe

Can go fuck itself.  I have in the past been such a spiritual person and as much as I want to try and go back to it I just struggle with it too much now.  I just can't believe that all this crap would happen to me if there really were such thing as a higher power watching over me.  I know it could be worse--I know that.  I know I could be dying or hungry or whatever.  But my life has just been this trickle down of awfulness since summer of 2012 and everything that transpires just ends up being worse than the thing before.  I have tried over and over again to be positive and change the way I think about things but higher power is honestly just too much for me to accept.  Stanley's death just nailed the coffin for that as far as I'm concerned.  Just fuck everything.

I had a terrible weekend.  My husband had to work so I pretty much stayed home alone all weekend with Mingus and Lulu and cried.  I miss my cat so much it is hard to breathe sometimes.  I feel like I've had a piece of my heart ripped out.  I keep thinking about how I left him there, dead, and couldn't do anything about it.  I feel moments where I think I should have at least tried to get him to the big hospital for tests, but then I go back to knowing how bad it was and how much he truly was suffering and would have continued to suffer.  I think about how horrible it would have been to be thinking about him all alone at the house all day while I was at work, worrying that today would be the day I would come home and find him dead and not know what happened.  I think about how much money I would have spent and he would have ended up dying anyway.  I think about panicking and taking him back and forth to the vet.  I loved that cat so much there just aren't even enough words to express it.  And I feel like I failed him.  I should have taken his ashes.  I shouldn't have thrown out his food dish in a moment of feeling like I couldn't look at it there.  I should have gotten a lock of his fur.  All I have left is this beautiful paw print.  I feel so guilty even though deep down I know I shouldn't.  I think beating myself up about it just makes me feel like I might have someone to be mad at (me).  I don't know what else to do.

My stupid stomach illness isn't getting better.  I am going to see my doctor on Wednesday (thank goodness) but I am terrified of what he is going to say at this point.  I have been through elimination diets.  I have had rounds of antibiotics.  I have had every test ever.  What am I supposed to do?!?!  I want to go back to TTC.  Part of me just feels like, screw it, what is the worst that can happen?  I mean if it hasn't happened by now it probably won't anyway.  I am so discouraged by everything.  And to top it all off, I am pretty sure I am having an anovulatory cycle or a really long one.  I got my positive OPK on the day Stanley died and the day after.  That was over a week ago and still no O.  I know it is obviously because of the stress.  I just fucking hate my body in every way right now.

I actually do have some good news though, which is that I really like my new job.  I didn't think I was going to, and to be honest I almost didn't apply for it because I didn't want it.  Which is of course why I think I ended up getting it.  But it is working very well for me and seems to be a good fit which surprises me more than anyone I'm sure.  It's a lot of fun so far and the kids are great.  Perhaps my Stanley is guiding them to be good for me.  I guess we'll see how it progresses.

The Last Straw

I am going back on meds I think.  I have been unmedicated for a year and a half with a short time in the middle where I went back on them.  I literally can't do life anymore.  I started a new job this week which is great but I remember how hard it is to work when I feel like such shit.  My stomach hurts so bad that when I walk around I just hug my arms around it.  It is huge all the time.  I still don't know what's wrong.  My gastroenterologist put me on antibiotics to try and change the flora in my gut.  I got a nice yeast infection from those for Valentine's day.  I also had a complete and total meltdown last night.

I told my husband that I felt that I must deserve all this shit.  That I've tried so hard in my life to do the right things and be a good person and it's just gotten me nowhere.  I got sick with my pelvic pain last year and lost my job and my best friend.  As soon as that was over this began.  I just can't take it anymore.  I told him I didn't deserve him.  I was mean to him because he was complaining about his job; I told him I couldn't have that conversation anymore.  He is miserable because he hates his job.  I am miserable because I am sick and can do nothing about it, because I am going to be 35 in three months and am still childless, because my husband is miserable and because I am straight up depressed.

I can't believe I didn't see it sooner.  I have taken no joy in any of the things I like to do for months.  I am a singer by nature; it's what I do, it's who I am.  I am a music teacher.  H and I met through music.  I sing in an a cappella group and I used to love practicing and working on music; now it's a chore.  Cooking and baking were big hobbies of mine, but food makes my stomach worse so even though I eat it always gives me anxiety and worry.  So that's out.  I don't want to do anything.  I used to be so passionate about so many things in my life; now the only thing I have been passionate about is getting healthy so we could start a family................

But that's out for now too.  I realize that in big huge bright lights now.  We are avoiding until I get better and until we can figure out our shit.  I told my husband last night that once my benefits kick in in April he should quit his job, even if he doesn't have anything else lined up.  I just can't deal with him and his job misery anymore.  He has no idea if he wants to work for himself or find another job.  I really don't give a shit what he does as long as he is happy and making some money.  I would be perfectly happy to be the main breadwinner.  I feel terrible that I am so mean and short about this with him and I know it isn't really me to be this impatient and cranky and straight bitchy.  I know that in reality it is because I don't feel good and I am getting to the last straw with it.

I am hoping that if I got back on meds it will help me cope a little better and just help me to get through.    When (if) the time comes for me to think about pregnancy again I will cross that bridge when I come to it.  The issue is that the last time I went on meds I had terrible trouble with racing heartbeat.  Even when I took Lexapro, which I had taken for eleven years prior to being off of them.  I hope I can find something I can handle this time around again.  But whatever helps me is what I will do.  I can't stand living this way anymore.

Fuck everything

I hate everything today.  And yesterday too.  I am so goddamn sick of being sick I could just scream.  After all the shit I went through last year, less than three months after my surgery I came down with this weird stomach thing.  It's like bloating and pain and sometimes other symptoms that come and go, but the sensation and the discomfort and pain do not go away or get better ever and there is nothing I can do that helps.  I have had every test there is and nothing ever comes up.  I had my pelvic pain specialist recommend the best gastroenterologist she knew of because fuck going through all these small time doctors anymore.  I went to one and basically used him for all the tests so that by the time my appointment with Dr. K, my doctor in the city, rolled around I had all the test results to bring him.  My other doctor said to me very casually that "sometimes these are symptoms of ovarian cancer."  He had in his possession copies of all three transvaginal ultrasounds as well as a pelvic abdominal ultrasound that all showed normal ovaries.  And who says that to a young woman like that?!?!  I was so pissed. It was that moment that I knew I was going to go nowhere with him.  I love Dr. K and will continue on with him until he says he can't help me.  But so far I have gotten nowhere.  I have been on the FODMAPS diet, I went gluten free for two months, I have taken a food allergy blood test--NOTHING has helped.

And the pregnancy announcements.  Oh, the pregnancy announcements.  They are coming in like a train that just won't stop.  TWINS.  FOR TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE IN MY LIFE.  I just can't anymore; I seriously can't.  We had all our IF testing done and it all came up fine, but we can't pursue it anymore at this time because I need to wait at this point to resolve my stomach problems.  So we are currently TTA and I HATE it.  I am going to be 35 in May.  We started TTC in August of 2012 when I was 33.  Then pelvic pain in October 2012 and it has just been a constant steady stream of fuckery since then.

I would give anything to just feel normal again.  To enjoy my life.  To have the chance to be happy.  To eat without freaking out.  I don't understand how I could go from one illness to another so goddamn quickly when they couldn't be any less related.  My doctor thought that perhaps the bloating was due to muscle dysfunction from my hip surgery, but we had to take that off the table with the onset of new symptoms.  I hate being sick and not knowing what is wrong.  That is the worst part.  The not knowing.  And today I just feel like punching walls.  This is not living; this is existing.  It is torture.  I get so upset now when I look at our wedding photos and how happy we were and how much promise there was in our future.  Little did we know what kind of shitty stuff would be around the corner.

I am starting a new job on Monday.  I was so happy when I got offered the job, but I honestly am not looking forward to it at all because I just feel like such shit.  I know it will be good for me, and I know it is better to be out in the workforce and not sitting at home depressed and focusing on how bad I feel.  But I am always terrified that what happened to me with my last job will happen to me again (I was so sick that I could no longer work and they didn't renew my contract).  I don't have the heart to face that again.  I just want this to stop, and it keeps going on and on.........I feel so helpless and out of control and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it other than what I am doing.

I must have been a terrible person in a past life.  I must have horrible karma.  But oh well; I try to remind myself that it could be worse.  That I don't have something deadly.  But I don't know what I have and it's ruining my life and my husband's.  What kind of a life is that?

New Year's Day

Well.  If it isn't New Year's Day 2014.  I started this blog almost two years ago when I decided I was going to try and go off my medication for my clinical depression to prepare for pregnancy.  Holy shit.  I had no idea what I had coming to me.  It became so much that I couldn't even be bothered to blog about it because it just became ridiculous.  Here is what happened in nice neat bullet points:

• Feb. 2012: started medication withdrawal, started blog.  (This was a failure.  Not ready to go off meds.)
• July 2012: moved to a new house, started med withdrawal for real.  Sought help from a chiropractor.
• August 2012: completed withdrawal.  Bumpy ride, but worth the trip.  Feeling physically better being unmedicated for the first time in twelve years. (see old post about side effects)  Got my IUD removed.  Successfully audition for a local semi-pro a cappella group.
• September 2012: diagnosed with nodules on my vocal cords.  I am a singer and a music teacher.  Not good.  My voice feels like hot lava.  Have to quit a cappella group after two rehearsals.
• October 2012: came down with pelvic pain condition.  Whoa.  Had doctors tell me I was crazy, that it was all in my head.  No one is crazy enough to tell the doctor that their vagina hurts.  Fuck that. 
• February 2013: Everything was awful.  Pain so bad I can hardly stand for one hour.  My depression/anxiety was crazy because of all this crap going on.  Vocal cords were in shreds.  I decided to take time off of work to figure out what was going on because doctor's appointments are taking up too much work time.
• March 2013: Came down with Stevens-Johnson Syndrome, a potentially deadly allergic reaction to a supplement (Sees 2000 lomatium dissectum/desert parsley).  Had to be hospitalized on IV meds for four days.  Finally had an appointment with a specialist in NYC who found something with my hip.  Refered me to hip specialist.
• April 2013: DX (finally!!!!) with bone impingement and a labral tear in my left hip.  The doctor told me that the head of the femur was too big for the hip socket, therefore tearing the labrum and sliding out of the socket against the ilio psoas tendon which was inflamed.  The ilio psoas is connected to all the nerves in the pelvic floor.  What?!  Unbelieveable.  But at least it got figured out.  Got told I should not go back to work as I will be anticipating surgery.  Got a phone call from my job saying they have decided not to renew my contract because of some lame reason they came up with to cover up the fact that they are afraid if they renew my contract I will still be sick.  Illegal.
• May 2013: My ENT told me my nodules were responsive to the speech therapy I had been doing and were 99% gone.  Got surgery to repair my hip.  
• June 2013: Started physical therapy.  
• July 2013: rejoined a cappella group.  Best thing to happen to me in 2013!  Feeling optimistic.  Had HUGE pain flare; worst since before I stopped working.
• August 2013: Got an injection into my pudendal nerve to calm the pain.  Came down with stomach condition.  Right when things were starting to get better with my pelvic pain.
• September 2013: Got offered a long term sub position in a nearby school district.  Hooray!
• December 2013: Finally saw a doctor that might have a clue what is happening with my stomach.  Implemented new diet starting today.  So we'll see.  Job ended.

Sound like fun?  Cuz it wasn't.  Now I am going to start thinking about infertility testing this month too.  You know, since there's no baby yet either.  And I'm 34 1/2.  Ugh.  Anyway, my hope is that this year will be a lot better and that I will be able to put all this shit behind me.  I will try and get this blog going because I'm tired of feeling like I have nowhere to vent my frustrations.

>^^<