Some words about destressing.........

So if you haven't read my last post(s) I have been sick for basically two years straight with crazy mystery illnesses that while very real were hugely exacerbated by stress.  Since I have come to the final realization that yes, I will need to take SSRIs for the rest of my life, I know that will be a huge thing that will help me feel better.  MH has bipolar disorder which is pretty well under control, but if you know anything about bipolar disorder, just like depression there are flareups.  They are more frequent and more serious than with regular depressive disorder, but we do okay.  Here's the kicker: in the past two years since I have been off my meds and I have been sick and had crazy shit happen with jobs and he hates his job and is dealing with his own mood disorder.........well shit, it has been SO HARD to try and hold each other up!  I mean damn near impossible.  The summer before I got sick (2012) we made a big move out of the metropolitan area into the mountains to try and find respite from the craziness down there.  We have been very happy with our move; we rented a little house on a lake.  Everything is quiet, people are nicer and the pace of life is real slow and pleasant.  The problem is that everyone up here pretty much commutes back down to the area we moved from because that's where the jobs are.  So we wake up super early, fight through the hour commute (sometimes more if there is an accident or if the traffic is really bad for some reason unbeknowst to anyone ever) and drag ourselves to jobs that are overly stressful.  Then we fight through the commute again.

Life is just crazy.  I know that there is no such thing as a life without stress.  I just think things in our society have gotten way out of control and there really feels like no way around it sometimes.  You have to work so much harder nowadays to make less money and everything is just so fucking expensive.  Especially where we live.  Plus everyone is competing for space in this congested area and people are pissed off and angry all the time.  We are trying to figure out what the best solution is.  While we truly do love it here and have friends and NYC and MH's family closeby, sometimes I think that it is not the healthiest thing for us to be living here.  Sometimes I think we would do a lot better living in, say California.  My mom lives there, so we would still have family.  But there would be fresh air and sunshine year round, warmer weather and fresh produce available year round.  Plus the lifestyle is so much more laid back (we would be moving about an hour and a half north of LA, so none of that nonsense).  Even though we would miss it here sometimes I just think that health wise it might be a wise decision.  MH hates the winter.  He is very affected by it and his mood is much worse during the dark, cold months.  He despises shoveling and snow.  I don't mind it; in fact I even like it!  But I do admit that it gets old after a while and I think if we just made a point to come out at Christmas every year then we could get our time in the snow and cold and really appreciate it and then come home.  My mom is also a huge support for us and would absolutely die to have us live near her.  I have always thought of myself as so "east coast" but I don't really know if that's necessarily the healthiest thing for me in a lot of respects.  When I go to CA I'm always like "this shit is so slow!" but isn't that better really?  I mean, out here everyone is constantly in a rush and the stress is enough to make your head explode.

Don't get me wrong--again; I know there is no such thing as a life without stress.  I don't expect that we will go live on some tropical island and never have to work again and live life like every day is vacation (but wouldn't that be nice?).  If we could get jobs close to home and never have to worry about leaving the mountain then I wouldn't worry.  But it's not reality.  Since beginning this post MH got a new job that he is very excited about.  But still with the commute.  My job is absolutely ridiculous as far as stress is concerned.  I am looking into getting into a different line of work altogether.  I don't even know what I am doing.

But anyway, those are my thoughts for the day.  If we did move it wouldn't be for another year; maybe next summer.  I just need to see how things play out for us.

Fuck everything

I hate everything today.  And yesterday too.  I am so goddamn sick of being sick I could just scream.  After all the shit I went through last year, less than three months after my surgery I came down with this weird stomach thing.  It's like bloating and pain and sometimes other symptoms that come and go, but the sensation and the discomfort and pain do not go away or get better ever and there is nothing I can do that helps.  I have had every test there is and nothing ever comes up.  I had my pelvic pain specialist recommend the best gastroenterologist she knew of because fuck going through all these small time doctors anymore.  I went to one and basically used him for all the tests so that by the time my appointment with Dr. K, my doctor in the city, rolled around I had all the test results to bring him.  My other doctor said to me very casually that "sometimes these are symptoms of ovarian cancer."  He had in his possession copies of all three transvaginal ultrasounds as well as a pelvic abdominal ultrasound that all showed normal ovaries.  And who says that to a young woman like that?!?!  I was so pissed. It was that moment that I knew I was going to go nowhere with him.  I love Dr. K and will continue on with him until he says he can't help me.  But so far I have gotten nowhere.  I have been on the FODMAPS diet, I went gluten free for two months, I have taken a food allergy blood test--NOTHING has helped.

And the pregnancy announcements.  Oh, the pregnancy announcements.  They are coming in like a train that just won't stop.  TWINS.  FOR TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE IN MY LIFE.  I just can't anymore; I seriously can't.  We had all our IF testing done and it all came up fine, but we can't pursue it anymore at this time because I need to wait at this point to resolve my stomach problems.  So we are currently TTA and I HATE it.  I am going to be 35 in May.  We started TTC in August of 2012 when I was 33.  Then pelvic pain in October 2012 and it has just been a constant steady stream of fuckery since then.

I would give anything to just feel normal again.  To enjoy my life.  To have the chance to be happy.  To eat without freaking out.  I don't understand how I could go from one illness to another so goddamn quickly when they couldn't be any less related.  My doctor thought that perhaps the bloating was due to muscle dysfunction from my hip surgery, but we had to take that off the table with the onset of new symptoms.  I hate being sick and not knowing what is wrong.  That is the worst part.  The not knowing.  And today I just feel like punching walls.  This is not living; this is existing.  It is torture.  I get so upset now when I look at our wedding photos and how happy we were and how much promise there was in our future.  Little did we know what kind of shitty stuff would be around the corner.

I am starting a new job on Monday.  I was so happy when I got offered the job, but I honestly am not looking forward to it at all because I just feel like such shit.  I know it will be good for me, and I know it is better to be out in the workforce and not sitting at home depressed and focusing on how bad I feel.  But I am always terrified that what happened to me with my last job will happen to me again (I was so sick that I could no longer work and they didn't renew my contract).  I don't have the heart to face that again.  I just want this to stop, and it keeps going on and on.........I feel so helpless and out of control and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it other than what I am doing.

I must have been a terrible person in a past life.  I must have horrible karma.  But oh well; I try to remind myself that it could be worse.  That I don't have something deadly.  But I don't know what I have and it's ruining my life and my husband's.  What kind of a life is that?