Amazing.

It is amazing what you can accomplish when you are not depressed.  So in other words, it's amazing to realize how most regular people go about living their daily lives.  I came to this realization the other day that for the first time in two years I feel normal.  Yes, you heard me right--the meds are WORKING!!!  I am not depressed!!!!  My doctor at Mayo told me that my depression and anxiety were most likely even worse than I thought and that they were affecting my life much more than I even realized.  I heard her, but I didn't really think about it.  I mean, I have been dealing with this for fifteen years now, and I thought I knew everything.  I have been medicated since the age of 20, have been hospitalized twice, and have gone on and off meds three times before this fourth and final time two years ago.  But she was right; I didn't realize how much my mental illness was affecting every single aspect of my life.  I'll explain.


So, most people without actual mental illness feel depressed sometimes.  That's normal.  You might feel bummed about the weather.  Or maybe you just had a crappy day.  Or you're tired and don't want to do much.  You might end up thinking about family/friends/pets who passed away, or old girlfriends/boyfriends, shitty bosses, bad stuff you did........but when it comes down to it you can live your life like a functional person.  Someone with MDD (major depressive disorder) and/or GAD (generalized anxiety disorder, most frequently paired together but not always) doesn't.  Everything is a big deal; every day little things like tending the litter box or cooking dinner or taking the dog out or making the bed......those things can sometimes be so hard.  It's very serious, and I don't think it's taken seriously enough, because of the fact that most of us know someone (or someones) who has taken antidepressants at one point or another.  Some people had post-partum depression.  Some people needed extra help after their mom passed away, or to get through school, or whatever.  I'm not at all saying that these people shouldn't take meds; by all means if it helps them to feel good then they should do whatever is necessary.  My point is that most of the time those people do not not need to be on meds permanently; it is not a lifelong incurable illness they are dealing with.  People who do have mental illness are not taken seriously enough because most people don't understand it.  It's more than just feeling sad.  It's feeling hopeless, worthless, meaningless, devoid of self confidence, beyond reason, completely drained of energy and the capacity to deal with life.  It's a lifelong battle that will never fully come to an end.  For me, my house was always so dirty.  I felt worthless as a wife because how could I ever expect to have kids when I couldn't even clean up after my husband and myself and three cats?  I would tell myself I was going to clean the next day and then I would wake up and not do it.  I would watch TV for hours when my husband wasn't around, because what would I do instead?  Think about how shitty everything is and how I have no friends?  Who would want to listen to me anyway?

The last two years have been unfathomably difficult, and it started with me deciding to go off my meds in the summer of 2012 so we could start trying for a family.  Everything from that moment on just went downhill and kept on going down the deepest hole I could have ever imagined.  Between my pelvic pain, losing my job, my husband's misery at his own job, managing his bipolar disorder, having surgery, coming down with my stomach illness, losing our precious cat, not being medicated and doctors, doctors, doctors it has been almost unbearable at times.  I wished for my death every day.  I stopped caring.  If this was what life was like then what was the point?  Had I been medicated all of these things still would have happened, but my capacity to handle them wouldn't have been so compromised.

I am currently dealing with tapering off of Ativan which is incredibly difficult and sucks, but I know it's all for good reasons (cannot take it during pregnancy).  I am down to a quarter of a miligram this week and will take my last dose on Friday.  Then that's it.  It sucks because physiologically it makes me feel pretty crappy.  However on Monday I went to school to talk to my principal and do a few things to prepare for going back to school next week.  It was pretty mellow but I had a bad headache from the withdrawals.  When I got home I wanted to lay down and chill but I knew I had to change the litter box because it smelled really bad.  So I decided I would do that first so that I could really relax.  Then I decided I had done that I might as well vacuum.  Then I thought, well since I did that I might as well......and before I knew it I had had two productive hours that were not even that big a deal.  I stopped suddenly and realized....then meds are working.  I am starting to actually feel better.  I just know that once the effects of this shitty Ativan wear off everything will be different.  So much better.  I can't wait.

We're Going to the RE!

Well I finally decided that it was better to make an appointment while I am not in school yet just in case I have to do a lot of running around.  I want to take as little time off as possible in order to make sure that any sick time I have goes to future maternity leave if needed.  I figured it has certainly been plenty of time--that's 6 months with charting and temping and 10 months of unprotected sex.  I'm 35 now so the 6 months is enough.  I was going to wait until October to make the appointment but at this point I'm done.  I just want to see what they have to say.  MH was fighting me on it a little bit but my feeling is if they say they see nothing then I suppose we'll keep trying for another couple of months before we move on to treatment.  But what if they do find something?  At this point we don't have time to waste anymore.  My age is a huge factor and I DON'T want to just wait around without any knowledge anymore.  So we're going on Friday.  We have viewed the videos on their website and sent them all our medical history and filled out all the paperwork.  We're fucking going.  And I'm very excited!  I'm nervous--but excited.  I just want to have a plan at this point.

I am doing a little better health wise, but I'm having some trouble adjusting to my meds.  I was fine at 5 and 10 mgs but when I went up to 15 and now 20.....I'm having a hard time.  I am not sleeping--like, waking up every half hour not sleeping.  And also some other stuff.  I'm hoping it will pass, but I may have to scale back.  I'm going to contact my doctor.  I will of course share all of this with the RE and I realize that it's not ideal for me to be going through this while trying to get pregnant but I don't even care.  I know it will all get worked out soon.  I've felt worse than this and I've been through worse!  Again; no time to fucking waste anymore.  Time to get this show on the road!  MH starts his new job on August 25th, I go back to work September 2nd.  I'd like to have an idea of where I stand with meds and TTC by then.

Some words about destressing.........

So if you haven't read my last post(s) I have been sick for basically two years straight with crazy mystery illnesses that while very real were hugely exacerbated by stress.  Since I have come to the final realization that yes, I will need to take SSRIs for the rest of my life, I know that will be a huge thing that will help me feel better.  MH has bipolar disorder which is pretty well under control, but if you know anything about bipolar disorder, just like depression there are flareups.  They are more frequent and more serious than with regular depressive disorder, but we do okay.  Here's the kicker: in the past two years since I have been off my meds and I have been sick and had crazy shit happen with jobs and he hates his job and is dealing with his own mood disorder.........well shit, it has been SO HARD to try and hold each other up!  I mean damn near impossible.  The summer before I got sick (2012) we made a big move out of the metropolitan area into the mountains to try and find respite from the craziness down there.  We have been very happy with our move; we rented a little house on a lake.  Everything is quiet, people are nicer and the pace of life is real slow and pleasant.  The problem is that everyone up here pretty much commutes back down to the area we moved from because that's where the jobs are.  So we wake up super early, fight through the hour commute (sometimes more if there is an accident or if the traffic is really bad for some reason unbeknowst to anyone ever) and drag ourselves to jobs that are overly stressful.  Then we fight through the commute again.

Life is just crazy.  I know that there is no such thing as a life without stress.  I just think things in our society have gotten way out of control and there really feels like no way around it sometimes.  You have to work so much harder nowadays to make less money and everything is just so fucking expensive.  Especially where we live.  Plus everyone is competing for space in this congested area and people are pissed off and angry all the time.  We are trying to figure out what the best solution is.  While we truly do love it here and have friends and NYC and MH's family closeby, sometimes I think that it is not the healthiest thing for us to be living here.  Sometimes I think we would do a lot better living in, say California.  My mom lives there, so we would still have family.  But there would be fresh air and sunshine year round, warmer weather and fresh produce available year round.  Plus the lifestyle is so much more laid back (we would be moving about an hour and a half north of LA, so none of that nonsense).  Even though we would miss it here sometimes I just think that health wise it might be a wise decision.  MH hates the winter.  He is very affected by it and his mood is much worse during the dark, cold months.  He despises shoveling and snow.  I don't mind it; in fact I even like it!  But I do admit that it gets old after a while and I think if we just made a point to come out at Christmas every year then we could get our time in the snow and cold and really appreciate it and then come home.  My mom is also a huge support for us and would absolutely die to have us live near her.  I have always thought of myself as so "east coast" but I don't really know if that's necessarily the healthiest thing for me in a lot of respects.  When I go to CA I'm always like "this shit is so slow!" but isn't that better really?  I mean, out here everyone is constantly in a rush and the stress is enough to make your head explode.

Don't get me wrong--again; I know there is no such thing as a life without stress.  I don't expect that we will go live on some tropical island and never have to work again and live life like every day is vacation (but wouldn't that be nice?).  If we could get jobs close to home and never have to worry about leaving the mountain then I wouldn't worry.  But it's not reality.  Since beginning this post MH got a new job that he is very excited about.  But still with the commute.  My job is absolutely ridiculous as far as stress is concerned.  I am looking into getting into a different line of work altogether.  I don't even know what I am doing.

But anyway, those are my thoughts for the day.  If we did move it wouldn't be for another year; maybe next summer.  I just need to see how things play out for us.

Aaaaaaand she lands........oof.

Well for those who have been following me I apologize for taking so long to write again.  For those who give no fucks, well here I am again.  Heeeeere's Cat!

So it happened.  I made it through to the last day of school.  It was pure torture.  On many levels. But more on that later.  On the last day of school I brought with me a suitcase and a bag.  When the clock struck one my cousin picked me up from school and took me directly to the airport where I boarded a plane that brought me to Minnesota.  The next day, first thing in the morning I saw my new doctor.  At the Mayo Clinic.

Yes friends, I finally made it to Mayo.  My mom met me there and spent the entire week there with me. I had all the tests and saw all the doctors.  This was unlike any experience I have ever had before.  First of all, I totally expected to be overwhelmed, stressed, confused and hurried which turned out to be anything BUT the case.  The Mayo Clinic was like a well oiled machine, with everything laid out in such an organized fashion that it was almost impossible to get lost.  There was no hurrying.  No stress.  No rushing.  It was so mellow.  There was live music in various areas in the buildings and everyone was so nice.  Although to be fair, I have heard that "Minnesota Niceness" is an actual thing.  But the best thing was that I felt so good about the quality of care that I received.  All these doctors worked together as a team to help me put all the pieces together.  My situation is multifaceted and complex but is ultimately manageable.

Basically what I have is a funtional GI disorder called "funtional dyspepsia".  I knew it was a functional problem; I had been saying it since the beginning.  I am not allergic to any foods, I don't have an autoimmune disease, I don't have leaky gut.  MY GUT IS NOT FUNCTIONING RIGHT!!!!!  Too many people scared the shit out of me forever, trying to tell me I had any number of issues until I finally had to just stop talking to people about it.  Which really sucks.  But I digress.........anyway functional dyspepsia is when your body is actually fine but thinks it isn't and starts acting like it has an ulcer and stuff.  It's likely a reaction to stress, and my surgery was a stressful "event" that happened in my body and it didn't get a chance to reprogram.  Anyway, I will spare you the details but basically I have to watch my breathing, eat smaller meals, chew my food really well, make sure I don't go too long without eating and I have to take this herbal supplement before I eat called Iberogast (yup, my GI prescribed me an herbal supplement).  And I have to go back on my depression medication.  The mind/gut connection is fierce in me, and I need to get my shit together.  So I'm taking small steps to get back on Lexapro and stay on it forever.  Through pregnancy, breastfeeding, everything.  No more being without serotonin.  Because it's just been so bad.  So hopefully I can start feeling better.

There it is!  It's crazy to think that everything is over and I no longer have to be a professional sick person.  No more running around to a million doctors or trying to figure out what's wrong.  It's over.

Mother's Day

Well, it is Mother's Day.  I honestly don't know how I feel or where I even belong.  I'm not necessarily infertile.......but I have not been pregnant yet.  We started trying almost two years ago.......but have not been able to try the whole time.  I want to try........but want to be healthy before we do again.  All of our one year testing came back fine (at one year and five months)........but we can't go any further than that until I am better or at least have answers as to what is wrong with me.

So fuck today.  I had a little breakdown today which I honestly wasn't excpecting.  I had dreams about Stanley last night and I woke up crying.  I cannot forgive myself for not giving him a proper burial/cremation.  He deserved better than just being thrown in with all the other animals and being scattered in some park.  I still miss him terribly.  I am terrified that I will never feel good again.  I know I need to stop, but I can't help feeling like going to Mayo in June is my last hope.  What if they can't help me?  What if they don't know anyone who can?  What if they just tell me this is the way it's going to be forever; that there's nothing that can be done?  What if they do something to screw me up even worse?  I just don't understand why all of this had to happen to me.  It has stolen the last two years of my life.  And to make matters worse I am going to be 35 in a week and a half.  Old.  Advanced maternal age.  And not even one child to show for it.  I am worried that my husband will always be miserable in his work.  I am worried that I will never find a job that is truly right for me, one that I'm not just settling for.  I want so badly to be able to go back on depression medication but I react so poorly to it now that I don't know if I can/should stand it.  Perhaps the side effects will dissipate if I give it two weeks?  I don't know.  And I have put on some weight so that my pants are fitting kind of tight.  Not good.  Why do things have to be so tough right now and when the fuck are they going to get better?  I feel like I need big changes.  I have no friends around me anymore.  I think people are tired of hearing about my problems.  I try really hard not to talk about it much, but when people ask how I am feeling what am I supposed to do?  Lie?  I try to just brush it off and say as little as I can.  I try to remain positive.  I think the bottom line is too that most people my age are busy with families that H and I don't have.

So honestly.....fuck everything right now.

The Drawing Board.......

I don't even know what the phrase "back to the drawing board" would even be for me right now.  I had to stop the Prozac after three days because it was giving me the same effects as the other meds.  Thumping, wracking heart beat, lightheadedness and weird eyesight things.  So I got some new stuff called supposedly "created for patients just like me".  Well today is day three and guess what?  Same thing.  I don't know what to do anymore.  Obviously I'm going to stop taking it, but I don't know where that leaves me.  What if I just can't tolerate meds anymore?  I'm just going to have to go back to the natural/herbal drawing board.  I just want to feel like my old self again, and I'm afraid I won't ever be able to because I respond so badly to meds.

On another note, my gastroenterologist is being really strange.  He usually gets back to me right away when I email him, but I emailed him on Sunday and again on Tuesday and then I called on Wednesday.   I still haven't heard back from him.  This is just very unusual and odd and I'm starting to worry.   What do you do when you are seeing one of the best doctors in all of New York City and they can't help you?  Where would you even go?  I am sure if he can't help me he will give me a referral.  At least that's what I hope.

I am losing hope a little more every day that we will be able to have a family.  I need this taken care of so we can start seeing the RE.  I don't even know what to do about anything anymore; it is so discouraging.  I mean, maybe with H's bipolar disorder and my depression/anxiety disorder it is best that we don't raise kids.  Maybe we are just not strong enough.  Maybe this is the universe telling us that we need to take care of each other and ourselves and that all we can really handle is cats.  I don't know.

I am freaking out about starting my new teaching job.  I have been shadowing the teacher I am replacing for the past two weeks and it seems like it will be good but a lot of work.  I am not afraid of doing a lot of work, but I feel so shitty that I am worried I won't do a good job.  I feel like I am caught between a rock and a hard place.  H has realized that as much as he would like (and I would like) for him to be able to quit his misery-making job after my benefits kick in in April that it would be very ill advised.  The reality is that we both have health conditions that require constant attention and we can't be without health insurance.  If I don't get a permanent postition for September then I will lost my insurance as of August 31st, and if he doesn't have a job with benefits then we are fucked.  I am glad he has come to this conclusion because I feel terrible since I was the one to suggest he quit in April.  I would love to see him leave this job but we are unfortunately once again stuck between that rock and hard place.

Things are tough.  They really are.  Last night I just cried and cried while listening to this song after dinner.  H hugged me and said this should be our mantra right now.   I am trying.  Truly I am.

I love this video because it is so real.  This is H and me right now.    

Back on meds

Well, I did it.  I went to my psychiatrist's office and got Prozac.  We'll see how it works out.  I'm mostly afraid it will give me terrible side effects.  Last year I tried going back on for a bit and Zoloft and even Lexapro which I took for eleven years gave me horrible racing heart beat.  It was awful.  I couldn't sleep and I felt like shit; it was wracking my whole body.  I just want this to work because I know that if and when the time comes and I need to make the choice I can stay on Prozac through pregnancy.  So we'll see what happens.  I am very hopeful but of course I still feel like shit (obviously).  I just don't want this to be my life anymore on any level.