Amazing.

It is amazing what you can accomplish when you are not depressed.  So in other words, it's amazing to realize how most regular people go about living their daily lives.  I came to this realization the other day that for the first time in two years I feel normal.  Yes, you heard me right--the meds are WORKING!!!  I am not depressed!!!!  My doctor at Mayo told me that my depression and anxiety were most likely even worse than I thought and that they were affecting my life much more than I even realized.  I heard her, but I didn't really think about it.  I mean, I have been dealing with this for fifteen years now, and I thought I knew everything.  I have been medicated since the age of 20, have been hospitalized twice, and have gone on and off meds three times before this fourth and final time two years ago.  But she was right; I didn't realize how much my mental illness was affecting every single aspect of my life.  I'll explain.


So, most people without actual mental illness feel depressed sometimes.  That's normal.  You might feel bummed about the weather.  Or maybe you just had a crappy day.  Or you're tired and don't want to do much.  You might end up thinking about family/friends/pets who passed away, or old girlfriends/boyfriends, shitty bosses, bad stuff you did........but when it comes down to it you can live your life like a functional person.  Someone with MDD (major depressive disorder) and/or GAD (generalized anxiety disorder, most frequently paired together but not always) doesn't.  Everything is a big deal; every day little things like tending the litter box or cooking dinner or taking the dog out or making the bed......those things can sometimes be so hard.  It's very serious, and I don't think it's taken seriously enough, because of the fact that most of us know someone (or someones) who has taken antidepressants at one point or another.  Some people had post-partum depression.  Some people needed extra help after their mom passed away, or to get through school, or whatever.  I'm not at all saying that these people shouldn't take meds; by all means if it helps them to feel good then they should do whatever is necessary.  My point is that most of the time those people do not not need to be on meds permanently; it is not a lifelong incurable illness they are dealing with.  People who do have mental illness are not taken seriously enough because most people don't understand it.  It's more than just feeling sad.  It's feeling hopeless, worthless, meaningless, devoid of self confidence, beyond reason, completely drained of energy and the capacity to deal with life.  It's a lifelong battle that will never fully come to an end.  For me, my house was always so dirty.  I felt worthless as a wife because how could I ever expect to have kids when I couldn't even clean up after my husband and myself and three cats?  I would tell myself I was going to clean the next day and then I would wake up and not do it.  I would watch TV for hours when my husband wasn't around, because what would I do instead?  Think about how shitty everything is and how I have no friends?  Who would want to listen to me anyway?

The last two years have been unfathomably difficult, and it started with me deciding to go off my meds in the summer of 2012 so we could start trying for a family.  Everything from that moment on just went downhill and kept on going down the deepest hole I could have ever imagined.  Between my pelvic pain, losing my job, my husband's misery at his own job, managing his bipolar disorder, having surgery, coming down with my stomach illness, losing our precious cat, not being medicated and doctors, doctors, doctors it has been almost unbearable at times.  I wished for my death every day.  I stopped caring.  If this was what life was like then what was the point?  Had I been medicated all of these things still would have happened, but my capacity to handle them wouldn't have been so compromised.

I am currently dealing with tapering off of Ativan which is incredibly difficult and sucks, but I know it's all for good reasons (cannot take it during pregnancy).  I am down to a quarter of a miligram this week and will take my last dose on Friday.  Then that's it.  It sucks because physiologically it makes me feel pretty crappy.  However on Monday I went to school to talk to my principal and do a few things to prepare for going back to school next week.  It was pretty mellow but I had a bad headache from the withdrawals.  When I got home I wanted to lay down and chill but I knew I had to change the litter box because it smelled really bad.  So I decided I would do that first so that I could really relax.  Then I decided I had done that I might as well vacuum.  Then I thought, well since I did that I might as well......and before I knew it I had had two productive hours that were not even that big a deal.  I stopped suddenly and realized....then meds are working.  I am starting to actually feel better.  I just know that once the effects of this shitty Ativan wear off everything will be different.  So much better.  I can't wait.