On a Related Note........

Now for the not so awesome stuff.  My meds are seriously screwing with me.  I haven't slept in two weeks.  Last night I only slept for two hours.  I finally had a nervous breakdown when my husband got up.  School starts in three weeks.  I can't go back feeling like this.  My heart pounds all day, my whole body is shaking, my head is foggy and dizzy and my eyes hurt and have a hard time focusing.  This is not right.  The RE told me that he does not want me taking Ativan during pregnancy but that he was fine with the Lexapro.  So I have not been taking the Ativan because I am afraid of getting addicted to it (it is a controlled substance and it is easy to get addicted--I have in the past because I took one each morning upon waking.  I managed to get off of it pretty easily but I was already taking my SSRIs for a long time at that point).  I cut my Lexapro dose in half because I felt it was too much and it was most definitely screwing with me way too much.  The problem is now I don't know what's happening--am I having withdrawals from that?  From the Ativan?  Do I have to just stop the Lexapro altogether?  I am beyond frustrated because I feel like no one can help me.  I just keep having bad reaction to antidepressants now--even after taking them for so many years!!  Honestly, the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life was to wean off of them.  My life has been hell ever since (for other reasons) and because of the fact that I've not been medicated I have not been coping with everything very well.  I had such high hopes after leaving Mayo and am literally devastated that the treatment plan is going like this.  I was doing great with the small increments until just over two weeks ago.  I am now going to look for a psychiatrist who specializes in reproductive psychiatry and can help me with treatment now, during and after pregnancy.  I am well aware that this all needs to be under control before I can start cycling with the RE so I am really hoping that we can figure something out.  Fuck.  It just never, ever stops or gets any easier, does it?.........
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So I just got back from seeing my psychiatric nurse practitioner and my therapist AND I also spoke on the phone with a psychiatric nurse at the Mayo Clinic.  I was completely freaking out when I wrote the first half of this post this morning, so I am a bit more stable now.  Everyone is in agreement that I am suffering from withdrawals, all of my own idiotic doing.  My doctor at Mayo told me to slowly raise my dosage of Lexapro by 5 mgs at a time which I had been doing.  But at 15 it started to get to be too much and by 20 (target dosage) it was ridiculous.  I couldn't handle it (even though that is the dose I took for ten years before stopping it in 2012).  So I called and she told me to take 15.  But I'm an asshole and thought "I felt best when I was at 10" so I decided I was going to do that.  Terrible.  Then I just abruptly stopped the Ativan even though I know that it is addictive as I mentioned before--but I didn't think about any of this.  I didn't think "I may just be having withdrawals" because I freaked out thinking that it was all affecting me the way everything else has this past year and I spiraled.  This is what happens.  So now I will stay on 10 mgs of Lexapro and hopefully continue on that permanently.  I will resume the Ativan for now and taper off once the Lexapro has taken full effect.  Now maybe I can get some goddamn sleep and stop trying to do everything myself.  I need to remember that these doctors all know what they are talking about.

The End.

The RE

Well, we saw the RE last Friday.  First of all I will say that I absolutely LOVE our doctor!  He was really kind and enthusiastic and very clear about all our treatment options.  He pretty much laid it all out on the table.  He said that he saw a very slightly low morph in the sperm count but that it was very common and we could very likely conceive on our own with it the way it is (though he did order a recheck).  So far that's all we have as far as possible issues.  We also did a lot more bloodwork as well as genetic testing.  But the doctor basically said we just need to decide if we're going to do IUI or go straight to IVF.  What?!  I was a little shocked; I don't know why, I mean after all we were at a fertility clinic.  I guess I just hadn't fully accepted the fact of us being "infertile" yet.

But we are.  So we are waiting on test results to decide what we are going to do.  Honestly, at first I was wanting to do 1-2 rounds of IUI but now I'm kind of leaning towards going straight to IVF.  I feel like because I am 35 and at this point will not be giving birth until I am 36 I would like to have frozen embryos so that I don't have to worry about when to try for #2.  But we have to see what insurance says too.  The good news is that whatever treatment we choose is all covered!  Depending on the test results though, they may make us do IUI before IVF since it is so much cheaper.  So we will see.  We also still have this month and next month to try on our own too, since I am in the 2WW right now and next month I will be doing cycle day bloods and all that fun stuff.  So I think I will feel a little better about moving forward with everything at that point if I am still not pregnant after that.

I am honestly thrilled about this though.  No matter what at this point, I now know that I will be having a baby at some point next year, whether we manage to get it done ourselves or if we need a little help from the doctors.  We will soon have a plan in place, have an amazing team with crazy high success rates and a really great doctor who makes us both feel very comfortable and who is available to us anytime we need to ask questions.  Awesome!

We're Going to the RE!

Well I finally decided that it was better to make an appointment while I am not in school yet just in case I have to do a lot of running around.  I want to take as little time off as possible in order to make sure that any sick time I have goes to future maternity leave if needed.  I figured it has certainly been plenty of time--that's 6 months with charting and temping and 10 months of unprotected sex.  I'm 35 now so the 6 months is enough.  I was going to wait until October to make the appointment but at this point I'm done.  I just want to see what they have to say.  MH was fighting me on it a little bit but my feeling is if they say they see nothing then I suppose we'll keep trying for another couple of months before we move on to treatment.  But what if they do find something?  At this point we don't have time to waste anymore.  My age is a huge factor and I DON'T want to just wait around without any knowledge anymore.  So we're going on Friday.  We have viewed the videos on their website and sent them all our medical history and filled out all the paperwork.  We're fucking going.  And I'm very excited!  I'm nervous--but excited.  I just want to have a plan at this point.

I am doing a little better health wise, but I'm having some trouble adjusting to my meds.  I was fine at 5 and 10 mgs but when I went up to 15 and now 20.....I'm having a hard time.  I am not sleeping--like, waking up every half hour not sleeping.  And also some other stuff.  I'm hoping it will pass, but I may have to scale back.  I'm going to contact my doctor.  I will of course share all of this with the RE and I realize that it's not ideal for me to be going through this while trying to get pregnant but I don't even care.  I know it will all get worked out soon.  I've felt worse than this and I've been through worse!  Again; no time to fucking waste anymore.  Time to get this show on the road!  MH starts his new job on August 25th, I go back to work September 2nd.  I'd like to have an idea of where I stand with meds and TTC by then.

Some words about destressing.........

So if you haven't read my last post(s) I have been sick for basically two years straight with crazy mystery illnesses that while very real were hugely exacerbated by stress.  Since I have come to the final realization that yes, I will need to take SSRIs for the rest of my life, I know that will be a huge thing that will help me feel better.  MH has bipolar disorder which is pretty well under control, but if you know anything about bipolar disorder, just like depression there are flareups.  They are more frequent and more serious than with regular depressive disorder, but we do okay.  Here's the kicker: in the past two years since I have been off my meds and I have been sick and had crazy shit happen with jobs and he hates his job and is dealing with his own mood disorder.........well shit, it has been SO HARD to try and hold each other up!  I mean damn near impossible.  The summer before I got sick (2012) we made a big move out of the metropolitan area into the mountains to try and find respite from the craziness down there.  We have been very happy with our move; we rented a little house on a lake.  Everything is quiet, people are nicer and the pace of life is real slow and pleasant.  The problem is that everyone up here pretty much commutes back down to the area we moved from because that's where the jobs are.  So we wake up super early, fight through the hour commute (sometimes more if there is an accident or if the traffic is really bad for some reason unbeknowst to anyone ever) and drag ourselves to jobs that are overly stressful.  Then we fight through the commute again.

Life is just crazy.  I know that there is no such thing as a life without stress.  I just think things in our society have gotten way out of control and there really feels like no way around it sometimes.  You have to work so much harder nowadays to make less money and everything is just so fucking expensive.  Especially where we live.  Plus everyone is competing for space in this congested area and people are pissed off and angry all the time.  We are trying to figure out what the best solution is.  While we truly do love it here and have friends and NYC and MH's family closeby, sometimes I think that it is not the healthiest thing for us to be living here.  Sometimes I think we would do a lot better living in, say California.  My mom lives there, so we would still have family.  But there would be fresh air and sunshine year round, warmer weather and fresh produce available year round.  Plus the lifestyle is so much more laid back (we would be moving about an hour and a half north of LA, so none of that nonsense).  Even though we would miss it here sometimes I just think that health wise it might be a wise decision.  MH hates the winter.  He is very affected by it and his mood is much worse during the dark, cold months.  He despises shoveling and snow.  I don't mind it; in fact I even like it!  But I do admit that it gets old after a while and I think if we just made a point to come out at Christmas every year then we could get our time in the snow and cold and really appreciate it and then come home.  My mom is also a huge support for us and would absolutely die to have us live near her.  I have always thought of myself as so "east coast" but I don't really know if that's necessarily the healthiest thing for me in a lot of respects.  When I go to CA I'm always like "this shit is so slow!" but isn't that better really?  I mean, out here everyone is constantly in a rush and the stress is enough to make your head explode.

Don't get me wrong--again; I know there is no such thing as a life without stress.  I don't expect that we will go live on some tropical island and never have to work again and live life like every day is vacation (but wouldn't that be nice?).  If we could get jobs close to home and never have to worry about leaving the mountain then I wouldn't worry.  But it's not reality.  Since beginning this post MH got a new job that he is very excited about.  But still with the commute.  My job is absolutely ridiculous as far as stress is concerned.  I am looking into getting into a different line of work altogether.  I don't even know what I am doing.

But anyway, those are my thoughts for the day.  If we did move it wouldn't be for another year; maybe next summer.  I just need to see how things play out for us.

Aaaaaaand she lands........oof.

Well for those who have been following me I apologize for taking so long to write again.  For those who give no fucks, well here I am again.  Heeeeere's Cat!

So it happened.  I made it through to the last day of school.  It was pure torture.  On many levels. But more on that later.  On the last day of school I brought with me a suitcase and a bag.  When the clock struck one my cousin picked me up from school and took me directly to the airport where I boarded a plane that brought me to Minnesota.  The next day, first thing in the morning I saw my new doctor.  At the Mayo Clinic.

Yes friends, I finally made it to Mayo.  My mom met me there and spent the entire week there with me. I had all the tests and saw all the doctors.  This was unlike any experience I have ever had before.  First of all, I totally expected to be overwhelmed, stressed, confused and hurried which turned out to be anything BUT the case.  The Mayo Clinic was like a well oiled machine, with everything laid out in such an organized fashion that it was almost impossible to get lost.  There was no hurrying.  No stress.  No rushing.  It was so mellow.  There was live music in various areas in the buildings and everyone was so nice.  Although to be fair, I have heard that "Minnesota Niceness" is an actual thing.  But the best thing was that I felt so good about the quality of care that I received.  All these doctors worked together as a team to help me put all the pieces together.  My situation is multifaceted and complex but is ultimately manageable.

Basically what I have is a funtional GI disorder called "funtional dyspepsia".  I knew it was a functional problem; I had been saying it since the beginning.  I am not allergic to any foods, I don't have an autoimmune disease, I don't have leaky gut.  MY GUT IS NOT FUNCTIONING RIGHT!!!!!  Too many people scared the shit out of me forever, trying to tell me I had any number of issues until I finally had to just stop talking to people about it.  Which really sucks.  But I digress.........anyway functional dyspepsia is when your body is actually fine but thinks it isn't and starts acting like it has an ulcer and stuff.  It's likely a reaction to stress, and my surgery was a stressful "event" that happened in my body and it didn't get a chance to reprogram.  Anyway, I will spare you the details but basically I have to watch my breathing, eat smaller meals, chew my food really well, make sure I don't go too long without eating and I have to take this herbal supplement before I eat called Iberogast (yup, my GI prescribed me an herbal supplement).  And I have to go back on my depression medication.  The mind/gut connection is fierce in me, and I need to get my shit together.  So I'm taking small steps to get back on Lexapro and stay on it forever.  Through pregnancy, breastfeeding, everything.  No more being without serotonin.  Because it's just been so bad.  So hopefully I can start feeling better.

There it is!  It's crazy to think that everything is over and I no longer have to be a professional sick person.  No more running around to a million doctors or trying to figure out what's wrong.  It's over.

Mother's Day

Well, it is Mother's Day.  I honestly don't know how I feel or where I even belong.  I'm not necessarily infertile.......but I have not been pregnant yet.  We started trying almost two years ago.......but have not been able to try the whole time.  I want to try........but want to be healthy before we do again.  All of our one year testing came back fine (at one year and five months)........but we can't go any further than that until I am better or at least have answers as to what is wrong with me.

So fuck today.  I had a little breakdown today which I honestly wasn't excpecting.  I had dreams about Stanley last night and I woke up crying.  I cannot forgive myself for not giving him a proper burial/cremation.  He deserved better than just being thrown in with all the other animals and being scattered in some park.  I still miss him terribly.  I am terrified that I will never feel good again.  I know I need to stop, but I can't help feeling like going to Mayo in June is my last hope.  What if they can't help me?  What if they don't know anyone who can?  What if they just tell me this is the way it's going to be forever; that there's nothing that can be done?  What if they do something to screw me up even worse?  I just don't understand why all of this had to happen to me.  It has stolen the last two years of my life.  And to make matters worse I am going to be 35 in a week and a half.  Old.  Advanced maternal age.  And not even one child to show for it.  I am worried that my husband will always be miserable in his work.  I am worried that I will never find a job that is truly right for me, one that I'm not just settling for.  I want so badly to be able to go back on depression medication but I react so poorly to it now that I don't know if I can/should stand it.  Perhaps the side effects will dissipate if I give it two weeks?  I don't know.  And I have put on some weight so that my pants are fitting kind of tight.  Not good.  Why do things have to be so tough right now and when the fuck are they going to get better?  I feel like I need big changes.  I have no friends around me anymore.  I think people are tired of hearing about my problems.  I try really hard not to talk about it much, but when people ask how I am feeling what am I supposed to do?  Lie?  I try to just brush it off and say as little as I can.  I try to remain positive.  I think the bottom line is too that most people my age are busy with families that H and I don't have.

So honestly.....fuck everything right now.

It's been a while.......

It's been too long since I've blogged.  I keep thinking about it, but then I forget or I realize that I have something better to do.  Or, if I'm being honest, I just haven't fucking felt like it considering I have nothing new to say.  But now I think maybe it's time to come back into the game.

Things are a little weird for me right now.  That's all I can say.  It's not all bad, some of it is really good.  But it's just......weird.  Different.  Almost like I can feel the tides changing.  Which is great because I reeeeeally need it.

My job is likely going to become permanent.  That's great; I just wish it were closer to being my dream job.  I know sometimes you have to "make" your dream job, as in I need to find ways to make it be better.  But I don't see that happening, since what I don't like about it is teaching pre-K-1.  2 is almost acceptable.  3 is okay but not my favorite.  4 is where the fun starts and for me continues up through 8 even though they are challenging.  Honestly I just don't really like teaching general music; I just want to teach choir and music history/music appreciation.  But this job is manageable for me and fun and I really like the faculty and adminsitration, plus the kids are nice and I could see myself feeing comfortable in the culture of the district.  It is very small.  So I like it, am glad it will become permanent and will be happy to go back next year but I will still be applying to things that come up that I feel I might like better or that are closer (right now I have about a 45-50 minute commute).

I have made an appointment to go to the Mayo clinic in Minnesota as soon as school gets out.  My NYC doctor is blowing me off and I've had it.  Mayo has the number one gastroenterology department in the country; I read an article in the fall that sounded like what I think I have where this girl had been to many doctors before the helped her at Mayo; I also know someone who went there when she had no luck with the doctors in her town and they helped her.  So I'm going.  Part of me feel like I might be jumping the gun a little considering that I live near NYC and so many hospitals and doctors, but I just don't know where else to go.  I went to a New Jersey doctor who was totally lame, then moved on to my current doctor who is at NYU Langone--like, where do you go from there???  Who can I look for that would have more knowledge than there?  I'm not doubting that someone exists, it's just that I don't know who they might be or where/how to find out.  I am fully 100% convinced at this point that this is muscular and somehow related to my surgery and I can't even get ahold of my doctor to discuss it with him.  I started these special stretching sessions to see if it would help and it made it worse within a week.  Do I know for certain that is why I got worse?  No.  But do I know for certain that is NOT why I got worse?  No.  Ergo Mayo.  Enough fucking around and taking shots in the dark.  Take me to the experts and let me get on with my life.

So that's where I am now.  H is miserable at his job but that isn't going to change for a little while.  But we're working on it.  Some new musical possibilities are on the horizon, but I'll save it for another post.