Transfer Day!

I am officially PUPO!  That's "pregnant unless proven otherwise" for those who might not know.  This day--it's been amazing.  Like a hazy dream.  We had to get up and go at 4am so I might not be making up the hazy part!  MH is normally a heavy sleeper who will sleep through anything and fall back asleep instantly if awakened, so it speaks volumes of our excitement level that we chattered away the whole hour car ride down to the clinic.  We even ended up with this super excited and happy nurse--you could tell she really loved her job the way she was so bubbly and kept saying "let's get you knocked up!"  It was great.  But when the doctor arrived it was even better.

He walked in and introduced himself (it was not my doctor on shift so I had never met this guy) and immediately said "You did very, very well!  You couldn't ask to do any better than this!"  No really, he said that!  Then he told us that we had a beautiful, perfect 6AA blastocyst--the highest grade embryo that you can possibly get!--and ten more to freeze!!!!!  I was so happy and relieved to hear that!  So I asked him if he thought it was okay to transfer just one.  His response was that when people are in this situation and their chances are this good he in fact encourages it.  So that's what we did--we confidently transferred just one precious little golden egg.  And I know he will make it!  We were so happy and relieved!  We received a picture of our perfect  little blast and it doesn't look perfect at all!  It's all funny shaped and lopsided, hahaha........but it's ours.  All ours.  I am convinced it's a boy, but MH thinks it's a girl.  So, we'll see!  But whoever is in there, go ahead and stick--we love you so very much already and can't wait to spend the next nine months growing you and singing to you!!

And The Fertilization Results Are In!

So after that epic egg laying on Wednesday I went back to work on Thursday.  Ugh--I felt like such shit.  I was exhausted, bloated and sore.  But I knew I couldn't call out for another day so off to work I went.  I was so anxious to get the call and really afraid that they would call when I was teaching and that I wouldn't be able to get back in touch with them.  (Yes, my mind of course always runs off to the worst case scenario.)  So as soon as lunchtime came I practically sprinted upstairs and lunged at my phone.  Sure enough, there was the number as a missed call and a voicemail to call back.  My hands were shaking as I dialed.  But I needn't have worried.....it was all good news!

22 eggs.  18 were mature.  And 16 fertilized.  16!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  H and I have 16 embabies growing in that lab right now as I type this!!!!!!  I still can't believe it.  I started jumping up and down for joy.  This whole experience, I thought, could not have been smoother.  I could not have asked for a better experience than this.  I am so, so excited (and a little nervous) to hear how they do.  I know not all of them will make it, but I am just praying that some reach the blastocyst stage by Monday so we can proceed with our Tuesday transfer and have some to freeze.  Of course as far as frosties are concerned they can continue maturing them for another few days if they need to; but for a fresh transfer they have to have matured enough by then, otherwise we'll have to wait and I really don't want to do that.  I want this due date.  I want my baby now.  We have waited for two years.  Please.

So that is all good AMAZING news.  I could not be happier.  The shitty thing is that I'm feeling shitty now.  The nurse asked me about certain symptoms and wanted me to go back to the RE yesterday morning to get checked for OHSS (ovarian hyperstimualation syndrome).  I checked out fine but I think it's the meds that are making me feel this way.  I am taking Medrol which is a steroid and it gave me straight up roid rage with my students yesterday (hahaha!).  It also makes my heart pound and makes me nervous shaky and feels like there is an elephant sitting on my chest.  Thank goodness it's only for three more days.  I can handle that, even if it does suck a lot.  Also taking the antibiotics make me feel awful too.  Bloated (yay--like I need more of that right now) and gross and terrified of a yeast infection.  I am doing everything in my power to try and avoid it.  I am not eating any sugar or refined carbs and no breads.  I am taking herbs (only ones I know are safe for pregnancy and won't interfere with my treatments at all) and apple cider vinegar and heavy duty probiotics and I am eating yogurt, something I normally don't really do a lot of.  But I'm not taking any chances.  I just got over a month long resistant yeast infection.  No fucking thank you.  However, I am also taking Endometrin, a progesterone suppository three times a day.  It's awful.  It's giving me a headache, I'm cranky and tired and I have cottage cheese drainage allll day long.  I have to change my pantiliner a couple times during the day.  I cannot have sex like this.  And the worst part is that it burns.  With my history of pelvic pain I cannot have that.  It will make me think I am getting a yeast infection all the time (like right now--I'm going crazy!  Is this the start of that looming yeast infection or is it just the Endometrin??) and will give me--is giving me--too much anxiety.  I would rather have the shots and have a bit of a sore ass.  If this were going to be short like the steroids then fine, but this is going to have to be for a long time, even after I am pregnant.  So I think I am going to talk to my nurse on Monday and see if I can switch to the shots.  

Anyway, so see?  It can't all be peaches and cream!  But it can be close.  It will all be worth it when I see those beautiful lines.  Until then I am crossing my fingers that we get some good news on Monday. I know we will though.  I just know it.  I feel it.  

Retrieval Day!!!

Well today was retrieval day yo!  So much.......so much in the past couple of days!

So Monday night and yesterday morning I triggered.  The night one was easy of course, but the Tuesday morning not so much.  My time to do it was 10:20 so it was right in the middle of one of my classes.  Very inconvenient.  At least if it had been at 10 or 10:30 I could have just gone to the bathroom real quick before class started!  I ended up going into work and complaining that I wasn't feeling well.  Then at 10:20 I stood up very quickly and acted like I had to throw up.  I ran to the bathroom and grabbed the shot out of the fridge on the way.  Ha!  Easy enough and also it set the stage for me calling out today.

So that went well, but all in all yesterday was kind of rough for me.  All the doubts and fears started creeping in, when this whole time I had been feeling pretty optimistic.  At my morning monitoring appointment my doctor told me I had about ten eggs, maybe a couple more.  I was very disappointed to hear that even though he said it was a decent amount.  I just knew that meant our chances for having anything left to freeze were greatly reduced if we only had ten.  I also discussed transferring one or two embryos with him.  MH and I were dead set on doing one at first, then we changed our minds and decided to go with two.  After talking to the doctor I am all confused again.  Our clinic has excellent success rates; some of the highest in the nation.  But I still just don't know what to do.  I want it to work.  I don't want twins.  But I would take twins over none or over having to wait another month and go through more treatments.  We decided to wait until we hear about how the quality of the embryos is before making a decision.  So I started to get very sad and all..........

EXCEPT THEY GOT 22 EGGS!!!11!!111!!!1!!!1!  When they told me I started crying.  I was so happy.  When we arrived they separated MH and I so he could do his thing and they could prep me in the retrieval room.  H came down to the room to wait with me until I went in.  The procedure wasn't that bad at all.  I was under anesthesia so I didn't care.  But I will say this: it was the first time in my life that I woke up from anesthesia and didn't cry.  I just felt tired.  But then they came in and told me they got 22 eggs and that did it--I sobbed.  In a good way!

I'm really crampy but so happy and optimistic.  I feel so much better now that I know our chances will be really good.  It's crazy to think that over there they have little pieces of MH and me that have actually come together.  Hopefully they will thrive.  I have great faith that they will.

It's IVF!!

Soooo I can't even believe it has taken me this long to write this post.  I keep thinking about it but never getting around to it because so much is happening!!  It's been like a blur.  So here are my meds:

 
Along with a summer squash in the corner.  Because you know; everyone needs a squash when they do IVF injections.  Annnnnyway, everything has been happening right on schedule, better than I could have ever even anticipated.  We decided to skip the IUIs and go straight for IVF.  Insurance covered it 100%!!!  Turns out we are dealing with MFI after all (very low morph) so especially with my age (35) it just didn't make any sense for us to waste anymore time.  I am just so ready.  So I started Estrace pills (estrogen) in August and took them until I got my period on September 13th (but seriously, WTF though?!?!  that shit gave me the worst period evarrrrrr!!!).  I was thrilled that my period came early; I was so afraid it was going to end up being a long drawn out cycle just because that's how luck would have it.  But good old AF knew what was good for her and showed up on CD25 at which point I stopped the Estrace and went in for monitoring.  I started injections on CD3, which I am making MH give me.  I told him we were making this baby together goddammit, even if it was ultimately in a science lab!!!!  I had purchased two bags of chocolate chips about six weeks ago and was saving them for our two weeks of meds.  I figured it would be our reward for getting through it.  I was seriously terrified of how the meds would affect me mentally; I have had a history of going completely BSC on BCPs.  After everything I have been through with my mental health I just really didn't want anything to screw up how amazingly good I have been feeling.  (By the way, it's worth mentioning that I got through those shitty Ativan withdrawals finally and came out on the other side!  It was so hard and such an awful bitch, but I am now feeling the best I have felt in years; since even before I went off my meds in 2012!!!)  So last week I made our first batch of cookies--I jokingly called them "fertility cookies"--and crossed my fingers as we took the plunge:

Now, I swear to you, I have just had a really good feeling about this since the beginning.  Like, really good.  I just feel like......I know it's going to work.  I know our baby (or babies--!!) will come to us.  So, I'm kind of starting to get suspicious now.  It all started with getting a blessedly short cycle.  Then......dude: the meds have not affected me at all.  Like, not even a little bit!  okay, well maybe a little, but only in the sense that I have been getting teary eyed and sentimental but like, who cares about that, right?  Oh, and also HOLY EWCM.  Ummmm......DUDE.  But yeah, other than that it's been really smooth sailing!  And the best news is......I GET TO TRIGGER TOMORROW!!!  I was told it would be 9-13 days and--yup, you guessed it--tomorrow is day nine!  The shortest possible time!  My retrieval will be on Wednesday.  I am so fucking excited.  And also.....suspicious that this is all going a little too well.  I mean, this will even put me at an ideal EDD as a teacher and for having a kid's birthday.................But I am pushing that out of my mind as best I can and remaining positive.  I just feel it.  It's happening.  Everything is happening..................  

    

Amazing.

It is amazing what you can accomplish when you are not depressed.  So in other words, it's amazing to realize how most regular people go about living their daily lives.  I came to this realization the other day that for the first time in two years I feel normal.  Yes, you heard me right--the meds are WORKING!!!  I am not depressed!!!!  My doctor at Mayo told me that my depression and anxiety were most likely even worse than I thought and that they were affecting my life much more than I even realized.  I heard her, but I didn't really think about it.  I mean, I have been dealing with this for fifteen years now, and I thought I knew everything.  I have been medicated since the age of 20, have been hospitalized twice, and have gone on and off meds three times before this fourth and final time two years ago.  But she was right; I didn't realize how much my mental illness was affecting every single aspect of my life.  I'll explain.


So, most people without actual mental illness feel depressed sometimes.  That's normal.  You might feel bummed about the weather.  Or maybe you just had a crappy day.  Or you're tired and don't want to do much.  You might end up thinking about family/friends/pets who passed away, or old girlfriends/boyfriends, shitty bosses, bad stuff you did........but when it comes down to it you can live your life like a functional person.  Someone with MDD (major depressive disorder) and/or GAD (generalized anxiety disorder, most frequently paired together but not always) doesn't.  Everything is a big deal; every day little things like tending the litter box or cooking dinner or taking the dog out or making the bed......those things can sometimes be so hard.  It's very serious, and I don't think it's taken seriously enough, because of the fact that most of us know someone (or someones) who has taken antidepressants at one point or another.  Some people had post-partum depression.  Some people needed extra help after their mom passed away, or to get through school, or whatever.  I'm not at all saying that these people shouldn't take meds; by all means if it helps them to feel good then they should do whatever is necessary.  My point is that most of the time those people do not not need to be on meds permanently; it is not a lifelong incurable illness they are dealing with.  People who do have mental illness are not taken seriously enough because most people don't understand it.  It's more than just feeling sad.  It's feeling hopeless, worthless, meaningless, devoid of self confidence, beyond reason, completely drained of energy and the capacity to deal with life.  It's a lifelong battle that will never fully come to an end.  For me, my house was always so dirty.  I felt worthless as a wife because how could I ever expect to have kids when I couldn't even clean up after my husband and myself and three cats?  I would tell myself I was going to clean the next day and then I would wake up and not do it.  I would watch TV for hours when my husband wasn't around, because what would I do instead?  Think about how shitty everything is and how I have no friends?  Who would want to listen to me anyway?

The last two years have been unfathomably difficult, and it started with me deciding to go off my meds in the summer of 2012 so we could start trying for a family.  Everything from that moment on just went downhill and kept on going down the deepest hole I could have ever imagined.  Between my pelvic pain, losing my job, my husband's misery at his own job, managing his bipolar disorder, having surgery, coming down with my stomach illness, losing our precious cat, not being medicated and doctors, doctors, doctors it has been almost unbearable at times.  I wished for my death every day.  I stopped caring.  If this was what life was like then what was the point?  Had I been medicated all of these things still would have happened, but my capacity to handle them wouldn't have been so compromised.

I am currently dealing with tapering off of Ativan which is incredibly difficult and sucks, but I know it's all for good reasons (cannot take it during pregnancy).  I am down to a quarter of a miligram this week and will take my last dose on Friday.  Then that's it.  It sucks because physiologically it makes me feel pretty crappy.  However on Monday I went to school to talk to my principal and do a few things to prepare for going back to school next week.  It was pretty mellow but I had a bad headache from the withdrawals.  When I got home I wanted to lay down and chill but I knew I had to change the litter box because it smelled really bad.  So I decided I would do that first so that I could really relax.  Then I decided I had done that I might as well vacuum.  Then I thought, well since I did that I might as well......and before I knew it I had had two productive hours that were not even that big a deal.  I stopped suddenly and realized....then meds are working.  I am starting to actually feel better.  I just know that once the effects of this shitty Ativan wear off everything will be different.  So much better.  I can't wait.

I'm Cycling Next Month!!!!

I'm so fucking excited!!!  I spoke to my nurse at the RE's today and she told me that we will most likely start cycling before my next period!  That's one month sooner than I thought we would be cycling and puts me in a perfect spot for where I want to be birth month-wise (so psyched it just happened to work out that way).  I'm praying that this will all work out and that it will give me a take home baby.  We are so ready (well, as ready as we'll ever be; is anyone ever really truly ready?) to be parents.  

My meds are worked out for now.  One good thing that came out of that horrible experience two weeks ago (see my last post) is that I was able to cut my Ativan dose in half since I had already gone through all the withdrawals.  I will have to cut it out completely before I start cycling but that shouldn't be too hard since it is only half a miligram at this point.  I will cut it in half next week and then cut it out altogether.  I am taking ten miligrams of Lexapro and will continue on with that permanently.  I am going to see my psychiatrist next week to get clearance from her for my RE.  They want a letter stating what my treatment will be during my pregnancy.  I will keep close contact with her so that if my dosage needs to be upped at all we can do that.  I hope the appointment goes well; I think it should.

Next Friday I am getting a saline sonogram as well as all the results from our genetic counselor.  We will also have all of our other test results back by then.  So far, I think we are looking at slight MFI (low morph) but considering that they have said people can often get pregnant naturally with that I am feeling a diagnosis of "unexplained infertility" in our future.  But I guess we will see and know by next Friday!!!!  Then we will also get to determine whether we are going to go with IUI or IVF.  Honestly, I'm hoping for IVF.  I want the embryos for the future so that we don't have to go through this shit again when we want to try for a second child, especially considering my age.  

This is all very exciting.  I think, for the first time in two years, things are finally starting to look up for us, at least a little bit.  I don't want to jinx anything, and I'm sure it won't be the last time we experience hard times, but I have to say that these past two years very nearly broke us (as people, not our marriage--that's now stronger than ever).  I feel like if I can live through all of that then I can live through anything.

On a Related Note........

Now for the not so awesome stuff.  My meds are seriously screwing with me.  I haven't slept in two weeks.  Last night I only slept for two hours.  I finally had a nervous breakdown when my husband got up.  School starts in three weeks.  I can't go back feeling like this.  My heart pounds all day, my whole body is shaking, my head is foggy and dizzy and my eyes hurt and have a hard time focusing.  This is not right.  The RE told me that he does not want me taking Ativan during pregnancy but that he was fine with the Lexapro.  So I have not been taking the Ativan because I am afraid of getting addicted to it (it is a controlled substance and it is easy to get addicted--I have in the past because I took one each morning upon waking.  I managed to get off of it pretty easily but I was already taking my SSRIs for a long time at that point).  I cut my Lexapro dose in half because I felt it was too much and it was most definitely screwing with me way too much.  The problem is now I don't know what's happening--am I having withdrawals from that?  From the Ativan?  Do I have to just stop the Lexapro altogether?  I am beyond frustrated because I feel like no one can help me.  I just keep having bad reaction to antidepressants now--even after taking them for so many years!!  Honestly, the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life was to wean off of them.  My life has been hell ever since (for other reasons) and because of the fact that I've not been medicated I have not been coping with everything very well.  I had such high hopes after leaving Mayo and am literally devastated that the treatment plan is going like this.  I was doing great with the small increments until just over two weeks ago.  I am now going to look for a psychiatrist who specializes in reproductive psychiatry and can help me with treatment now, during and after pregnancy.  I am well aware that this all needs to be under control before I can start cycling with the RE so I am really hoping that we can figure something out.  Fuck.  It just never, ever stops or gets any easier, does it?.........
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So I just got back from seeing my psychiatric nurse practitioner and my therapist AND I also spoke on the phone with a psychiatric nurse at the Mayo Clinic.  I was completely freaking out when I wrote the first half of this post this morning, so I am a bit more stable now.  Everyone is in agreement that I am suffering from withdrawals, all of my own idiotic doing.  My doctor at Mayo told me to slowly raise my dosage of Lexapro by 5 mgs at a time which I had been doing.  But at 15 it started to get to be too much and by 20 (target dosage) it was ridiculous.  I couldn't handle it (even though that is the dose I took for ten years before stopping it in 2012).  So I called and she told me to take 15.  But I'm an asshole and thought "I felt best when I was at 10" so I decided I was going to do that.  Terrible.  Then I just abruptly stopped the Ativan even though I know that it is addictive as I mentioned before--but I didn't think about any of this.  I didn't think "I may just be having withdrawals" because I freaked out thinking that it was all affecting me the way everything else has this past year and I spiraled.  This is what happens.  So now I will stay on 10 mgs of Lexapro and hopefully continue on that permanently.  I will resume the Ativan for now and taper off once the Lexapro has taken full effect.  Now maybe I can get some goddamn sleep and stop trying to do everything myself.  I need to remember that these doctors all know what they are talking about.

The End.