Well, it is Mother's Day. I honestly don't know how I feel or where I even belong. I'm not necessarily infertile.......but I have not been pregnant yet. We started trying almost two years ago.......but have not been able to try the whole time. I want to try........but want to be healthy before we do again. All of our one year testing came back fine (at one year and five months)........but we can't go any further than that until I am better or at least have answers as to what is wrong with me.
So fuck today. I had a little breakdown today which I honestly wasn't excpecting. I had dreams about Stanley last night and I woke up crying. I cannot forgive myself for not giving him a proper burial/cremation. He deserved better than just being thrown in with all the other animals and being scattered in some park. I still miss him terribly. I am terrified that I will never feel good again. I know I need to stop, but I can't help feeling like going to Mayo in June is my last hope. What if they can't help me? What if they don't know anyone who can? What if they just tell me this is the way it's going to be forever; that there's nothing that can be done? What if they do something to screw me up even worse? I just don't understand why all of this had to happen to me. It has stolen the last two years of my life. And to make matters worse I am going to be 35 in a week and a half. Old. Advanced maternal age. And not even one child to show for it. I am worried that my husband will always be miserable in his work. I am worried that I will never find a job that is truly right for me, one that I'm not just settling for. I want so badly to be able to go back on depression medication but I react so poorly to it now that I don't know if I can/should stand it. Perhaps the side effects will dissipate if I give it two weeks? I don't know. And I have put on some weight so that my pants are fitting kind of tight. Not good. Why do things have to be so tough right now and when the fuck are they going to get better? I feel like I need big changes. I have no friends around me anymore. I think people are tired of hearing about my problems. I try really hard not to talk about it much, but when people ask how I am feeling what am I supposed to do? Lie? I try to just brush it off and say as little as I can. I try to remain positive. I think the bottom line is too that most people my age are busy with families that H and I don't have.
So honestly.....fuck everything right now.
Sunday, May 11, 2014
Saturday, May 3, 2014
It's been a while.......
It's been too long since I've blogged. I keep thinking about it, but then I forget or I realize that I have something better to do. Or, if I'm being honest, I just haven't fucking felt like it considering I have nothing new to say. But now I think maybe it's time to come back into the game.
Things are a little weird for me right now. That's all I can say. It's not all bad, some of it is really good. But it's just......weird. Different. Almost like I can feel the tides changing. Which is great because I reeeeeally need it.
My job is likely going to become permanent. That's great; I just wish it were closer to being my dream job. I know sometimes you have to "make" your dream job, as in I need to find ways to make it be better. But I don't see that happening, since what I don't like about it is teaching pre-K-1. 2 is almost acceptable. 3 is okay but not my favorite. 4 is where the fun starts and for me continues up through 8 even though they are challenging. Honestly I just don't really like teaching general music; I just want to teach choir and music history/music appreciation. But this job is manageable for me and fun and I really like the faculty and adminsitration, plus the kids are nice and I could see myself feeing comfortable in the culture of the district. It is very small. So I like it, am glad it will become permanent and will be happy to go back next year but I will still be applying to things that come up that I feel I might like better or that are closer (right now I have about a 45-50 minute commute).
I have made an appointment to go to the Mayo clinic in Minnesota as soon as school gets out. My NYC doctor is blowing me off and I've had it. Mayo has the number one gastroenterology department in the country; I read an article in the fall that sounded like what I think I have where this girl had been to many doctors before the helped her at Mayo; I also know someone who went there when she had no luck with the doctors in her town and they helped her. So I'm going. Part of me feel like I might be jumping the gun a little considering that I live near NYC and so many hospitals and doctors, but I just don't know where else to go. I went to a New Jersey doctor who was totally lame, then moved on to my current doctor who is at NYU Langone--like, where do you go from there??? Who can I look for that would have more knowledge than there? I'm not doubting that someone exists, it's just that I don't know who they might be or where/how to find out. I am fully 100% convinced at this point that this is muscular and somehow related to my surgery and I can't even get ahold of my doctor to discuss it with him. I started these special stretching sessions to see if it would help and it made it worse within a week. Do I know for certain that is why I got worse? No. But do I know for certain that is NOT why I got worse? No. Ergo Mayo. Enough fucking around and taking shots in the dark. Take me to the experts and let me get on with my life.
So that's where I am now. H is miserable at his job but that isn't going to change for a little while. But we're working on it. Some new musical possibilities are on the horizon, but I'll save it for another post.
Things are a little weird for me right now. That's all I can say. It's not all bad, some of it is really good. But it's just......weird. Different. Almost like I can feel the tides changing. Which is great because I reeeeeally need it.
My job is likely going to become permanent. That's great; I just wish it were closer to being my dream job. I know sometimes you have to "make" your dream job, as in I need to find ways to make it be better. But I don't see that happening, since what I don't like about it is teaching pre-K-1. 2 is almost acceptable. 3 is okay but not my favorite. 4 is where the fun starts and for me continues up through 8 even though they are challenging. Honestly I just don't really like teaching general music; I just want to teach choir and music history/music appreciation. But this job is manageable for me and fun and I really like the faculty and adminsitration, plus the kids are nice and I could see myself feeing comfortable in the culture of the district. It is very small. So I like it, am glad it will become permanent and will be happy to go back next year but I will still be applying to things that come up that I feel I might like better or that are closer (right now I have about a 45-50 minute commute).
I have made an appointment to go to the Mayo clinic in Minnesota as soon as school gets out. My NYC doctor is blowing me off and I've had it. Mayo has the number one gastroenterology department in the country; I read an article in the fall that sounded like what I think I have where this girl had been to many doctors before the helped her at Mayo; I also know someone who went there when she had no luck with the doctors in her town and they helped her. So I'm going. Part of me feel like I might be jumping the gun a little considering that I live near NYC and so many hospitals and doctors, but I just don't know where else to go. I went to a New Jersey doctor who was totally lame, then moved on to my current doctor who is at NYU Langone--like, where do you go from there??? Who can I look for that would have more knowledge than there? I'm not doubting that someone exists, it's just that I don't know who they might be or where/how to find out. I am fully 100% convinced at this point that this is muscular and somehow related to my surgery and I can't even get ahold of my doctor to discuss it with him. I started these special stretching sessions to see if it would help and it made it worse within a week. Do I know for certain that is why I got worse? No. But do I know for certain that is NOT why I got worse? No. Ergo Mayo. Enough fucking around and taking shots in the dark. Take me to the experts and let me get on with my life.
So that's where I am now. H is miserable at his job but that isn't going to change for a little while. But we're working on it. Some new musical possibilities are on the horizon, but I'll save it for another post.
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