It's IVF!!

Soooo I can't even believe it has taken me this long to write this post.  I keep thinking about it but never getting around to it because so much is happening!!  It's been like a blur.  So here are my meds:

 
Along with a summer squash in the corner.  Because you know; everyone needs a squash when they do IVF injections.  Annnnnyway, everything has been happening right on schedule, better than I could have ever even anticipated.  We decided to skip the IUIs and go straight for IVF.  Insurance covered it 100%!!!  Turns out we are dealing with MFI after all (very low morph) so especially with my age (35) it just didn't make any sense for us to waste anymore time.  I am just so ready.  So I started Estrace pills (estrogen) in August and took them until I got my period on September 13th (but seriously, WTF though?!?!  that shit gave me the worst period evarrrrrr!!!).  I was thrilled that my period came early; I was so afraid it was going to end up being a long drawn out cycle just because that's how luck would have it.  But good old AF knew what was good for her and showed up on CD25 at which point I stopped the Estrace and went in for monitoring.  I started injections on CD3, which I am making MH give me.  I told him we were making this baby together goddammit, even if it was ultimately in a science lab!!!!  I had purchased two bags of chocolate chips about six weeks ago and was saving them for our two weeks of meds.  I figured it would be our reward for getting through it.  I was seriously terrified of how the meds would affect me mentally; I have had a history of going completely BSC on BCPs.  After everything I have been through with my mental health I just really didn't want anything to screw up how amazingly good I have been feeling.  (By the way, it's worth mentioning that I got through those shitty Ativan withdrawals finally and came out on the other side!  It was so hard and such an awful bitch, but I am now feeling the best I have felt in years; since even before I went off my meds in 2012!!!)  So last week I made our first batch of cookies--I jokingly called them "fertility cookies"--and crossed my fingers as we took the plunge:

Now, I swear to you, I have just had a really good feeling about this since the beginning.  Like, really good.  I just feel like......I know it's going to work.  I know our baby (or babies--!!) will come to us.  So, I'm kind of starting to get suspicious now.  It all started with getting a blessedly short cycle.  Then......dude: the meds have not affected me at all.  Like, not even a little bit!  okay, well maybe a little, but only in the sense that I have been getting teary eyed and sentimental but like, who cares about that, right?  Oh, and also HOLY EWCM.  Ummmm......DUDE.  But yeah, other than that it's been really smooth sailing!  And the best news is......I GET TO TRIGGER TOMORROW!!!  I was told it would be 9-13 days and--yup, you guessed it--tomorrow is day nine!  The shortest possible time!  My retrieval will be on Wednesday.  I am so fucking excited.  And also.....suspicious that this is all going a little too well.  I mean, this will even put me at an ideal EDD as a teacher and for having a kid's birthday.................But I am pushing that out of my mind as best I can and remaining positive.  I just feel it.  It's happening.  Everything is happening..................  

    

Amazing.

It is amazing what you can accomplish when you are not depressed.  So in other words, it's amazing to realize how most regular people go about living their daily lives.  I came to this realization the other day that for the first time in two years I feel normal.  Yes, you heard me right--the meds are WORKING!!!  I am not depressed!!!!  My doctor at Mayo told me that my depression and anxiety were most likely even worse than I thought and that they were affecting my life much more than I even realized.  I heard her, but I didn't really think about it.  I mean, I have been dealing with this for fifteen years now, and I thought I knew everything.  I have been medicated since the age of 20, have been hospitalized twice, and have gone on and off meds three times before this fourth and final time two years ago.  But she was right; I didn't realize how much my mental illness was affecting every single aspect of my life.  I'll explain.


So, most people without actual mental illness feel depressed sometimes.  That's normal.  You might feel bummed about the weather.  Or maybe you just had a crappy day.  Or you're tired and don't want to do much.  You might end up thinking about family/friends/pets who passed away, or old girlfriends/boyfriends, shitty bosses, bad stuff you did........but when it comes down to it you can live your life like a functional person.  Someone with MDD (major depressive disorder) and/or GAD (generalized anxiety disorder, most frequently paired together but not always) doesn't.  Everything is a big deal; every day little things like tending the litter box or cooking dinner or taking the dog out or making the bed......those things can sometimes be so hard.  It's very serious, and I don't think it's taken seriously enough, because of the fact that most of us know someone (or someones) who has taken antidepressants at one point or another.  Some people had post-partum depression.  Some people needed extra help after their mom passed away, or to get through school, or whatever.  I'm not at all saying that these people shouldn't take meds; by all means if it helps them to feel good then they should do whatever is necessary.  My point is that most of the time those people do not not need to be on meds permanently; it is not a lifelong incurable illness they are dealing with.  People who do have mental illness are not taken seriously enough because most people don't understand it.  It's more than just feeling sad.  It's feeling hopeless, worthless, meaningless, devoid of self confidence, beyond reason, completely drained of energy and the capacity to deal with life.  It's a lifelong battle that will never fully come to an end.  For me, my house was always so dirty.  I felt worthless as a wife because how could I ever expect to have kids when I couldn't even clean up after my husband and myself and three cats?  I would tell myself I was going to clean the next day and then I would wake up and not do it.  I would watch TV for hours when my husband wasn't around, because what would I do instead?  Think about how shitty everything is and how I have no friends?  Who would want to listen to me anyway?

The last two years have been unfathomably difficult, and it started with me deciding to go off my meds in the summer of 2012 so we could start trying for a family.  Everything from that moment on just went downhill and kept on going down the deepest hole I could have ever imagined.  Between my pelvic pain, losing my job, my husband's misery at his own job, managing his bipolar disorder, having surgery, coming down with my stomach illness, losing our precious cat, not being medicated and doctors, doctors, doctors it has been almost unbearable at times.  I wished for my death every day.  I stopped caring.  If this was what life was like then what was the point?  Had I been medicated all of these things still would have happened, but my capacity to handle them wouldn't have been so compromised.

I am currently dealing with tapering off of Ativan which is incredibly difficult and sucks, but I know it's all for good reasons (cannot take it during pregnancy).  I am down to a quarter of a miligram this week and will take my last dose on Friday.  Then that's it.  It sucks because physiologically it makes me feel pretty crappy.  However on Monday I went to school to talk to my principal and do a few things to prepare for going back to school next week.  It was pretty mellow but I had a bad headache from the withdrawals.  When I got home I wanted to lay down and chill but I knew I had to change the litter box because it smelled really bad.  So I decided I would do that first so that I could really relax.  Then I decided I had done that I might as well vacuum.  Then I thought, well since I did that I might as well......and before I knew it I had had two productive hours that were not even that big a deal.  I stopped suddenly and realized....then meds are working.  I am starting to actually feel better.  I just know that once the effects of this shitty Ativan wear off everything will be different.  So much better.  I can't wait.

Aaaaaaand she lands........oof.

Well for those who have been following me I apologize for taking so long to write again.  For those who give no fucks, well here I am again.  Heeeeere's Cat!

So it happened.  I made it through to the last day of school.  It was pure torture.  On many levels. But more on that later.  On the last day of school I brought with me a suitcase and a bag.  When the clock struck one my cousin picked me up from school and took me directly to the airport where I boarded a plane that brought me to Minnesota.  The next day, first thing in the morning I saw my new doctor.  At the Mayo Clinic.

Yes friends, I finally made it to Mayo.  My mom met me there and spent the entire week there with me. I had all the tests and saw all the doctors.  This was unlike any experience I have ever had before.  First of all, I totally expected to be overwhelmed, stressed, confused and hurried which turned out to be anything BUT the case.  The Mayo Clinic was like a well oiled machine, with everything laid out in such an organized fashion that it was almost impossible to get lost.  There was no hurrying.  No stress.  No rushing.  It was so mellow.  There was live music in various areas in the buildings and everyone was so nice.  Although to be fair, I have heard that "Minnesota Niceness" is an actual thing.  But the best thing was that I felt so good about the quality of care that I received.  All these doctors worked together as a team to help me put all the pieces together.  My situation is multifaceted and complex but is ultimately manageable.

Basically what I have is a funtional GI disorder called "funtional dyspepsia".  I knew it was a functional problem; I had been saying it since the beginning.  I am not allergic to any foods, I don't have an autoimmune disease, I don't have leaky gut.  MY GUT IS NOT FUNCTIONING RIGHT!!!!!  Too many people scared the shit out of me forever, trying to tell me I had any number of issues until I finally had to just stop talking to people about it.  Which really sucks.  But I digress.........anyway functional dyspepsia is when your body is actually fine but thinks it isn't and starts acting like it has an ulcer and stuff.  It's likely a reaction to stress, and my surgery was a stressful "event" that happened in my body and it didn't get a chance to reprogram.  Anyway, I will spare you the details but basically I have to watch my breathing, eat smaller meals, chew my food really well, make sure I don't go too long without eating and I have to take this herbal supplement before I eat called Iberogast (yup, my GI prescribed me an herbal supplement).  And I have to go back on my depression medication.  The mind/gut connection is fierce in me, and I need to get my shit together.  So I'm taking small steps to get back on Lexapro and stay on it forever.  Through pregnancy, breastfeeding, everything.  No more being without serotonin.  Because it's just been so bad.  So hopefully I can start feeling better.

There it is!  It's crazy to think that everything is over and I no longer have to be a professional sick person.  No more running around to a million doctors or trying to figure out what's wrong.  It's over.

Mother's Day

Well, it is Mother's Day.  I honestly don't know how I feel or where I even belong.  I'm not necessarily infertile.......but I have not been pregnant yet.  We started trying almost two years ago.......but have not been able to try the whole time.  I want to try........but want to be healthy before we do again.  All of our one year testing came back fine (at one year and five months)........but we can't go any further than that until I am better or at least have answers as to what is wrong with me.

So fuck today.  I had a little breakdown today which I honestly wasn't excpecting.  I had dreams about Stanley last night and I woke up crying.  I cannot forgive myself for not giving him a proper burial/cremation.  He deserved better than just being thrown in with all the other animals and being scattered in some park.  I still miss him terribly.  I am terrified that I will never feel good again.  I know I need to stop, but I can't help feeling like going to Mayo in June is my last hope.  What if they can't help me?  What if they don't know anyone who can?  What if they just tell me this is the way it's going to be forever; that there's nothing that can be done?  What if they do something to screw me up even worse?  I just don't understand why all of this had to happen to me.  It has stolen the last two years of my life.  And to make matters worse I am going to be 35 in a week and a half.  Old.  Advanced maternal age.  And not even one child to show for it.  I am worried that my husband will always be miserable in his work.  I am worried that I will never find a job that is truly right for me, one that I'm not just settling for.  I want so badly to be able to go back on depression medication but I react so poorly to it now that I don't know if I can/should stand it.  Perhaps the side effects will dissipate if I give it two weeks?  I don't know.  And I have put on some weight so that my pants are fitting kind of tight.  Not good.  Why do things have to be so tough right now and when the fuck are they going to get better?  I feel like I need big changes.  I have no friends around me anymore.  I think people are tired of hearing about my problems.  I try really hard not to talk about it much, but when people ask how I am feeling what am I supposed to do?  Lie?  I try to just brush it off and say as little as I can.  I try to remain positive.  I think the bottom line is too that most people my age are busy with families that H and I don't have.

So honestly.....fuck everything right now.

Back on meds

Well, I did it.  I went to my psychiatrist's office and got Prozac.  We'll see how it works out.  I'm mostly afraid it will give me terrible side effects.  Last year I tried going back on for a bit and Zoloft and even Lexapro which I took for eleven years gave me horrible racing heart beat.  It was awful.  I couldn't sleep and I felt like shit; it was wracking my whole body.  I just want this to work because I know that if and when the time comes and I need to make the choice I can stay on Prozac through pregnancy.  So we'll see what happens.  I am very hopeful but of course I still feel like shit (obviously).  I just don't want this to be my life anymore on any level.

The Last Straw

I am going back on meds I think.  I have been unmedicated for a year and a half with a short time in the middle where I went back on them.  I literally can't do life anymore.  I started a new job this week which is great but I remember how hard it is to work when I feel like such shit.  My stomach hurts so bad that when I walk around I just hug my arms around it.  It is huge all the time.  I still don't know what's wrong.  My gastroenterologist put me on antibiotics to try and change the flora in my gut.  I got a nice yeast infection from those for Valentine's day.  I also had a complete and total meltdown last night.

I told my husband that I felt that I must deserve all this shit.  That I've tried so hard in my life to do the right things and be a good person and it's just gotten me nowhere.  I got sick with my pelvic pain last year and lost my job and my best friend.  As soon as that was over this began.  I just can't take it anymore.  I told him I didn't deserve him.  I was mean to him because he was complaining about his job; I told him I couldn't have that conversation anymore.  He is miserable because he hates his job.  I am miserable because I am sick and can do nothing about it, because I am going to be 35 in three months and am still childless, because my husband is miserable and because I am straight up depressed.

I can't believe I didn't see it sooner.  I have taken no joy in any of the things I like to do for months.  I am a singer by nature; it's what I do, it's who I am.  I am a music teacher.  H and I met through music.  I sing in an a cappella group and I used to love practicing and working on music; now it's a chore.  Cooking and baking were big hobbies of mine, but food makes my stomach worse so even though I eat it always gives me anxiety and worry.  So that's out.  I don't want to do anything.  I used to be so passionate about so many things in my life; now the only thing I have been passionate about is getting healthy so we could start a family................

But that's out for now too.  I realize that in big huge bright lights now.  We are avoiding until I get better and until we can figure out our shit.  I told my husband last night that once my benefits kick in in April he should quit his job, even if he doesn't have anything else lined up.  I just can't deal with him and his job misery anymore.  He has no idea if he wants to work for himself or find another job.  I really don't give a shit what he does as long as he is happy and making some money.  I would be perfectly happy to be the main breadwinner.  I feel terrible that I am so mean and short about this with him and I know it isn't really me to be this impatient and cranky and straight bitchy.  I know that in reality it is because I don't feel good and I am getting to the last straw with it.

I am hoping that if I got back on meds it will help me cope a little better and just help me to get through.    When (if) the time comes for me to think about pregnancy again I will cross that bridge when I come to it.  The issue is that the last time I went on meds I had terrible trouble with racing heartbeat.  Even when I took Lexapro, which I had taken for eleven years prior to being off of them.  I hope I can find something I can handle this time around again.  But whatever helps me is what I will do.  I can't stand living this way anymore.

Fuck everything

I hate everything today.  And yesterday too.  I am so goddamn sick of being sick I could just scream.  After all the shit I went through last year, less than three months after my surgery I came down with this weird stomach thing.  It's like bloating and pain and sometimes other symptoms that come and go, but the sensation and the discomfort and pain do not go away or get better ever and there is nothing I can do that helps.  I have had every test there is and nothing ever comes up.  I had my pelvic pain specialist recommend the best gastroenterologist she knew of because fuck going through all these small time doctors anymore.  I went to one and basically used him for all the tests so that by the time my appointment with Dr. K, my doctor in the city, rolled around I had all the test results to bring him.  My other doctor said to me very casually that "sometimes these are symptoms of ovarian cancer."  He had in his possession copies of all three transvaginal ultrasounds as well as a pelvic abdominal ultrasound that all showed normal ovaries.  And who says that to a young woman like that?!?!  I was so pissed. It was that moment that I knew I was going to go nowhere with him.  I love Dr. K and will continue on with him until he says he can't help me.  But so far I have gotten nowhere.  I have been on the FODMAPS diet, I went gluten free for two months, I have taken a food allergy blood test--NOTHING has helped.

And the pregnancy announcements.  Oh, the pregnancy announcements.  They are coming in like a train that just won't stop.  TWINS.  FOR TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE IN MY LIFE.  I just can't anymore; I seriously can't.  We had all our IF testing done and it all came up fine, but we can't pursue it anymore at this time because I need to wait at this point to resolve my stomach problems.  So we are currently TTA and I HATE it.  I am going to be 35 in May.  We started TTC in August of 2012 when I was 33.  Then pelvic pain in October 2012 and it has just been a constant steady stream of fuckery since then.

I would give anything to just feel normal again.  To enjoy my life.  To have the chance to be happy.  To eat without freaking out.  I don't understand how I could go from one illness to another so goddamn quickly when they couldn't be any less related.  My doctor thought that perhaps the bloating was due to muscle dysfunction from my hip surgery, but we had to take that off the table with the onset of new symptoms.  I hate being sick and not knowing what is wrong.  That is the worst part.  The not knowing.  And today I just feel like punching walls.  This is not living; this is existing.  It is torture.  I get so upset now when I look at our wedding photos and how happy we were and how much promise there was in our future.  Little did we know what kind of shitty stuff would be around the corner.

I am starting a new job on Monday.  I was so happy when I got offered the job, but I honestly am not looking forward to it at all because I just feel like such shit.  I know it will be good for me, and I know it is better to be out in the workforce and not sitting at home depressed and focusing on how bad I feel.  But I am always terrified that what happened to me with my last job will happen to me again (I was so sick that I could no longer work and they didn't renew my contract).  I don't have the heart to face that again.  I just want this to stop, and it keeps going on and on.........I feel so helpless and out of control and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it other than what I am doing.

I must have been a terrible person in a past life.  I must have horrible karma.  But oh well; I try to remind myself that it could be worse.  That I don't have something deadly.  But I don't know what I have and it's ruining my life and my husband's.  What kind of a life is that?

New Year's Day

Well.  If it isn't New Year's Day 2014.  I started this blog almost two years ago when I decided I was going to try and go off my medication for my clinical depression to prepare for pregnancy.  Holy shit.  I had no idea what I had coming to me.  It became so much that I couldn't even be bothered to blog about it because it just became ridiculous.  Here is what happened in nice neat bullet points:

• Feb. 2012: started medication withdrawal, started blog.  (This was a failure.  Not ready to go off meds.)
• July 2012: moved to a new house, started med withdrawal for real.  Sought help from a chiropractor.
• August 2012: completed withdrawal.  Bumpy ride, but worth the trip.  Feeling physically better being unmedicated for the first time in twelve years. (see old post about side effects)  Got my IUD removed.  Successfully audition for a local semi-pro a cappella group.
• September 2012: diagnosed with nodules on my vocal cords.  I am a singer and a music teacher.  Not good.  My voice feels like hot lava.  Have to quit a cappella group after two rehearsals.
• October 2012: came down with pelvic pain condition.  Whoa.  Had doctors tell me I was crazy, that it was all in my head.  No one is crazy enough to tell the doctor that their vagina hurts.  Fuck that. 
• February 2013: Everything was awful.  Pain so bad I can hardly stand for one hour.  My depression/anxiety was crazy because of all this crap going on.  Vocal cords were in shreds.  I decided to take time off of work to figure out what was going on because doctor's appointments are taking up too much work time.
• March 2013: Came down with Stevens-Johnson Syndrome, a potentially deadly allergic reaction to a supplement (Sees 2000 lomatium dissectum/desert parsley).  Had to be hospitalized on IV meds for four days.  Finally had an appointment with a specialist in NYC who found something with my hip.  Refered me to hip specialist.
• April 2013: DX (finally!!!!) with bone impingement and a labral tear in my left hip.  The doctor told me that the head of the femur was too big for the hip socket, therefore tearing the labrum and sliding out of the socket against the ilio psoas tendon which was inflamed.  The ilio psoas is connected to all the nerves in the pelvic floor.  What?!  Unbelieveable.  But at least it got figured out.  Got told I should not go back to work as I will be anticipating surgery.  Got a phone call from my job saying they have decided not to renew my contract because of some lame reason they came up with to cover up the fact that they are afraid if they renew my contract I will still be sick.  Illegal.
• May 2013: My ENT told me my nodules were responsive to the speech therapy I had been doing and were 99% gone.  Got surgery to repair my hip.  
• June 2013: Started physical therapy.  
• July 2013: rejoined a cappella group.  Best thing to happen to me in 2013!  Feeling optimistic.  Had HUGE pain flare; worst since before I stopped working.
• August 2013: Got an injection into my pudendal nerve to calm the pain.  Came down with stomach condition.  Right when things were starting to get better with my pelvic pain.
• September 2013: Got offered a long term sub position in a nearby school district.  Hooray!
• December 2013: Finally saw a doctor that might have a clue what is happening with my stomach.  Implemented new diet starting today.  So we'll see.  Job ended.

Sound like fun?  Cuz it wasn't.  Now I am going to start thinking about infertility testing this month too.  You know, since there's no baby yet either.  And I'm 34 1/2.  Ugh.  Anyway, my hope is that this year will be a lot better and that I will be able to put all this shit behind me.  I will try and get this blog going because I'm tired of feeling like I have nowhere to vent my frustrations.

>^^<

Informative books that I have been reading

So I bought three books that I have found to be awesome, and I thought I would share them with you so that you can look into them if you want to:

1. Pregnant on Prozac: The Essential Guide to Making the Best Decision For You and Your Baby, by Shoshana S. Bennett

This is a really great book about choosing to either use or not use meds while pregnant.  It's extremely informative and makes me feel better about having to make the choice to go back on meds if need be.

2. (this one is my favorite) Rebuild From Depression: A Nutrient Guide Including Depression in Pregnancy and Postpartum, by Amanda Rose, Ph.D. and Annell Adams, M.D.

This book is awesome.  Honestly, I can't say enough good things about it.  The author pretty much starts out saying that you need to do what works.  And if that's medication, then so be it, however she encourages the reader to figure out why you are depressed.  There's also information about "breaking the cycle" of depression by fixing your own before or during your pregnancy and perhaps being able to  avoid passing it on to your kid (like in cases where clinical depression "runs in the family" which mine definitely does).  Whether or not there's truth to that I am unsure, but it sure couldn't hurt to try.  The information she presents is very compelling.

3. A Natural Guide To Pregnancy and Postpartum Health, by Dean Raffelock, et al

I haven't gotten into this one as much because I have been so caught up in the others, and also because there doesn't seem to be as much information on the time before pregnancy.

4. Get It Done When You're Depressed, by Julie A. Fast and John D. Preston

I know this book sounds ridiculous.  I know it does.  I picked it up as a red dot special for a dollar at a used book store.  I figured, why not?  Here's the deal: it's AMAZING.  Nothing to do with pregnancy at all, but so helpful for dealing with depression.  I thought it was just going to be silly but it has been a really great resource for me.  The author Julie Fast deals with depression and talks about how to, quite literally, live with your depression.  She talks about the day to day life stuff and how to just get on with it even when you're depressed.  I couldn't believe how many times I went through this book and said, "OMG!  That's exactly how I feel!!!"  This is NOT a "get over it" book.  It's a true portrayal of how to acknowledge and accept your depression and keep working in spite of your feelings.  I love this book.

So there you go.  Happy reading!