And The Fertilization Results Are In!

So after that epic egg laying on Wednesday I went back to work on Thursday.  Ugh--I felt like such shit.  I was exhausted, bloated and sore.  But I knew I couldn't call out for another day so off to work I went.  I was so anxious to get the call and really afraid that they would call when I was teaching and that I wouldn't be able to get back in touch with them.  (Yes, my mind of course always runs off to the worst case scenario.)  So as soon as lunchtime came I practically sprinted upstairs and lunged at my phone.  Sure enough, there was the number as a missed call and a voicemail to call back.  My hands were shaking as I dialed.  But I needn't have worried.....it was all good news!

22 eggs.  18 were mature.  And 16 fertilized.  16!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  H and I have 16 embabies growing in that lab right now as I type this!!!!!!  I still can't believe it.  I started jumping up and down for joy.  This whole experience, I thought, could not have been smoother.  I could not have asked for a better experience than this.  I am so, so excited (and a little nervous) to hear how they do.  I know not all of them will make it, but I am just praying that some reach the blastocyst stage by Monday so we can proceed with our Tuesday transfer and have some to freeze.  Of course as far as frosties are concerned they can continue maturing them for another few days if they need to; but for a fresh transfer they have to have matured enough by then, otherwise we'll have to wait and I really don't want to do that.  I want this due date.  I want my baby now.  We have waited for two years.  Please.

So that is all good AMAZING news.  I could not be happier.  The shitty thing is that I'm feeling shitty now.  The nurse asked me about certain symptoms and wanted me to go back to the RE yesterday morning to get checked for OHSS (ovarian hyperstimualation syndrome).  I checked out fine but I think it's the meds that are making me feel this way.  I am taking Medrol which is a steroid and it gave me straight up roid rage with my students yesterday (hahaha!).  It also makes my heart pound and makes me nervous shaky and feels like there is an elephant sitting on my chest.  Thank goodness it's only for three more days.  I can handle that, even if it does suck a lot.  Also taking the antibiotics make me feel awful too.  Bloated (yay--like I need more of that right now) and gross and terrified of a yeast infection.  I am doing everything in my power to try and avoid it.  I am not eating any sugar or refined carbs and no breads.  I am taking herbs (only ones I know are safe for pregnancy and won't interfere with my treatments at all) and apple cider vinegar and heavy duty probiotics and I am eating yogurt, something I normally don't really do a lot of.  But I'm not taking any chances.  I just got over a month long resistant yeast infection.  No fucking thank you.  However, I am also taking Endometrin, a progesterone suppository three times a day.  It's awful.  It's giving me a headache, I'm cranky and tired and I have cottage cheese drainage allll day long.  I have to change my pantiliner a couple times during the day.  I cannot have sex like this.  And the worst part is that it burns.  With my history of pelvic pain I cannot have that.  It will make me think I am getting a yeast infection all the time (like right now--I'm going crazy!  Is this the start of that looming yeast infection or is it just the Endometrin??) and will give me--is giving me--too much anxiety.  I would rather have the shots and have a bit of a sore ass.  If this were going to be short like the steroids then fine, but this is going to have to be for a long time, even after I am pregnant.  So I think I am going to talk to my nurse on Monday and see if I can switch to the shots.  

Anyway, so see?  It can't all be peaches and cream!  But it can be close.  It will all be worth it when I see those beautiful lines.  Until then I am crossing my fingers that we get some good news on Monday. I know we will though.  I just know it.  I feel it.  

The Last Straw

I am going back on meds I think.  I have been unmedicated for a year and a half with a short time in the middle where I went back on them.  I literally can't do life anymore.  I started a new job this week which is great but I remember how hard it is to work when I feel like such shit.  My stomach hurts so bad that when I walk around I just hug my arms around it.  It is huge all the time.  I still don't know what's wrong.  My gastroenterologist put me on antibiotics to try and change the flora in my gut.  I got a nice yeast infection from those for Valentine's day.  I also had a complete and total meltdown last night.

I told my husband that I felt that I must deserve all this shit.  That I've tried so hard in my life to do the right things and be a good person and it's just gotten me nowhere.  I got sick with my pelvic pain last year and lost my job and my best friend.  As soon as that was over this began.  I just can't take it anymore.  I told him I didn't deserve him.  I was mean to him because he was complaining about his job; I told him I couldn't have that conversation anymore.  He is miserable because he hates his job.  I am miserable because I am sick and can do nothing about it, because I am going to be 35 in three months and am still childless, because my husband is miserable and because I am straight up depressed.

I can't believe I didn't see it sooner.  I have taken no joy in any of the things I like to do for months.  I am a singer by nature; it's what I do, it's who I am.  I am a music teacher.  H and I met through music.  I sing in an a cappella group and I used to love practicing and working on music; now it's a chore.  Cooking and baking were big hobbies of mine, but food makes my stomach worse so even though I eat it always gives me anxiety and worry.  So that's out.  I don't want to do anything.  I used to be so passionate about so many things in my life; now the only thing I have been passionate about is getting healthy so we could start a family................

But that's out for now too.  I realize that in big huge bright lights now.  We are avoiding until I get better and until we can figure out our shit.  I told my husband last night that once my benefits kick in in April he should quit his job, even if he doesn't have anything else lined up.  I just can't deal with him and his job misery anymore.  He has no idea if he wants to work for himself or find another job.  I really don't give a shit what he does as long as he is happy and making some money.  I would be perfectly happy to be the main breadwinner.  I feel terrible that I am so mean and short about this with him and I know it isn't really me to be this impatient and cranky and straight bitchy.  I know that in reality it is because I don't feel good and I am getting to the last straw with it.

I am hoping that if I got back on meds it will help me cope a little better and just help me to get through.    When (if) the time comes for me to think about pregnancy again I will cross that bridge when I come to it.  The issue is that the last time I went on meds I had terrible trouble with racing heartbeat.  Even when I took Lexapro, which I had taken for eleven years prior to being off of them.  I hope I can find something I can handle this time around again.  But whatever helps me is what I will do.  I can't stand living this way anymore.