On a Related Note........

Now for the not so awesome stuff.  My meds are seriously screwing with me.  I haven't slept in two weeks.  Last night I only slept for two hours.  I finally had a nervous breakdown when my husband got up.  School starts in three weeks.  I can't go back feeling like this.  My heart pounds all day, my whole body is shaking, my head is foggy and dizzy and my eyes hurt and have a hard time focusing.  This is not right.  The RE told me that he does not want me taking Ativan during pregnancy but that he was fine with the Lexapro.  So I have not been taking the Ativan because I am afraid of getting addicted to it (it is a controlled substance and it is easy to get addicted--I have in the past because I took one each morning upon waking.  I managed to get off of it pretty easily but I was already taking my SSRIs for a long time at that point).  I cut my Lexapro dose in half because I felt it was too much and it was most definitely screwing with me way too much.  The problem is now I don't know what's happening--am I having withdrawals from that?  From the Ativan?  Do I have to just stop the Lexapro altogether?  I am beyond frustrated because I feel like no one can help me.  I just keep having bad reaction to antidepressants now--even after taking them for so many years!!  Honestly, the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life was to wean off of them.  My life has been hell ever since (for other reasons) and because of the fact that I've not been medicated I have not been coping with everything very well.  I had such high hopes after leaving Mayo and am literally devastated that the treatment plan is going like this.  I was doing great with the small increments until just over two weeks ago.  I am now going to look for a psychiatrist who specializes in reproductive psychiatry and can help me with treatment now, during and after pregnancy.  I am well aware that this all needs to be under control before I can start cycling with the RE so I am really hoping that we can figure something out.  Fuck.  It just never, ever stops or gets any easier, does it?.........
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So I just got back from seeing my psychiatric nurse practitioner and my therapist AND I also spoke on the phone with a psychiatric nurse at the Mayo Clinic.  I was completely freaking out when I wrote the first half of this post this morning, so I am a bit more stable now.  Everyone is in agreement that I am suffering from withdrawals, all of my own idiotic doing.  My doctor at Mayo told me to slowly raise my dosage of Lexapro by 5 mgs at a time which I had been doing.  But at 15 it started to get to be too much and by 20 (target dosage) it was ridiculous.  I couldn't handle it (even though that is the dose I took for ten years before stopping it in 2012).  So I called and she told me to take 15.  But I'm an asshole and thought "I felt best when I was at 10" so I decided I was going to do that.  Terrible.  Then I just abruptly stopped the Ativan even though I know that it is addictive as I mentioned before--but I didn't think about any of this.  I didn't think "I may just be having withdrawals" because I freaked out thinking that it was all affecting me the way everything else has this past year and I spiraled.  This is what happens.  So now I will stay on 10 mgs of Lexapro and hopefully continue on that permanently.  I will resume the Ativan for now and taper off once the Lexapro has taken full effect.  Now maybe I can get some goddamn sleep and stop trying to do everything myself.  I need to remember that these doctors all know what they are talking about.

The End.

The Drawing Board.......

I don't even know what the phrase "back to the drawing board" would even be for me right now.  I had to stop the Prozac after three days because it was giving me the same effects as the other meds.  Thumping, wracking heart beat, lightheadedness and weird eyesight things.  So I got some new stuff called supposedly "created for patients just like me".  Well today is day three and guess what?  Same thing.  I don't know what to do anymore.  Obviously I'm going to stop taking it, but I don't know where that leaves me.  What if I just can't tolerate meds anymore?  I'm just going to have to go back to the natural/herbal drawing board.  I just want to feel like my old self again, and I'm afraid I won't ever be able to because I respond so badly to meds.

On another note, my gastroenterologist is being really strange.  He usually gets back to me right away when I email him, but I emailed him on Sunday and again on Tuesday and then I called on Wednesday.   I still haven't heard back from him.  This is just very unusual and odd and I'm starting to worry.   What do you do when you are seeing one of the best doctors in all of New York City and they can't help you?  Where would you even go?  I am sure if he can't help me he will give me a referral.  At least that's what I hope.

I am losing hope a little more every day that we will be able to have a family.  I need this taken care of so we can start seeing the RE.  I don't even know what to do about anything anymore; it is so discouraging.  I mean, maybe with H's bipolar disorder and my depression/anxiety disorder it is best that we don't raise kids.  Maybe we are just not strong enough.  Maybe this is the universe telling us that we need to take care of each other and ourselves and that all we can really handle is cats.  I don't know.

I am freaking out about starting my new teaching job.  I have been shadowing the teacher I am replacing for the past two weeks and it seems like it will be good but a lot of work.  I am not afraid of doing a lot of work, but I feel so shitty that I am worried I won't do a good job.  I feel like I am caught between a rock and a hard place.  H has realized that as much as he would like (and I would like) for him to be able to quit his misery-making job after my benefits kick in in April that it would be very ill advised.  The reality is that we both have health conditions that require constant attention and we can't be without health insurance.  If I don't get a permanent postition for September then I will lost my insurance as of August 31st, and if he doesn't have a job with benefits then we are fucked.  I am glad he has come to this conclusion because I feel terrible since I was the one to suggest he quit in April.  I would love to see him leave this job but we are unfortunately once again stuck between that rock and hard place.

Things are tough.  They really are.  Last night I just cried and cried while listening to this song after dinner.  H hugged me and said this should be our mantra right now.   I am trying.  Truly I am.

I love this video because it is so real.  This is H and me right now.    

Back on meds

Well, I did it.  I went to my psychiatrist's office and got Prozac.  We'll see how it works out.  I'm mostly afraid it will give me terrible side effects.  Last year I tried going back on for a bit and Zoloft and even Lexapro which I took for eleven years gave me horrible racing heart beat.  It was awful.  I couldn't sleep and I felt like shit; it was wracking my whole body.  I just want this to work because I know that if and when the time comes and I need to make the choice I can stay on Prozac through pregnancy.  So we'll see what happens.  I am very hopeful but of course I still feel like shit (obviously).  I just don't want this to be my life anymore on any level.