The Drawing Board.......

I don't even know what the phrase "back to the drawing board" would even be for me right now.  I had to stop the Prozac after three days because it was giving me the same effects as the other meds.  Thumping, wracking heart beat, lightheadedness and weird eyesight things.  So I got some new stuff called supposedly "created for patients just like me".  Well today is day three and guess what?  Same thing.  I don't know what to do anymore.  Obviously I'm going to stop taking it, but I don't know where that leaves me.  What if I just can't tolerate meds anymore?  I'm just going to have to go back to the natural/herbal drawing board.  I just want to feel like my old self again, and I'm afraid I won't ever be able to because I respond so badly to meds.

On another note, my gastroenterologist is being really strange.  He usually gets back to me right away when I email him, but I emailed him on Sunday and again on Tuesday and then I called on Wednesday.   I still haven't heard back from him.  This is just very unusual and odd and I'm starting to worry.   What do you do when you are seeing one of the best doctors in all of New York City and they can't help you?  Where would you even go?  I am sure if he can't help me he will give me a referral.  At least that's what I hope.

I am losing hope a little more every day that we will be able to have a family.  I need this taken care of so we can start seeing the RE.  I don't even know what to do about anything anymore; it is so discouraging.  I mean, maybe with H's bipolar disorder and my depression/anxiety disorder it is best that we don't raise kids.  Maybe we are just not strong enough.  Maybe this is the universe telling us that we need to take care of each other and ourselves and that all we can really handle is cats.  I don't know.

I am freaking out about starting my new teaching job.  I have been shadowing the teacher I am replacing for the past two weeks and it seems like it will be good but a lot of work.  I am not afraid of doing a lot of work, but I feel so shitty that I am worried I won't do a good job.  I feel like I am caught between a rock and a hard place.  H has realized that as much as he would like (and I would like) for him to be able to quit his misery-making job after my benefits kick in in April that it would be very ill advised.  The reality is that we both have health conditions that require constant attention and we can't be without health insurance.  If I don't get a permanent postition for September then I will lost my insurance as of August 31st, and if he doesn't have a job with benefits then we are fucked.  I am glad he has come to this conclusion because I feel terrible since I was the one to suggest he quit in April.  I would love to see him leave this job but we are unfortunately once again stuck between that rock and hard place.

Things are tough.  They really are.  Last night I just cried and cried while listening to this song after dinner.  H hugged me and said this should be our mantra right now.   I am trying.  Truly I am.

I love this video because it is so real.  This is H and me right now.    

Back on meds

Well, I did it.  I went to my psychiatrist's office and got Prozac.  We'll see how it works out.  I'm mostly afraid it will give me terrible side effects.  Last year I tried going back on for a bit and Zoloft and even Lexapro which I took for eleven years gave me horrible racing heart beat.  It was awful.  I couldn't sleep and I felt like shit; it was wracking my whole body.  I just want this to work because I know that if and when the time comes and I need to make the choice I can stay on Prozac through pregnancy.  So we'll see what happens.  I am very hopeful but of course I still feel like shit (obviously).  I just don't want this to be my life anymore on any level.

Side effects

So, in my recent searches for all things Lexapro related, I have come across some pretty shady stuff, some of which was positively shocking to me.  The main thing I found so shocking was the side effect list I found here: http://www.theroadback.org/lexapro_side_effects.aspx

UNBELIEVABLE!!!!  Okay, now whatever this "The Road Back" program is, I have no idea, nor do I intend to buy their book or anything to do with it, however, this list of side effects is amazing to me, and here's why:

1. Excessive sweating/night sweats.  Are you kidding me????  I get major night sweats and have since I was in my early twenties.  Hmmmm......started taking it at age 22.  Interesting.  I have always wondered about that, because I also tend to sweat a lot when I get hot (I get hot very easily).  I never used to sweat like that.  But again, this has been ten years--I just never thought about it.
2. Irregular heartbeat.  I have been told by doctors that I have an irregular heartbeat.
3. Carpal tunnel symdrome.  This is a BIG one!  I had bilateral carpal tunnel surgery in 2007.  In my former life I groomed dogs, and figured my carpal tunnel syndrome to be a result of that (gripping clippers and brushes (left hand), scissoring (right hand), squeezing nail clippers).  My five year career came to an end because of it (I hated it anyway, but still.....) and I tried everything before I finally got surgery.  It was awful.
4. Migraines.  I get those too--ouch.
5. Restless legs syndrome.  Okay, now I have literally never told anyone about this--not even my husband--because I feel like it's so ridiculous.  Everyone (including my husband and myself) makes fun of those commercials so bad--it's like "get some excercise!  Stretch your legs!  Damn!  They have a pill and a 'syndrome' for everything!"  But at night sometimes, no matter how much I have or have not walked, stretched or exercised, I get this feeling like I have to move my legs and stretch them when I am sitting on the couch.  It's a feeling I can't really explain, and nothing seems to help until I lay flat and stretch out and go to sleep.  I never say anything, because it's not all that bad--but still!!!
6. Weight gain.  I'm fat.  The end.
7. Nighttime teeth clenching/grinding.  Another thing I've been doing since my early twenties.  At times it was so bad that I had to wear a hockey guard to bed.

Okay.  Now, could most of these symptoms have been caused by other things?  Perhaps.  I guess I will find out if they stop or go away after I have it completely out of my system.  Interesting.