Fuck everything

I hate everything today.  And yesterday too.  I am so goddamn sick of being sick I could just scream.  After all the shit I went through last year, less than three months after my surgery I came down with this weird stomach thing.  It's like bloating and pain and sometimes other symptoms that come and go, but the sensation and the discomfort and pain do not go away or get better ever and there is nothing I can do that helps.  I have had every test there is and nothing ever comes up.  I had my pelvic pain specialist recommend the best gastroenterologist she knew of because fuck going through all these small time doctors anymore.  I went to one and basically used him for all the tests so that by the time my appointment with Dr. K, my doctor in the city, rolled around I had all the test results to bring him.  My other doctor said to me very casually that "sometimes these are symptoms of ovarian cancer."  He had in his possession copies of all three transvaginal ultrasounds as well as a pelvic abdominal ultrasound that all showed normal ovaries.  And who says that to a young woman like that?!?!  I was so pissed. It was that moment that I knew I was going to go nowhere with him.  I love Dr. K and will continue on with him until he says he can't help me.  But so far I have gotten nowhere.  I have been on the FODMAPS diet, I went gluten free for two months, I have taken a food allergy blood test--NOTHING has helped.

And the pregnancy announcements.  Oh, the pregnancy announcements.  They are coming in like a train that just won't stop.  TWINS.  FOR TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE IN MY LIFE.  I just can't anymore; I seriously can't.  We had all our IF testing done and it all came up fine, but we can't pursue it anymore at this time because I need to wait at this point to resolve my stomach problems.  So we are currently TTA and I HATE it.  I am going to be 35 in May.  We started TTC in August of 2012 when I was 33.  Then pelvic pain in October 2012 and it has just been a constant steady stream of fuckery since then.

I would give anything to just feel normal again.  To enjoy my life.  To have the chance to be happy.  To eat without freaking out.  I don't understand how I could go from one illness to another so goddamn quickly when they couldn't be any less related.  My doctor thought that perhaps the bloating was due to muscle dysfunction from my hip surgery, but we had to take that off the table with the onset of new symptoms.  I hate being sick and not knowing what is wrong.  That is the worst part.  The not knowing.  And today I just feel like punching walls.  This is not living; this is existing.  It is torture.  I get so upset now when I look at our wedding photos and how happy we were and how much promise there was in our future.  Little did we know what kind of shitty stuff would be around the corner.

I am starting a new job on Monday.  I was so happy when I got offered the job, but I honestly am not looking forward to it at all because I just feel like such shit.  I know it will be good for me, and I know it is better to be out in the workforce and not sitting at home depressed and focusing on how bad I feel.  But I am always terrified that what happened to me with my last job will happen to me again (I was so sick that I could no longer work and they didn't renew my contract).  I don't have the heart to face that again.  I just want this to stop, and it keeps going on and on.........I feel so helpless and out of control and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it other than what I am doing.

I must have been a terrible person in a past life.  I must have horrible karma.  But oh well; I try to remind myself that it could be worse.  That I don't have something deadly.  But I don't know what I have and it's ruining my life and my husband's.  What kind of a life is that?