I finally get to call it: BFFP!!!

So obviously this has been a lot longer than it should have been.  But there has been a lot of drama and I really didn't want to write this until we were sure what was going to happen.  It's one thing to update on a message board but to have to write a whole blog post would have been the most depressing thing ever.  So settle in; it's gonna be a long one!

So as I wrote about in my last post we did our transfer and everything was supposed to be perfect!  I have had the most positive attitude and a really optimistic outlook on everything, but that doesn't mean I wasn't nervous.  The closer we got to Wednesday Oct. 8th, the day of my first beta, the more nervous I got.  I had had reeeeeeally sore boobs but I wasn't sure if it was from the meds or from actually being pregnant.  I had read about other people testing out their triggers and all, but I didn't want to do that.  I had been planning on waiting until Wednesday morning before my beta to test but I woke up early on Saturday morning and couldn't get back to sleep.  I told myself I wasn't going to test, but I had some Wondfos so I just finally got out of bed and did it, knowing full well that it would be negative.  It was, and I went back to bed for two hours.  But.......when I came downstairs to the bathroom later, there was  the test on top of the trash with a faint hint of a line.  I started laughing or crying or something because I didn't know what to do.  I knew that it was an evap, but I have never gotten one before so there was part of me that got excited.  The next morning I took another one--and it was stark negative.  I didn't expect to be, but I was super crushed.  I cried and freaked out all day even though I knew I was being unreasonable.  This is exactly why I had decided NOT to test.  I have never been a big tester; I don't know what I was thinking.  After talking to people about it a lot they convinced me that not only was it too early but that Wondfos generally suck for early detection like that and to only use FRERs.  But I was not completely convinced.  By the time Tuesday came I had exactly ZERO symptoms anymore, so I started to fear the worst.  On my way home on Tuesday I picked up a box of FRERs and was debating whether to take it that night or wait until the morning.

***Pause for a quick backstory: I had ordered a onesie online after the transfer to give to MH for when we got the postitive test.  I was bummed when I found out it wasn't due to arrive until October 13th, at which point we would already know if I was pregnant or not.  Oh well, NBD, right?***

Anyway, so I walked into the house and saw that MH had gotten home already and gotten the mail.  I saw a package on the table that I knew contained the onesie--six days early.  I immediately knew it was a sign that the test was going to be positive.  I just knew it.  So I ran into the bathroom and used my first FRER.  I stood there shaking and waited for the lines to fill in.  And then it happened--that faint, but beautiful second line filled in.  I started doing that same laugh/cry thing and MH came into the bathroom going "It's negative, isn't it...."  I couldn't speak so I just moved over and let him see for himself.  It was amazing.  We hugged and danced around the kitchen and had a great night.

The next morning I was very excited to use another FRER, thinking that it would be a lot darker this time since it was first thing in the moring.  But it was negative.  I mean, like really negative.  I was so shocked that I kept holding it up to the light and looking at it this way and that.  I swore I could see a very faint line, but I knew at this point that after my positive last night this should not be happening.  I didn't know what to do.  On the one hand I didn't want to jump to any conclusions, but on the other I knew this was not right.  I was shaking.  I decided not to wake up MH and tell him anything; I would wait until after the beta results to say anything.

Chemical pregnancy.  That is what I knew they would say.  As I drove to the office I just kept turning it over in my mind.  How could this be?  It was supposed to be so perfect.  Everything had gone perfectly.  I had a terrible feeling in my gut, like I had secretly been waiting for the other shoe to drop;  that everything had gone so well and had been timed so perfectly that there is no way this could possibly have worked out.  How could I have been so stupid?

When I got the call I was (thankfully) on my prep during school, except there was a class being taught in my room and I could not talk to the nurse.  I ran out into the hall, but there were people in the teacher's room.  I ran to the bathroom.  Someone in there too.  It didn't matter.  She told me what I already knew; my beta was too low, 25.something and that I should prepare myself for a chemical pregnancy but come back on Friday for a followup.  I was so devastated I couldn't speak anyway, so I just said "okay" and hung up.  I went outside called MH who was on his lunch and told him what happened.  I started crying but was trying to do everything I could to hold it in considering I was at school and had one more class to teach.  I tried to breathe and just told myself I needed to get through this next hour until I could break down.  I went back inside and into the bathroom.  I closed myself in a stall and tried to steady my breathing and blew my nose.  And then about five people came into the bathroom all at once and someone said "How's the babyyyyy??"  "Oh, he's greeeeat etc. etc. etc." and I buckled over and sobbed.  Luckily someone flushed the toilet at that moment so I don't think anyone heard.

The next 48 hours were hell.  Just hell.  I never thought I would feel like that about an early loss, but I was devastated.  My baby was not going to make it.  To add insult to injury, on Friday after my morning beta, we had a professional day at school, culminating in a baby shower for two pregnant coworkers who are leaving shortly for maternity leave.  I would have rather been in Iraq.  But I braved it and left school the moment I was able, looking forward to the weekend.  As upset as I still was, I had had two days to process what was going to happen and was fully prepared to receive the call from my RE and to have the conversation about the next steps.

So you could color me shocked when she called me and told me that MY BETA HAD DOUBLED!!!!  She said it was still low but that it had appropriately doubled, so they wanted me back in on Sunday for a third draw!!!  I was so shocked that I just started babbling.  I told her about my tests.  I didn't understand.  She said that perhaps the first FRER was still picking up the trigger, but that would have been 7dp5dt, and plus I had had those negative Wondfos.  But I didn't care.  When I got home I ran into the bathroom without even saying anything to MH and used my last FRER.  BLAZING lines.  Unquestionably positive.  I held it behind my back and went into his room.  When he looked at me questioningly, I took out the test: "We've got a fighter", I said.  He hugged me and we did some more dancing.

So my third beta came back good but still low so they put me on Estrace.  After that I decided enough.  Enough fearing the worst.  I made the conscious decision to expect the best and believe in my baby.  I truly believed everything was going to be fine.  I started to feel a lot better after that.  At my FOURTH beta they gave me an ultrasound where they saw a gestational sac but no yolk sac.  Since it was still early, they told me to come back today for yet a fifth beta and a second ultrasound.  And there it was: a gloriously beautiful yolk sac.  And my bloods came in well over 2K (I don't remember the exact numbers).  So this limbo........it's over.  Everyone is happy.  I am pregnant.  I finally get to wait a whole week and a half before going back into the office for more bloods or ultrasounds.  Today I am 5 weeks 4 days.  I am going back on the 29th, at 7 weeks, for a heartbeat scan!!!!  I am so freaking excited to see that beautiful heartbeat!!!

So needless to say this has been more than a little stressful.  As you may have figured if you have followed my blog at all, I am not one of those people to whom anything comes easily.  So I'm not at all surprised that my kid is already messing with me.  I'm not at all surprised that I ended up being one of those people with a crazy testing story.  I'm also, more than anything, not at all surprised that I have a little fighter in me.  But I knew it.  After that second beta came back, I just knew it.  I knew everything was going to be okay.  I am pregnant.  I still can't believe I get to say those words.  I know it is still early, but I truly do believe in my baby and believe that everything will be okay.  So today, I AM PREGNANT.