As I Live and Breathe.......

So doth this blog.  I am admittedly the worst.  First trimester was really hard and I fell off the face of the earth here and IRL.  Sorry about that.  There was so much going on............

I am the involuntarily appointed cultural arts committee chair (cultural arts committee, party of one=yours truly) at school and am responsible for setting up field trips for every grade level, pre-k through 8.  This might sound easy enough, but all the research, and the back and forth with the principal about cost, and things being sold out after finally agreeing on them, phone tag, etc. it just ends up being a lot of work.  Then I had to do the Christmas musical for grades 4-8.  So. much. work.  Let me just say....had I not been pregnant, it would have been a lot of work.  But since I am pregnant and it was first trimester it was almost more than I could bear.  Thankfully I was not throwing up and didn't have that kind of morning sickness, but I was nauseous all day long and could only eat carbs.  I felt gross.  I got (and am still getting, just not as frequently) pregnancy migraines.  Ohhhhh man do those suck.  I also was more exhausted than I ever believed a person could be.  And then of course, there was my massive hemorrhage.

Yup.  I had a massive subchorionic hemorrhage at 13 weeks.  It was the most traumatizing and scary experience I have ever had.  I had had a stomach virus the day before.  I had woken up Monday morning with a massive migraine and severe nausea, but I just figured it was pregnancy related and that I would just have to power through another day.  I did just that and at the end of the day (which at this point included rehearsals with the kids until 5pm) I could not get out of there fast enough.  All I could think about all day was pajamas, peppermint oil for my head and my bed and couch.  But of course, on my way home I got a call from the vet whom I had called that morning about Mingus having vomited up pink bile.  I had wanted to schedule and appointment for the next day so that MH could take him but they wanted me to bring him in that night.  I practically cried, but of course I did it.  Got through the whole appointment, it was decided he was fine, then I sat in the waiting room and waited for our chart.  Cue me running to the bathroom and getting violently (and loudly) ill for the first time since my pregnancy.  As I came out the receptionist said "are you okay?" and looked really horrified.  I blamed it on my pregnancy but had a feeling it was that stomach bug that had been going around.  I woke up in the middle of the night feeling like crap.  I tossed and turned and couldn't get back to sleep.  I really didn't want to call out because I had an appointment with my principal the next day to tell her that I was pregnant, but I knew there was no way I could go in like this, so I called out.  I slept in, had some tea and toast, and by 10:15 I decided that I could go in for a half day and make it through my afternoon classes and still have the meeting with my principal.  I still don't know if I wish I had just stayed home or not.

I made it through one class.  Ten minutes into teaching the next one I felt this little gush.  I kept going and then felt another bigger one and felt it spread across my butt.  Thank goodness I was wearing black pants; the kids would have flipped.  I touched my thigh and looked at my hand and saw blood.  I immediately stood up and said "I have to go" to the aides and left the room.  As I was walking down the hall I could feel the blood pouring down my legs down to my knees and soaking my pants.  I ran into the office (where the bathroom is) and my principal was standing there.  As I hurried past her I said "something is wrong with me.  I'm bleeding".  while she went and got the nurse I went into the bathroom and stripped off my pants and underpants which were literally sopping.  I have never seen that much blood in my entire life.  I was sitting on the toilet and it was just pouring out of me and I was passing golf ball sized clots.  I was hysterical when the nurse got there and I had to stand up and open the door for her.  There was just blood everywhere; the floor, the toilet, the walls.....it was like a murder scene.  And no one even knew I was pregnant.  Of course I told her and her first reaction was to give me a big pad and call my OB--but I filled the pad in about 10 seconds just by holding it under me.  So they put the school on lockdown and called 911.  The medics came and wrapped me up in sheets and brought me to the ER.  I had stopped gushing at that point so it ceased being a dire emergency by the time I got there, so I just had to wait.  And wait.  MH got there as soon as he could and I have never been so glad to see him in my whole life.  I went between states of catatonia and tears for the whole five hours we were there.  I was so devastated; I thought for sure I had lost my baby--how could anyone lose that much blood and with such huge clots and still have a baby inside?  But there was this small part of me that knew I hadn't had any cramping......so there must still be a spark of hope, right?  Well when they finally brought me down to ultrasound I was already starting to feel angry and bitter.  Then to be in there surrounded by pictures of babies' ultrasounds...........when the tech finally came out and got me she was of course not informed of our whole situation.  No one in the ER ever is, and that's not a criticism, it's just the way it works because they have to do everything so fast.  They just say "ante part bleeding" and call it a day.  Not "patient bled more blood than any person should ever bleed and we are all convinced the baby is gone".  So when she put the wand down on my belly and I saw that little wiggly baby waving his little hands around, I said "oh my god.  He's still there!"  And then I broke.  I literally crumpled and started sobbing.  I rolled away from her and clung to MH and just sobbed.  The tech meanwhile is saying "Of course he's still there!  Oh my gosh, I didn't realize how much this scared you!  I'm going to leave you alone for a few minutes!"  I have never felt such relief in my whole entire life as I did in that moment.  When she came back in we explained the whole story to her while she took pictures of our little tiny wiggler and then of course she understood why we had reacted the way we did.

I went to see my OB the next day and she kept me out of work for the next week.  She showed me on ultrasound where the bleed had happened and told me that subchorionic hemorrhage is sometimes minor and sometimes massive but not harmful to the baby.  The next day we went for our N/T scan which had already been scheduled ahead of time.  It was so amazing to see him on screen again.  We got some really amazing pictures that day and they declared everything to be looking good.  Then, on our way home we got a call from my OB that our Panorama test results were in--which we had been expecting for the next day at the earliest--and everything was perfect!  We also decided we wanted to know the sex after what had happened, just in case.  And she told us what I already "knew"--it is a BOY!!!  A perfect, healthy, precious baby BOY!!!!  I almost floated away on a cloud of joy.  I'm telling you--within 48 hours I experienced the range of human emotions.  On Tuesday I thought I had lost my baby.  By Thursday we were being told that we were going to have a perfectly healthy baby boy.  It was truly amazing.

Well, that concludes the story of my little drama baby.  My principal, well, she knows now!  It has been a whirlwind but I feel like I am just starting to come out of it.  When I get back to school after the break I am hoping that I will be able to keep up my energy now that I am well past first trip, but at least eating has gotten normal again which I am so relieved about.  With the play over and all the field trips scheduled I just have to maintain for the next few months and now we have plenty of time to focus on the arrival of our son!  If you made it through this whole thing, thanks for listening.  It felt good to get it out.

I Graduated!

Wow, it has been a while.  Things at work have become so chaotic and hectic and busy that I barely have time to eat my lunch let alone blog or keep up on TB!  I am at school until at least 5 every day and still have so much work to do.  All school teachers and students have a four day weekend (hooray!) so here I am, finally able to update!

Yesterday I graduated from the RE!!!  I am so freaking excited I can hardly stand it.  My sweet little bean has a hearbeat of 167 beats per minute and is measuring right on track at 8 weeks!!!  I got to stop taking the Estrace yesterday and have only one more week of Endometrin suppositories!!!!!  YAYAYAYAY!!!!!!  I am so excited to be done with that crap.  I am very grateful I got in to see the OB I wanted to use.  I can't see her until 11/25, but that's okay; I really wanted to use her so I'm just relieved that I got in at all!  I had these visions of them telling me they weren't accepting new OB patients at this time.  Since I have been exclusively seeing my pelvic pain specialist (who is an OB) for the past year and a half I had to find someone new now that I am pregnant.  The OB I chose is one that I saw in January of 2013 when I was searching for someone who could help me with my pelvic pain.  While she couldn't help me with it, she was very sympathetic and kind and I really liked her practice.  She is a holistic practitioner and uses herbs and aromatherapy to complement allopathic stuff and also specializes in natural birth (unless otherwise indicated, of course--she can/will do epidurals, c-sections, etc. if necessary).

If I could, I would have a home birth.  I would love nothing more than to have a midwife come to my house, have my husband catch the baby and then curl up in my own bed and nurse by baby.  However, I live a solid 35 minutes away from the nearest hospital and also, being on meds myself, I just feel that I would need the extra support that a hospital would offer.  Since there are no birthing centers in NJ, the hospital is kind of my only other option.  I feel that even though her practice is about 40 minutes from my house (everything is 40 minutes from our house--we live in the mountains out in the sticks) and the hospital she delivers at is an hour from our house, this will be the closest thing to having what I want for prenatal care as well as birthing.  She has since gone into private practice and I am just absolutely in love with everything I have read about her practice and everything I see on their website.  I really think it will be a perfect fit.  Plus the hospital she delivers at has private rooms, tubs for water labor and a really good reputation for maternity care.  I have known since I met her that I wanted to use her for prenatal care, but just to get all the information I did research on other hospitals that might be a little closer.  The only thing I found that I really liked at all was a holistic birthing unit in a different major hospital, but that hospital is just so crazy busy and also my SIL had a horrible experience there so I just decided to go with my gut and stick with what I know.

So I am very excited to see her in a few weeks.  Mostly, I am excited to be just a regular pregnant person in one more week!!!  No more hormone meds!!!  For now, I am just trying to keep up at work and be not so tired.  That last part is not working; I'm exhausted beyone belief right now.  I am so lazy I can barely peel myself off the couch by the time I get home.  Eating is kind of hard too; all this kid wants is carbs and cheese.  But I'm working on trying to get the veggies in there.  I can do it if I add starches somehow (grains, beans, etc.)

Also I think we are going to tell my dad and stepmom and MH's family on Thanksgiving.  I had wanted to try and hold out for Christmas, but 1) they will immediately know something is up when I don't walk in the door and start pouring wine 2) I don't know when we will get to see everyone in person again since we are going to see my mom and aunts for Christmas.  I am adament about telling family in person whenever possible.  Plus I already can't use my belt anymore.  I will be eleven weeks at Thanksgiving.  While it's still a tad bit earlier than I would have liked, I think it will be best and fine.  I will tell my aunts in person on Christmas (my mom and stepdad already know).  After that it's open season.  Cool.

I finally get to call it: BFFP!!!

So obviously this has been a lot longer than it should have been.  But there has been a lot of drama and I really didn't want to write this until we were sure what was going to happen.  It's one thing to update on a message board but to have to write a whole blog post would have been the most depressing thing ever.  So settle in; it's gonna be a long one!

So as I wrote about in my last post we did our transfer and everything was supposed to be perfect!  I have had the most positive attitude and a really optimistic outlook on everything, but that doesn't mean I wasn't nervous.  The closer we got to Wednesday Oct. 8th, the day of my first beta, the more nervous I got.  I had had reeeeeeally sore boobs but I wasn't sure if it was from the meds or from actually being pregnant.  I had read about other people testing out their triggers and all, but I didn't want to do that.  I had been planning on waiting until Wednesday morning before my beta to test but I woke up early on Saturday morning and couldn't get back to sleep.  I told myself I wasn't going to test, but I had some Wondfos so I just finally got out of bed and did it, knowing full well that it would be negative.  It was, and I went back to bed for two hours.  But.......when I came downstairs to the bathroom later, there was  the test on top of the trash with a faint hint of a line.  I started laughing or crying or something because I didn't know what to do.  I knew that it was an evap, but I have never gotten one before so there was part of me that got excited.  The next morning I took another one--and it was stark negative.  I didn't expect to be, but I was super crushed.  I cried and freaked out all day even though I knew I was being unreasonable.  This is exactly why I had decided NOT to test.  I have never been a big tester; I don't know what I was thinking.  After talking to people about it a lot they convinced me that not only was it too early but that Wondfos generally suck for early detection like that and to only use FRERs.  But I was not completely convinced.  By the time Tuesday came I had exactly ZERO symptoms anymore, so I started to fear the worst.  On my way home on Tuesday I picked up a box of FRERs and was debating whether to take it that night or wait until the morning.

***Pause for a quick backstory: I had ordered a onesie online after the transfer to give to MH for when we got the postitive test.  I was bummed when I found out it wasn't due to arrive until October 13th, at which point we would already know if I was pregnant or not.  Oh well, NBD, right?***

Anyway, so I walked into the house and saw that MH had gotten home already and gotten the mail.  I saw a package on the table that I knew contained the onesie--six days early.  I immediately knew it was a sign that the test was going to be positive.  I just knew it.  So I ran into the bathroom and used my first FRER.  I stood there shaking and waited for the lines to fill in.  And then it happened--that faint, but beautiful second line filled in.  I started doing that same laugh/cry thing and MH came into the bathroom going "It's negative, isn't it...."  I couldn't speak so I just moved over and let him see for himself.  It was amazing.  We hugged and danced around the kitchen and had a great night.

The next morning I was very excited to use another FRER, thinking that it would be a lot darker this time since it was first thing in the moring.  But it was negative.  I mean, like really negative.  I was so shocked that I kept holding it up to the light and looking at it this way and that.  I swore I could see a very faint line, but I knew at this point that after my positive last night this should not be happening.  I didn't know what to do.  On the one hand I didn't want to jump to any conclusions, but on the other I knew this was not right.  I was shaking.  I decided not to wake up MH and tell him anything; I would wait until after the beta results to say anything.

Chemical pregnancy.  That is what I knew they would say.  As I drove to the office I just kept turning it over in my mind.  How could this be?  It was supposed to be so perfect.  Everything had gone perfectly.  I had a terrible feeling in my gut, like I had secretly been waiting for the other shoe to drop;  that everything had gone so well and had been timed so perfectly that there is no way this could possibly have worked out.  How could I have been so stupid?

When I got the call I was (thankfully) on my prep during school, except there was a class being taught in my room and I could not talk to the nurse.  I ran out into the hall, but there were people in the teacher's room.  I ran to the bathroom.  Someone in there too.  It didn't matter.  She told me what I already knew; my beta was too low, 25.something and that I should prepare myself for a chemical pregnancy but come back on Friday for a followup.  I was so devastated I couldn't speak anyway, so I just said "okay" and hung up.  I went outside called MH who was on his lunch and told him what happened.  I started crying but was trying to do everything I could to hold it in considering I was at school and had one more class to teach.  I tried to breathe and just told myself I needed to get through this next hour until I could break down.  I went back inside and into the bathroom.  I closed myself in a stall and tried to steady my breathing and blew my nose.  And then about five people came into the bathroom all at once and someone said "How's the babyyyyy??"  "Oh, he's greeeeat etc. etc. etc." and I buckled over and sobbed.  Luckily someone flushed the toilet at that moment so I don't think anyone heard.

The next 48 hours were hell.  Just hell.  I never thought I would feel like that about an early loss, but I was devastated.  My baby was not going to make it.  To add insult to injury, on Friday after my morning beta, we had a professional day at school, culminating in a baby shower for two pregnant coworkers who are leaving shortly for maternity leave.  I would have rather been in Iraq.  But I braved it and left school the moment I was able, looking forward to the weekend.  As upset as I still was, I had had two days to process what was going to happen and was fully prepared to receive the call from my RE and to have the conversation about the next steps.

So you could color me shocked when she called me and told me that MY BETA HAD DOUBLED!!!!  She said it was still low but that it had appropriately doubled, so they wanted me back in on Sunday for a third draw!!!  I was so shocked that I just started babbling.  I told her about my tests.  I didn't understand.  She said that perhaps the first FRER was still picking up the trigger, but that would have been 7dp5dt, and plus I had had those negative Wondfos.  But I didn't care.  When I got home I ran into the bathroom without even saying anything to MH and used my last FRER.  BLAZING lines.  Unquestionably positive.  I held it behind my back and went into his room.  When he looked at me questioningly, I took out the test: "We've got a fighter", I said.  He hugged me and we did some more dancing.

So my third beta came back good but still low so they put me on Estrace.  After that I decided enough.  Enough fearing the worst.  I made the conscious decision to expect the best and believe in my baby.  I truly believed everything was going to be fine.  I started to feel a lot better after that.  At my FOURTH beta they gave me an ultrasound where they saw a gestational sac but no yolk sac.  Since it was still early, they told me to come back today for yet a fifth beta and a second ultrasound.  And there it was: a gloriously beautiful yolk sac.  And my bloods came in well over 2K (I don't remember the exact numbers).  So this limbo........it's over.  Everyone is happy.  I am pregnant.  I finally get to wait a whole week and a half before going back into the office for more bloods or ultrasounds.  Today I am 5 weeks 4 days.  I am going back on the 29th, at 7 weeks, for a heartbeat scan!!!!  I am so freaking excited to see that beautiful heartbeat!!!

So needless to say this has been more than a little stressful.  As you may have figured if you have followed my blog at all, I am not one of those people to whom anything comes easily.  So I'm not at all surprised that my kid is already messing with me.  I'm not at all surprised that I ended up being one of those people with a crazy testing story.  I'm also, more than anything, not at all surprised that I have a little fighter in me.  But I knew it.  After that second beta came back, I just knew it.  I knew everything was going to be okay.  I am pregnant.  I still can't believe I get to say those words.  I know it is still early, but I truly do believe in my baby and believe that everything will be okay.  So today, I AM PREGNANT.

Transfer Day!

I am officially PUPO!  That's "pregnant unless proven otherwise" for those who might not know.  This day--it's been amazing.  Like a hazy dream.  We had to get up and go at 4am so I might not be making up the hazy part!  MH is normally a heavy sleeper who will sleep through anything and fall back asleep instantly if awakened, so it speaks volumes of our excitement level that we chattered away the whole hour car ride down to the clinic.  We even ended up with this super excited and happy nurse--you could tell she really loved her job the way she was so bubbly and kept saying "let's get you knocked up!"  It was great.  But when the doctor arrived it was even better.

He walked in and introduced himself (it was not my doctor on shift so I had never met this guy) and immediately said "You did very, very well!  You couldn't ask to do any better than this!"  No really, he said that!  Then he told us that we had a beautiful, perfect 6AA blastocyst--the highest grade embryo that you can possibly get!--and ten more to freeze!!!!!  I was so happy and relieved to hear that!  So I asked him if he thought it was okay to transfer just one.  His response was that when people are in this situation and their chances are this good he in fact encourages it.  So that's what we did--we confidently transferred just one precious little golden egg.  And I know he will make it!  We were so happy and relieved!  We received a picture of our perfect  little blast and it doesn't look perfect at all!  It's all funny shaped and lopsided, hahaha........but it's ours.  All ours.  I am convinced it's a boy, but MH thinks it's a girl.  So, we'll see!  But whoever is in there, go ahead and stick--we love you so very much already and can't wait to spend the next nine months growing you and singing to you!!

And The Fertilization Results Are In!

So after that epic egg laying on Wednesday I went back to work on Thursday.  Ugh--I felt like such shit.  I was exhausted, bloated and sore.  But I knew I couldn't call out for another day so off to work I went.  I was so anxious to get the call and really afraid that they would call when I was teaching and that I wouldn't be able to get back in touch with them.  (Yes, my mind of course always runs off to the worst case scenario.)  So as soon as lunchtime came I practically sprinted upstairs and lunged at my phone.  Sure enough, there was the number as a missed call and a voicemail to call back.  My hands were shaking as I dialed.  But I needn't have worried.....it was all good news!

22 eggs.  18 were mature.  And 16 fertilized.  16!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  H and I have 16 embabies growing in that lab right now as I type this!!!!!!  I still can't believe it.  I started jumping up and down for joy.  This whole experience, I thought, could not have been smoother.  I could not have asked for a better experience than this.  I am so, so excited (and a little nervous) to hear how they do.  I know not all of them will make it, but I am just praying that some reach the blastocyst stage by Monday so we can proceed with our Tuesday transfer and have some to freeze.  Of course as far as frosties are concerned they can continue maturing them for another few days if they need to; but for a fresh transfer they have to have matured enough by then, otherwise we'll have to wait and I really don't want to do that.  I want this due date.  I want my baby now.  We have waited for two years.  Please.

So that is all good AMAZING news.  I could not be happier.  The shitty thing is that I'm feeling shitty now.  The nurse asked me about certain symptoms and wanted me to go back to the RE yesterday morning to get checked for OHSS (ovarian hyperstimualation syndrome).  I checked out fine but I think it's the meds that are making me feel this way.  I am taking Medrol which is a steroid and it gave me straight up roid rage with my students yesterday (hahaha!).  It also makes my heart pound and makes me nervous shaky and feels like there is an elephant sitting on my chest.  Thank goodness it's only for three more days.  I can handle that, even if it does suck a lot.  Also taking the antibiotics make me feel awful too.  Bloated (yay--like I need more of that right now) and gross and terrified of a yeast infection.  I am doing everything in my power to try and avoid it.  I am not eating any sugar or refined carbs and no breads.  I am taking herbs (only ones I know are safe for pregnancy and won't interfere with my treatments at all) and apple cider vinegar and heavy duty probiotics and I am eating yogurt, something I normally don't really do a lot of.  But I'm not taking any chances.  I just got over a month long resistant yeast infection.  No fucking thank you.  However, I am also taking Endometrin, a progesterone suppository three times a day.  It's awful.  It's giving me a headache, I'm cranky and tired and I have cottage cheese drainage allll day long.  I have to change my pantiliner a couple times during the day.  I cannot have sex like this.  And the worst part is that it burns.  With my history of pelvic pain I cannot have that.  It will make me think I am getting a yeast infection all the time (like right now--I'm going crazy!  Is this the start of that looming yeast infection or is it just the Endometrin??) and will give me--is giving me--too much anxiety.  I would rather have the shots and have a bit of a sore ass.  If this were going to be short like the steroids then fine, but this is going to have to be for a long time, even after I am pregnant.  So I think I am going to talk to my nurse on Monday and see if I can switch to the shots.  

Anyway, so see?  It can't all be peaches and cream!  But it can be close.  It will all be worth it when I see those beautiful lines.  Until then I am crossing my fingers that we get some good news on Monday. I know we will though.  I just know it.  I feel it.  

Retrieval Day!!!

Well today was retrieval day yo!  So much.......so much in the past couple of days!

So Monday night and yesterday morning I triggered.  The night one was easy of course, but the Tuesday morning not so much.  My time to do it was 10:20 so it was right in the middle of one of my classes.  Very inconvenient.  At least if it had been at 10 or 10:30 I could have just gone to the bathroom real quick before class started!  I ended up going into work and complaining that I wasn't feeling well.  Then at 10:20 I stood up very quickly and acted like I had to throw up.  I ran to the bathroom and grabbed the shot out of the fridge on the way.  Ha!  Easy enough and also it set the stage for me calling out today.

So that went well, but all in all yesterday was kind of rough for me.  All the doubts and fears started creeping in, when this whole time I had been feeling pretty optimistic.  At my morning monitoring appointment my doctor told me I had about ten eggs, maybe a couple more.  I was very disappointed to hear that even though he said it was a decent amount.  I just knew that meant our chances for having anything left to freeze were greatly reduced if we only had ten.  I also discussed transferring one or two embryos with him.  MH and I were dead set on doing one at first, then we changed our minds and decided to go with two.  After talking to the doctor I am all confused again.  Our clinic has excellent success rates; some of the highest in the nation.  But I still just don't know what to do.  I want it to work.  I don't want twins.  But I would take twins over none or over having to wait another month and go through more treatments.  We decided to wait until we hear about how the quality of the embryos is before making a decision.  So I started to get very sad and all..........

EXCEPT THEY GOT 22 EGGS!!!11!!111!!!1!!!1!  When they told me I started crying.  I was so happy.  When we arrived they separated MH and I so he could do his thing and they could prep me in the retrieval room.  H came down to the room to wait with me until I went in.  The procedure wasn't that bad at all.  I was under anesthesia so I didn't care.  But I will say this: it was the first time in my life that I woke up from anesthesia and didn't cry.  I just felt tired.  But then they came in and told me they got 22 eggs and that did it--I sobbed.  In a good way!

I'm really crampy but so happy and optimistic.  I feel so much better now that I know our chances will be really good.  It's crazy to think that over there they have little pieces of MH and me that have actually come together.  Hopefully they will thrive.  I have great faith that they will.

It's IVF!!

Soooo I can't even believe it has taken me this long to write this post.  I keep thinking about it but never getting around to it because so much is happening!!  It's been like a blur.  So here are my meds:

 
Along with a summer squash in the corner.  Because you know; everyone needs a squash when they do IVF injections.  Annnnnyway, everything has been happening right on schedule, better than I could have ever even anticipated.  We decided to skip the IUIs and go straight for IVF.  Insurance covered it 100%!!!  Turns out we are dealing with MFI after all (very low morph) so especially with my age (35) it just didn't make any sense for us to waste anymore time.  I am just so ready.  So I started Estrace pills (estrogen) in August and took them until I got my period on September 13th (but seriously, WTF though?!?!  that shit gave me the worst period evarrrrrr!!!).  I was thrilled that my period came early; I was so afraid it was going to end up being a long drawn out cycle just because that's how luck would have it.  But good old AF knew what was good for her and showed up on CD25 at which point I stopped the Estrace and went in for monitoring.  I started injections on CD3, which I am making MH give me.  I told him we were making this baby together goddammit, even if it was ultimately in a science lab!!!!  I had purchased two bags of chocolate chips about six weeks ago and was saving them for our two weeks of meds.  I figured it would be our reward for getting through it.  I was seriously terrified of how the meds would affect me mentally; I have had a history of going completely BSC on BCPs.  After everything I have been through with my mental health I just really didn't want anything to screw up how amazingly good I have been feeling.  (By the way, it's worth mentioning that I got through those shitty Ativan withdrawals finally and came out on the other side!  It was so hard and such an awful bitch, but I am now feeling the best I have felt in years; since even before I went off my meds in 2012!!!)  So last week I made our first batch of cookies--I jokingly called them "fertility cookies"--and crossed my fingers as we took the plunge:

Now, I swear to you, I have just had a really good feeling about this since the beginning.  Like, really good.  I just feel like......I know it's going to work.  I know our baby (or babies--!!) will come to us.  So, I'm kind of starting to get suspicious now.  It all started with getting a blessedly short cycle.  Then......dude: the meds have not affected me at all.  Like, not even a little bit!  okay, well maybe a little, but only in the sense that I have been getting teary eyed and sentimental but like, who cares about that, right?  Oh, and also HOLY EWCM.  Ummmm......DUDE.  But yeah, other than that it's been really smooth sailing!  And the best news is......I GET TO TRIGGER TOMORROW!!!  I was told it would be 9-13 days and--yup, you guessed it--tomorrow is day nine!  The shortest possible time!  My retrieval will be on Wednesday.  I am so fucking excited.  And also.....suspicious that this is all going a little too well.  I mean, this will even put me at an ideal EDD as a teacher and for having a kid's birthday.................But I am pushing that out of my mind as best I can and remaining positive.  I just feel it.  It's happening.  Everything is happening..................