As I Live and Breathe.......

So doth this blog.  I am admittedly the worst.  First trimester was really hard and I fell off the face of the earth here and IRL.  Sorry about that.  There was so much going on............

I am the involuntarily appointed cultural arts committee chair (cultural arts committee, party of one=yours truly) at school and am responsible for setting up field trips for every grade level, pre-k through 8.  This might sound easy enough, but all the research, and the back and forth with the principal about cost, and things being sold out after finally agreeing on them, phone tag, etc. it just ends up being a lot of work.  Then I had to do the Christmas musical for grades 4-8.  So. much. work.  Let me just say....had I not been pregnant, it would have been a lot of work.  But since I am pregnant and it was first trimester it was almost more than I could bear.  Thankfully I was not throwing up and didn't have that kind of morning sickness, but I was nauseous all day long and could only eat carbs.  I felt gross.  I got (and am still getting, just not as frequently) pregnancy migraines.  Ohhhhh man do those suck.  I also was more exhausted than I ever believed a person could be.  And then of course, there was my massive hemorrhage.

Yup.  I had a massive subchorionic hemorrhage at 13 weeks.  It was the most traumatizing and scary experience I have ever had.  I had had a stomach virus the day before.  I had woken up Monday morning with a massive migraine and severe nausea, but I just figured it was pregnancy related and that I would just have to power through another day.  I did just that and at the end of the day (which at this point included rehearsals with the kids until 5pm) I could not get out of there fast enough.  All I could think about all day was pajamas, peppermint oil for my head and my bed and couch.  But of course, on my way home I got a call from the vet whom I had called that morning about Mingus having vomited up pink bile.  I had wanted to schedule and appointment for the next day so that MH could take him but they wanted me to bring him in that night.  I practically cried, but of course I did it.  Got through the whole appointment, it was decided he was fine, then I sat in the waiting room and waited for our chart.  Cue me running to the bathroom and getting violently (and loudly) ill for the first time since my pregnancy.  As I came out the receptionist said "are you okay?" and looked really horrified.  I blamed it on my pregnancy but had a feeling it was that stomach bug that had been going around.  I woke up in the middle of the night feeling like crap.  I tossed and turned and couldn't get back to sleep.  I really didn't want to call out because I had an appointment with my principal the next day to tell her that I was pregnant, but I knew there was no way I could go in like this, so I called out.  I slept in, had some tea and toast, and by 10:15 I decided that I could go in for a half day and make it through my afternoon classes and still have the meeting with my principal.  I still don't know if I wish I had just stayed home or not.

I made it through one class.  Ten minutes into teaching the next one I felt this little gush.  I kept going and then felt another bigger one and felt it spread across my butt.  Thank goodness I was wearing black pants; the kids would have flipped.  I touched my thigh and looked at my hand and saw blood.  I immediately stood up and said "I have to go" to the aides and left the room.  As I was walking down the hall I could feel the blood pouring down my legs down to my knees and soaking my pants.  I ran into the office (where the bathroom is) and my principal was standing there.  As I hurried past her I said "something is wrong with me.  I'm bleeding".  while she went and got the nurse I went into the bathroom and stripped off my pants and underpants which were literally sopping.  I have never seen that much blood in my entire life.  I was sitting on the toilet and it was just pouring out of me and I was passing golf ball sized clots.  I was hysterical when the nurse got there and I had to stand up and open the door for her.  There was just blood everywhere; the floor, the toilet, the walls.....it was like a murder scene.  And no one even knew I was pregnant.  Of course I told her and her first reaction was to give me a big pad and call my OB--but I filled the pad in about 10 seconds just by holding it under me.  So they put the school on lockdown and called 911.  The medics came and wrapped me up in sheets and brought me to the ER.  I had stopped gushing at that point so it ceased being a dire emergency by the time I got there, so I just had to wait.  And wait.  MH got there as soon as he could and I have never been so glad to see him in my whole life.  I went between states of catatonia and tears for the whole five hours we were there.  I was so devastated; I thought for sure I had lost my baby--how could anyone lose that much blood and with such huge clots and still have a baby inside?  But there was this small part of me that knew I hadn't had any cramping......so there must still be a spark of hope, right?  Well when they finally brought me down to ultrasound I was already starting to feel angry and bitter.  Then to be in there surrounded by pictures of babies' ultrasounds...........when the tech finally came out and got me she was of course not informed of our whole situation.  No one in the ER ever is, and that's not a criticism, it's just the way it works because they have to do everything so fast.  They just say "ante part bleeding" and call it a day.  Not "patient bled more blood than any person should ever bleed and we are all convinced the baby is gone".  So when she put the wand down on my belly and I saw that little wiggly baby waving his little hands around, I said "oh my god.  He's still there!"  And then I broke.  I literally crumpled and started sobbing.  I rolled away from her and clung to MH and just sobbed.  The tech meanwhile is saying "Of course he's still there!  Oh my gosh, I didn't realize how much this scared you!  I'm going to leave you alone for a few minutes!"  I have never felt such relief in my whole entire life as I did in that moment.  When she came back in we explained the whole story to her while she took pictures of our little tiny wiggler and then of course she understood why we had reacted the way we did.

I went to see my OB the next day and she kept me out of work for the next week.  She showed me on ultrasound where the bleed had happened and told me that subchorionic hemorrhage is sometimes minor and sometimes massive but not harmful to the baby.  The next day we went for our N/T scan which had already been scheduled ahead of time.  It was so amazing to see him on screen again.  We got some really amazing pictures that day and they declared everything to be looking good.  Then, on our way home we got a call from my OB that our Panorama test results were in--which we had been expecting for the next day at the earliest--and everything was perfect!  We also decided we wanted to know the sex after what had happened, just in case.  And she told us what I already "knew"--it is a BOY!!!  A perfect, healthy, precious baby BOY!!!!  I almost floated away on a cloud of joy.  I'm telling you--within 48 hours I experienced the range of human emotions.  On Tuesday I thought I had lost my baby.  By Thursday we were being told that we were going to have a perfectly healthy baby boy.  It was truly amazing.

Well, that concludes the story of my little drama baby.  My principal, well, she knows now!  It has been a whirlwind but I feel like I am just starting to come out of it.  When I get back to school after the break I am hoping that I will be able to keep up my energy now that I am well past first trip, but at least eating has gotten normal again which I am so relieved about.  With the play over and all the field trips scheduled I just have to maintain for the next few months and now we have plenty of time to focus on the arrival of our son!  If you made it through this whole thing, thanks for listening.  It felt good to get it out.

I Graduated!

Wow, it has been a while.  Things at work have become so chaotic and hectic and busy that I barely have time to eat my lunch let alone blog or keep up on TB!  I am at school until at least 5 every day and still have so much work to do.  All school teachers and students have a four day weekend (hooray!) so here I am, finally able to update!

Yesterday I graduated from the RE!!!  I am so freaking excited I can hardly stand it.  My sweet little bean has a hearbeat of 167 beats per minute and is measuring right on track at 8 weeks!!!  I got to stop taking the Estrace yesterday and have only one more week of Endometrin suppositories!!!!!  YAYAYAYAY!!!!!!  I am so excited to be done with that crap.  I am very grateful I got in to see the OB I wanted to use.  I can't see her until 11/25, but that's okay; I really wanted to use her so I'm just relieved that I got in at all!  I had these visions of them telling me they weren't accepting new OB patients at this time.  Since I have been exclusively seeing my pelvic pain specialist (who is an OB) for the past year and a half I had to find someone new now that I am pregnant.  The OB I chose is one that I saw in January of 2013 when I was searching for someone who could help me with my pelvic pain.  While she couldn't help me with it, she was very sympathetic and kind and I really liked her practice.  She is a holistic practitioner and uses herbs and aromatherapy to complement allopathic stuff and also specializes in natural birth (unless otherwise indicated, of course--she can/will do epidurals, c-sections, etc. if necessary).

If I could, I would have a home birth.  I would love nothing more than to have a midwife come to my house, have my husband catch the baby and then curl up in my own bed and nurse by baby.  However, I live a solid 35 minutes away from the nearest hospital and also, being on meds myself, I just feel that I would need the extra support that a hospital would offer.  Since there are no birthing centers in NJ, the hospital is kind of my only other option.  I feel that even though her practice is about 40 minutes from my house (everything is 40 minutes from our house--we live in the mountains out in the sticks) and the hospital she delivers at is an hour from our house, this will be the closest thing to having what I want for prenatal care as well as birthing.  She has since gone into private practice and I am just absolutely in love with everything I have read about her practice and everything I see on their website.  I really think it will be a perfect fit.  Plus the hospital she delivers at has private rooms, tubs for water labor and a really good reputation for maternity care.  I have known since I met her that I wanted to use her for prenatal care, but just to get all the information I did research on other hospitals that might be a little closer.  The only thing I found that I really liked at all was a holistic birthing unit in a different major hospital, but that hospital is just so crazy busy and also my SIL had a horrible experience there so I just decided to go with my gut and stick with what I know.

So I am very excited to see her in a few weeks.  Mostly, I am excited to be just a regular pregnant person in one more week!!!  No more hormone meds!!!  For now, I am just trying to keep up at work and be not so tired.  That last part is not working; I'm exhausted beyone belief right now.  I am so lazy I can barely peel myself off the couch by the time I get home.  Eating is kind of hard too; all this kid wants is carbs and cheese.  But I'm working on trying to get the veggies in there.  I can do it if I add starches somehow (grains, beans, etc.)

Also I think we are going to tell my dad and stepmom and MH's family on Thanksgiving.  I had wanted to try and hold out for Christmas, but 1) they will immediately know something is up when I don't walk in the door and start pouring wine 2) I don't know when we will get to see everyone in person again since we are going to see my mom and aunts for Christmas.  I am adament about telling family in person whenever possible.  Plus I already can't use my belt anymore.  I will be eleven weeks at Thanksgiving.  While it's still a tad bit earlier than I would have liked, I think it will be best and fine.  I will tell my aunts in person on Christmas (my mom and stepdad already know).  After that it's open season.  Cool.